Arguing with DH while pregnant - household chores

[Thatsnotmyname12]

Hello, this is my first time posting and hoping to get some advice.
I am currently 21 weeks pregnant (first baby) & have been arguing with DH.
I have been getting frustrated with DH's lack of effort around the house and am worried how things will work once baby arrives. For example, he regularly leaves things lying around & doesn't put them away, e.g. clothes, shoes, toiletries, dishes beside the dishwasher etc. All small things individually & I regularly asked him to put things away or end up doing it myself. This is leading to me feeling resented and like he expects me to tidy up after him. If I ask him to fix something or do something I feel I'm not best placed to do e.g. fix toilet, bring heavy things to dump, it takes weeks/months to happen.
I already do all the cooking, laundry & majority of the housework so feel I'm not asking for much. He does the dishes, cleans the cars & takes care of the paperwork insurance etc. Cuts grass, sporadically cleans the bathrooms and empties bins but I regularly do the last 2 if they're left too long. I feel like he doesn't take care when doing things e.g. keeps breaking curtain hooks whatever way he pulls on the curtains to close them & doesn't notice they're broken so I replace them.
Last night we had an argument which escalated & turned very nasty on his part. He said I constantly nag him and it's tiresome. I need to be more tolerant and accept him for who he is instead of critiquing. He raised that I had accidently drove my car into our fence (admittedly a stupid mistake, I am getting used to driving a new, bigger car for the baby and was rushing) caused £000s worth of damage and he didn't loose his temper/criticise me, yet I regularly have a go at him for leaving things untidy/dirty.
He then got extremely angry and alluded to the fact that he paid more of the deposit for our house, I live off his coat tails financially, I'm lazy in my job and said horrendous things about my family around family traits and generally annilated their personalities/achievements in life. He sometimes gets so angry he can't control his temper & in my opinion, crosses the line in arguments, saying things you can't take back.
For context we both work FT, im currently WFH, he earns more but I recently passed a promotion board, I am still waiting for a post, but salary would be on power. We pay bills 50/50 even though I'm on a lower salary and he contributed a large proportion to our house deposit due to inheritance which enabled us to buy a bigger house/live in a nicer area (I gave all the savings I had which I'd earnt myself).

I accept that I have high levels of tidiness/order/cleanliness and therefore do most household things myself to account for this. AIBU to expect him to tidy up after himself and ask him to do so when I get tired of doing it for him?
I feel like how he behaved in the argument overshadowed his point. He didn't care that I was extremely upset.
Worried that things with get worse once baby arrives due to lack of sleep/extra pressure etc.
Any advjce/opinion welcome.

The sense of entitlement bothers me.
He brought more financially into the relationship so you should be grateful and do more physically. This grates with me.
Have you discussed how the finances and chores will be shared after baby is born?
Do you have a plan for returning to work and child are and how that will look?
Don’t fall for the “my job is so important that I can’t possibly look after a sick baby/ do School runs” guff.
You need discussion and agreement before baby gets here.
Good luck

I think he probably has a point in that you guys need to work as a team and not nag /criticise each other over minor things. It sounds like he does do stuff but that they don’t match your standards? Honestly just learn how to let things go and let him do it. If he breaks a few curtain rings while doing the curtains it’s fine because that’s his job and eventually he’ll learn he’ll have to replace them.

If the housework is such a huge problem then hire a cleaner to come in a few times a week to support you (many will do laundary too) or contract the washing and ironing out to a laundary.

Masses of red flags in your post. I suggest that you get yourself back to work after the baby ASAP as you do not want to end up relying on your DH for anything. If he's like this now he's going to be a giant jackass after the baby arrives during a period that tests the best of relationships.

He's really up himself isn't he? His shit smells of roses.

It's hard to know if the level of "not helping" is a problem. Everyone has different standards/thresholds of tidiness. I started to get annoyed with DH and started just leaving some stuff -- he does eventually sort it but just at a later stage than I normally would. Obviously there needs to be some balance in housework, but there also needs to be tolerance for different expectations, etc.

Some of the other things you've mentioned do sound concerning though. Keeping a tally and comparing money spent, earned etc sounds like you don't really feel like a team.

I think it is in some ways unfair that you expect him to work to your standards but you seem to be unwilling to compromise to his standards. You need to find what works for you and prioritise. He might need to step up but you need to also compromise

You sound hard work.

@Wallywobbles

Masses of red flags in your post. I suggest that you get yourself back to work after the baby ASAP as you do not want to end up relying on your DH for anything. If he's like this now he's going to be a giant jackass after the baby arrives during a period that tests the best of relationships.

He's really up himself isn't he? His shit smells of roses.

I agree. I do think you should let your standards down a bit but think of anything that would be dangerous for a toddler if done that way and work on that habit only. Don’t do the tasks yourself though and then he’ll hopefully nag you and you can then present him with a lengthy written list of all the tiny things you do that he doesn’t notice.

