Pregnant with number 2 and feeling regret.

[WishIknew1]

So I'll try and keep this brief.. (and please no judgement!).

Having pondered for some time whether to stick with 1DC or go for another, I'm now pregnant with Number 2 and feel sick with regret.

I'm not sure if this is a result of the slog that was lockdown parenting, DC turning three and becoming more awkward (we skipped terrible twos for threenager) or if there is something else to it and I should never have got pregnant in the first place.

My biggest worry is how we will manage with two while retaining an essence of ourselves.

DC1 was an awful sleeper and still occasionally wakes in the night. Financially, we will survive but the thought of saving money now when I just want to go out and LIVE post lockdown feels a chore. No need to move house or anything drastic. So why do I feel so sad?

Husband is very hands on but, like me, works long hours and enjoys his own company. Obviously, with 1 DC we can facilitate this well but we are under no illusions that this will be as easy with 2.

On the other hand, I really really wanted DC1 to have a sibling. I grew up with siblings (as did DH) and my memories of shared holidays, Christmas, etc was a huge contributing factor on why we wanted to have 2DC. We figured that DC would have a play mate and it would mean we are not having to arrange endless playdates, etc. I also felt DC1 was getting quite spoilt and it all felt a bit intense having our attention solely focused on them.

I've suffered hyperemesis this time which can't have helped, but I just so wish I could be excited for the future.

I love my first DC with all of my being and don't regret our decision to have them for a second. However, some of the days feel so so long (again, could be a result of lockdown where I've spent long days solo parenting while trying to work from home).

Even the thought of maternity leave makes me feel quite ill right now- I've spent enough time at home!

Has anyone ever left like this and come out the other side? I'm terrified this feeling will continue and start to affect my parenting of DC1 too.

Please no horror stories- don't think i could cope with that yet.

We're moving this thread over to our Pregnancy topic at the OP's request. Hopefully some Mumsnetters will be along shortly with some advice and support.

I have 3 kids and expecting a fourth. All of mine have special needs too. Which makes it more tricky and means our life is all about our kids we also have no one to have the kids no family to help etc. But I love it. They are only small for a while after you can get back to your self. For us it will take longer due to their needs. But for families who have help and support and can have a night out and a meal together go for it.
I really enjoy my kids and can't remember what it was like before. It doesn't really bother me all that. We now get a couple of hours in the evening when the kids are in bed which is nice.

Hi, OP. No experience of this as such but didn't want to read and run.

Having a baby in a pandemic is really hard and being a parent to a toddler is really hard too! You've probably had a rough year and the thought of having another must be scary when you don't know what ahead of you.

All I can say is that when I had DC2, my whole outlook on life and parenting changed dramatically. I love my first born even more than I ever have done since having a second and I have no idea why. Your heart just seems to grow even more. I know it sounds cheesy but it's true.

It will be hard work but ultimately it will pay off and you will get used to the idea of having 2 DC around.

Good luck and keep on talking about how you feel. It's completely normal.

I could have written this! Sadly I can’t offer much by way of reassurance but I totally get where you’re coming from!

I love my three year old DD with all my being, she was much wanted after several years of fertility struggles and miscarriages. The reality however is that I have not enjoyed large chunks of parenting and sleep deprivation has pushed us to the edge.

I’ve had a loss since DD too but now pregnant again, and if I’m honest I’m not relishing it all. I’m hoping that the intense love will overcome all the rest.

Thanks for the feedback. It really helps to share. My husband's close relative suffered a loss late into pregnancy so there is no way I can discuss this with anyone in real life really, beyond my husband and a close friend.

The things I yearn are all quite fickle when written down; I just can't help how I feel!

Holidays, nice clothes, meals out etc all offer very short term gratification but I can't tell you how sad I feel that those things are going to be more difficult for the foreseeable.

