Hey mamas,
Apologies in advance for the very long post - I am going through an unbearable loss so I partly need to vent and share my story, and partly looking for some advice.
Two weeks ago my husband and I tragically lost our precious baby girl very suddenly at 40 weeks, after a seemingly uncomplicated “low risk” pregnancy. For nine months I had been told that everything was tracking perfectly and that I had a “textbook” low risk pregnancy. All our scans and tests had come back normal and the baby was very active throughout, until the very last minute. We were finally at the 40 week milestone and I’d been scheduled in for an induction a few days later in case she didn’t come naturally, as the consultant didn’t want me to go much past my due date. But I went into labour naturally early in the morning the day after my due date and honestly had no idea anything was even wrong until we got to the hospital. We had had a normal check up 3 days prior during which we saw her little heart beating on the screen in front of us, and I had felt the baby move before going to bed. I woke up at 3am with contractions, the hospital told me to hang tight until they became stronger and closer together. A couple of hours later my waters broke and we were in the hospital within 15 minutes, excited to finally meet our little girl...only to be told there was no heartbeat. We are shell shocked. Nothing could have prepared me to hear such devastating news. I can’t understand how we went from having a perfectly healthy baby to a dead baby in the blink of an eye without so much as a warning. I didn’t have any bleeding, no signs of infection, none of the known risk factors... unfathomable.
We had opted to for private care at the Lindo Wing with a private obstetrician because my husband’s cousin had had a stillbirth a few years prior due to NHS negligence and this was always a huge fear of mine, so it was really important to me to feel cared for by an attentive medical team. I can’t believe despite all the precautions that this has now happened to us. Completely shattered.
We absolutely loved our consultant, in part because he was so relaxed and constantly reassured us that everything was progressing as expected, which meant that I was also able to be quite relaxed because I trusted that everything was under control, despite normally being quite a high strung personality. However I am now deeply regretting not being more neurotic about things, not going into hospital for an NST every time I felt the slightest Braxton Hicks contractions.. and I’m also wondering if the consultant was TOO relaxed. Did he miss something? Was he less careful than he should have been because I was supposedly low risk? We are still waiting for a host of post mortem results so I’m trying not to jump to any conclusions or lay any blame before we find out what caused this (and we’ve been repeatedly warned that we may never know because shockingly up to half of stillbirths are never explained...) but I can’t help but feel let down by our consultant whom we trusted blindly to protect us from this very outcome. I sincerely hope the post mortem shows no evidence of negligence as I think it would be extra devastating to learn that this could have been prevented - but regardless of the outcome I do feel that my trust in him is shaken because to go from low risk pregnancy to dead baby just doesn’t add up.
This experience has highlighted to my husband and me how ready we are to have children and start a family. We wanted THIS baby so badly and we were so very ready to bring her home. She was perfect - chubby cheeks, button nose, ten fingers and ten toes - no sign of any issues other than the fact that she wasn’t breathing. A perfectly formed little angel, she looked like she was just sleeping and I kept hoping against hope that they had got things wrong and that she would wake up and cry any minute. They think whatever happened to our baby girl must have happened within 12-24 hours of when I delivered her - and most likely in the last few hours before the contractions woke me up, because she came out looking so perfect, with few signs of deterioration. It was all so surreal, like an out of body experience. We held our precious baby for hours and cried - and my arms now literally ache to hold her again. It’s like having a phantom limb. It breaks my heart to know that sadly nothing will bring her back. We can never replace our precious angel but I am desperate for a baby, for somewhere to channel all this love I was ready to give that now has nowhere to go. We are still a way off from trying for another baby as we need to wait for post mortem results in case there are any implications for future pregnancies, plus for my body to recover from pregnancy and childbirth so that I’m as strong as I can be before another long nine months of growing a little human. But I also know that whenever we are ready to try again, my next pregnancy will be nothing like the first one. For nine months I think I will be living in constant fear and anxiety and if there was an option to move into the hospital and be monitored 24/7 I honestly would do it.
So I was wondering if any other mamas out there who have had experiences of pregnancy after loss could recommend an obstetrician who specialises in rainbow pregnancies? I know it is standard after a stillbirth for subsequent pregnancies to be classed as “high risk” and that additional monitoring is offered even under the NHS. But I think it will be equally important how my own mental state will be managed and supported in addition to the physical monitoring of my pregnancy. I’m very torn about how we handle this and what will make me most comfortable in a future pregnancy. If the post mortem shows no indication of negligence I wonder whether it’s best to use the same obstetrician, with whom we have already built a relationship and there might be advantages to working with someone who has lived through the trauma with us and knows the full history and will hopefully therefore be over cautious next time. But do I trust him enough? For my peace of mind is it best to switch to someone else? Is it even worth paying a small fortune for private care when our experience clearly shows that the worst can happen even with the best care? in all cases I feel I will need someone exceedingly patient to put me at ease and who will understand and support my need for extra monitoring and most likely very frequent visits to the hospitals for NSTs just to reassure me that everything is ok. Any recommendations?