I love DC1- totally and utterly. I throw all I have into parenting (days out, encouraging hobbies etc.) I just find some parts of parenting very tedius and difficult. On the other hand, I don't regret having them ever so perhaps this will be the same? Also, hopefully having a playmate will lessen the intensity for us in the future, as DC1 will have someone else to interact/play with.

The one friend I did discuss it with reminded me I felt a bit like this with DC1, although at least I had blissful ignore at that stage. This time I know exactly what I've left myself in for! The good and difficult!

I just feel so awful and ungrateful. My husband and I did discuss our options earlier in the pregnancy but he was fearful I'd regret it if we didn't go through with it, especially as I've been on the fence for so long.

I suppose, how I'm trying to rationalise it, holidays, free time etc is already tricky with DC1 so at least I'm getting this stage out of the way! Hair of the dog when it comes to sleep!

If I could birth an 18 month old I definitely would!

Could have written your post without the pandemic bit.
Thankfully DD2 was and is a totally different child. Much more chilled baby and slept through very early by comparison with DD1. Feeding was a bit of a headache at the start but once that was out of the way she thrived.
I went back to work at 12 weeks initially half days from home so I could continue to feed her and then full time from 6 months. Had a great nanny and it was all affordable by going back early. I'll be honest I didn't miss bloody baby sensory and monkey music one little bit.
You don't have to take a year off. You don't have to breastfeed every meal. You don't have to be chained to your children and your kids 24x7. Do what works for you and your family. Happy parent, happy baby

Bollocks to anyone who gives you shit about "why did you have them if you don't look after them"

I love my kids immensely but some aspects of parenting are just a relentless cycle of repetitive crap.

I felt like this. I got pregnant again very soon after my first and was gutted! To the point I wouldn’t tell anyone. We had our first scan, found out it was twins then got a bit excited. Honestly though, the feeling of what the hell have I done lasted till the twins were about 12 months then it started improving. The baby stage is the hardest but it gets easier. My eldest is now almost 5 and the twins are 3 and it’s great now. They play and entertain each other and it’s chaos but good. Just get through the first bit and you’ll be ok.

@WishIknew1 Hi, just wanted to say that I so sympathise with you as I've have many of the same thoughts.

I always wanted 2 children but after my DD who is now 3 it took me 2 years to even consider going through pregnancy and all of it again. I love her soo much but my goodness its been hard, the many sleepless nights, her incredible temper, dlubting myself, juggling work and the strain on my marriage... we finally just decided to go for it and worry later.

I'm now 28 weeks pregnant and only just subsiding in my HG thanks to medication and hormones leveling out. The sickness has been exhausting and my DD has decided to no longer poo anymore causing daily struggles and health problems! Honestly if i didn't laugh I'd cry

The amount of times I've regretted my decision to get pregnant again, but now I've bought everything for my boy and my DD is coming to terms with having a sibling I'm getting excited finally. I'm hoping the love I will feel for him will see us through the difficulties like it has with my first. Parenting can be so hard and more so for others but we can do this, through the good and bad days! xxx

You know what, I think this is so much more common than you realise with second children. I think with the first it's all so exciting and it's almost ignorance is bliss, with the second you know what to expect and you can't just relax and think of yourself during pregnancy as you already have DC.
I'm 16 weeks with my second. I booked an abortion twice and cancelled. This was planned also. I also suffered badly with morning sickness this time. There was a very dark time around February time where I honestly thought about suicide - I didn't want to feel this ill anymore, I didn't want this baby but I didn't want to have to make the decision. I had days on end where I didn't get out of bed as I couldn't neither mentally or physically. It's a place I never wish to go back to.
Yesterday I found out the baby is a girl. I already have a son, so I'll have one of each.
I'm still nauseous every day and have other health issues. I went to my GP and I've got some anti sickness tablets I take every 6-8 hours. I still have days where I Google abortions and if it's possible at this stage. But I'm also now so excited to go and look round all the baby girl clothes!
Hang in there, you're not alone

Thanks so much for the replies. It is so reassuring to think I'm not alone in this. I felt abnormal.

I consider myself a good parent (most of the time) and I think family and friends would be shocked if I admitted to feeling this way. On the whole, DC1 has definitely changed me for the better (as in my character) but I find some days so long and relentless. The constant chatting, 'Why?' 'Can I have' etc. I already feel sad that my life with just one, with excess time and money, is coming to an end shortly. I also worry my patience and parenting will suffer with more than one but I guess I'll never know until I try.

The first year was so hard. Dc1 hated the car seat (made every journey hard work) and was a proper velcro baby. I remember the panic and faff of making bottles and changing nappies in public toilets etc. I suppose in the grand scheme, it is so short lived but we will all benefit from a new person in the long run.

That is a good point about maternity. I really enjoy my job and staying at home (even if affordable) would not be an option for me. I need the space to engage my brain and have adult conversation.

I suppose most people we know have more than one and it has worked out fine for them (on the surface, anyway!).

I cross posted with the last two posters.

Thanks so much for sharing your stories. I'm quite tearful about it all and this has helped me no end.

I'm also medicated for sickness but they make me so drowsy- everything seems a chore! This can't be helping but it is preferable to the sickness and nausea 1000%.

You poor thing, it's awful being pregnant, isn't it? I'm pregnant with #3 and just starting to come out of a very very ill first trimester. I've found that being pregnant and being so unwell with it really changes my perspective on things. I've been very emotional about how hard this all is at the moment and thinking ahead to the endless sleepless nights. Basically, wallowing in all the miserable bits of having a child.

But you know, the thing that's getting me through is seeing #1 and #2 together. They're 3 and 1 and they're so wonderful together. It has been really hard working having two so close together, but we're out of the woods and into the sunlit uplands at the moment. They have the same mealtimes, the same naptime, same bathtime, etc, so it's not twice as much work physically any more - it's just adding a plus one to the stuff we'd be doing anyway. And I'm finding it so much easier emotionally/socially having two than having one. Just as you say, the laser focus on the first child is diffused for everyone's benefit, and they can focus on each other too which takes the pressure off us. They're still at an age where playing together has to be facilitated by an adult, but it's so wonderful to see #1 doing something really kind for #2 like offering her his teddy.

On the one hand, I feel like I've just volunteered to throw the next 1.5 years of my life into a hole. On the other hand, the addition of #2 to our family has turned out so wonderfully that I keep reminding myself there is a reason we decided to go for #3! And I hate the baby stage so I didn't want to longer on that zone for years - rather get it out of the way. It'll be hard at first, it really will, but now our #2 has turned one it's all been worth it.

I felt exactly like this throughout my 2nd pregnancy even though it was a planned and much wanted by both myself and DH that we have a second and for DC1 to have a sibling. We nearly lost the baby when I was 18weeks and after we found out things were going to be OK that was the first time I really bonded with the baby and began feeling ready for DC2 to arrive. Since DC2 was born we've had many many ups and downs. I found it extremely hard having 2 to look after at times. Unfortunately neither baby slept much so I've had years of sleep deprivation now. My DH was made redundant when DC2 was 6m old so I had to.go back to work before I was ready. But DC2 is now 3, out of napoies and mostly sleeping better at night. The days are long but the last 3+ years have flown by. The relationship they have as siblings is the most beautiful sincere loving relationship, it honestly melts my heart at times. They of course fight and bicker and we all have days of frustration and tears but I am still glad and feel very lucky to have two healthy children and am looking forward to the years ahead as we grow into our family life. The first few years are really hard but for me seeing them play together and cuddling them both to say goodnight at bedtime are really special moments I am thankful for every day.

@WishIknew1

I'm also medicated for sickness but they make me so drowsy- everything seems a chore! This can't be helping but it is preferable to the sickness and nausea 1000%.

I found for the first 6 weeks or so of taking it, it made me so tired then one day I took it and suddenly realised it didn't knock me out like it used to. It was very strange how it happened so quickly! Your doctor should give you none drowsy alternatives if you ask though x

Thanks so much for sharing this.

We will have a 3.5 year age gap so you're right that eventually their schedules will align. I didn't really think of it like this. I'm trying to imagine a 3 and 6 year old as that seems a more manageable prospect.

I've told DC1 about the pregnancy and they're excited and seem keen, which is a plus.

I genuinely think they will benefit hugely from having a sibling. It does feel very intense with one and sometimes I wince at the money we waste just because we can etc.

I suppose we will be doing the softplay, farm parks, Peppa Pig World etc for the foreseeable anyway so what harm does it do bringing an extra along.

It feels so overwhelming but equally I know people manage. I just worry those people are not me, if that makes sense!

Definitely think of the long game. When my grandmother passed away my mum said she was so grateful she had a sibling to share the load and support her, as well as her immediate family. So it really is just the beginning for you OP

How about writing a list of positives to help balance out the negative thoughts? So you wont get much time or sleep but you will have another child who will love you unconditionally, give you kisses and hugs and want to be with you always. They grow so quickly, my DD1 is 11 this year and shes so independent, DD2 is 5 and still very loving and wants to be around me all the time but I know that will change in a few years! I also love going on days out with them, both are into Harry potty which Iike. We go bowling, cinema, shopping ect I just love it. I am now unexpectedly pregnant with DC3 (on contraception) and googled abortion a few times, really thought about it. I didnt want to go back to the baby stage my girls are so much fun but then the thought of having someone else to love/play with and when they are older hopefully if they have to deal with anything bad they have each other. Also, selfishly, when my dd2 gets to the independent stage I will still have the last one who may want to spend a few more years being with me all the time. I do love my girls so much. I think about when I'm 40 and my kids are older I still have many years to do whatever I think I'm going to miss out on with having another baby soon. Hope you start to feel more positive soon. Xx

Thanks so much.

You're right. I need to think long term.

I also love days out but I think I've hit the tricky threenager stage at the same time which has made me feel a bit apprehensive about it all, as those days out are not as enjoyable right now.

When I'm 40, these two will be 8 and 5, so a lot more independent really.

I do appreciate these comments and I already feel better this AM.

Hey ,
Can I just say my toddler is turning 3 soon and my goodness it's relentless!
I had a second one back in November and also had hyperemesis gravidarum it's hard to think straight - I was at a point where I just didn't didn't want any of it it really affected my mental health as the sickness was awful I was sleeping on the cold bathroom floor at night & day , I was so glad my partner was furloughed in my first trimester.

I have 2 boys now and I love watching my oldest look after his little brother it's amazing and best feeling ever 💗

You are totally right! A switch went in DC1 as soon as they turned 3 and all of sudden, things have become very hard work!

I'm really feeling so much more positive today.

Hi there, thank you so much for this post. I am currently 8 week pregnant and couldn’t relate more! I wondered, now that you’ve had your second baby, how are you coping? Do you feel differently than you did when you were pregnant? I hope you are doing ok!

@Coffeeandscone hi lovely, I didn’t want to not update. Sorry you’re feeling this way. Always know that a termination isn’t anything to be ashamed of, if you/don’t want to go ahead with this pregnancy it doesn’t make you a bad person.

my daughter is now 7 months…. Truth is I can’t imagine her not being here. She’s amazing. For me it ended exactly how it should have done. She wasn’t planned and I found myself in such a dark place whilst pregnant, I genuinely wished I wasn’t. So while I support abortion I just couldn’t do it (I went a total of 4 times to the clinic) so yep. She’s here thriving and currently rolling accross the floor!

if you haven’t already please reach out to the perineal MH team they were great with me. Take care and you’ll be ok no matter what road you take x

@Coffeeandscone andddddd I’ve just realised this wasn’t my post at all….. how embarassing. Either way good luck!