I agree with pp. you can't necessarily expect him to complete tasks to your standards. It is his house too and he might have his own way of doing things.
On the other hand his arguments sound very unpleasant and the idea that because he had more access to money when you moved in means that you are now beholden to him and some sort of secondary character in your home is really obnoxious.

If you both work full time why do you also have to be fully responsible for feeding him and cleaning his clothes? Sure you may have higher standards of cleanliness - but I imagine he has a basic standard of having to eat and have washed clothes.

He sounds like hes basically not a nice person. Just because you're a woman doesn't mean that you have to do more and put up wit this crap.

Start getting your self in order to be independent. You don't have to put up with this crap.

You need to sit down and have a proper chat about this before the baby arrives because you are clearly on different pages.
With a counsellor, ideally.

You both have different ideas of what is right, what a partnership is and what marriage means to finances, and will probably both need to compromise to come to an agreement of who does what, or if you get a cleaner etc, but this HAS to happen before you throw sleep deprivation and maternity pay into the mix.

Ignore all the MN drama llamas who will tell you this means your marriage is doomed, it isn’t

But it can be sorted now and then you both have a baseline slash agreement to move forward with.

When I first married I was the messy one, as time went on I improved and DH became not quite so tidy, whoever arrrived home first cooked dinner and the other one cleaned up after dinner. At weekends I dealt with the washing and he cleaned the house, we never spoke about division of jobs we just got on with it. When had DD I took on the bulk of the jobs in the house as I was home full time, we shared looking after the baby when he was home, and he would take baby out at the weekend for a walk to give me some time on my own.
I was lucky as my mother in law had told all her sons, your wife works full time the same as you, therefore you are also responsible for the home.

I think you sound like quite hard work. Not everyone has the same standards.

How about you drop to his level instead of making him cone up to yours? He obviously does quite a lot. He sounds like you pushed and pushed. He probably doesn’t even notice the stuff lying around that he leaves about

I know it's too late now but if he has an ongoing issue controlling his temper I would question having a child with him, in fact I would question being in a relationship with him. He sounds like a pig and I wonder why you haven't addressed his temperament issues before now? Especially as pregnancy is when most verbal and/or physical abuse manifests in relationships. How is his temperament going to be with sleep deprivation and a screaming baby, if he can't cope now? Forget the household chores - that's a side issue. You are ignoring that this man is verbally abusive to you, and you already knew he has problems with that. Like I said, bugger the household chores, that is unimportant. You are focusing on the wrong thing. You could be in danger, and he certainly does not sound father material. Imagine how he will lash out at an innocent screaming baby? What are doing with him? If you want to save the marriage, get marriage counselling because this is how domestic abuse starts. Even if he never hits you, him being really out of control emotionally/verbally is very dangerous for you and your child.

Aw I didn’t want to read and not comment @Susie4466. I understand the nasty comments in arguments as my OH is guilty of going too far too. The words cut like a knife and like you say it’s hard to take back and forget about what was said once it’s left the mouth!

In regards to the chores, if both of you are working full time then the majority of chores shouldn’t be left to you. Like yourself, I also do majority of the cooking so when I see a sink full of dishes it p*sees me off. My OH and I also work the same amount and I’ve often resented him for the fact that I don’t think the housework is balanced, in fact overall I’d say I do more than him in day to day life.

I wish I had a magic solution to offer you but I’m also looking for one. I’m currently expecting and feel like I should be resting with my feet up whenever I can get the chance but I end up picking up his slack instead.

We’ve had numerous discussions and things improve temporarily and then it’s back to his old ways. I hope it works better for you than it has for me x

I’m with @GappyValley - it doesn’t mean the marriage is doomed, but it needs to be sorted out in time before baby arrives and the workload is heightened along with lack of sleep, hormones and two tired parents x

It is very difficult from one post to decide if:

He expects you to tidy up after him, or

He just doesn't tidy fast enough for your liking.

They are very different things. My DH is exceptionally clean and tidy, regularly tidies up after the kids and I and never complains. It is not that I expect this but I will often leave things to come back to after I've dealt with kids/sent an email/had 5 mins peace and quiet. He doesn't. I do most of the cooking and laundry. He would do it if I asked. We have cleaners come in every 2 weeks to do a proper clean.

He works away a lot, during which time I am effectively a single mum with two very small kids (and one on the way) that are very close together. I work part time but earn more than him. It doesn't matter a hoot who earns what and our accounts have been completely merged for 10+ years so there is no way to declare who paid for what.

We are a team and I recognise that I am lucky to be married to someone like him.

I am gibbering on but the point I am trying to make is that you need to take a step back and figure out whether he really isn't pulling his weight or if your standards just differ. It isn't reasonable to expect someone who is not immaculate to become so, it is reasonable to expect them to contribute to an acceptable standard of living.

If it helps in anyway, during my antenatal classes for DD1 the midwife was very empathic that any perfectionists needed to learn to accept 'good enough' for the good of their mental health after the baby was born. I wholeheartedly agree with this. It is of course possible to have an immaculate house and a baby but you will be absolutely exhausted and I just dont think thats a necessary pressure to put on either of you.

He needs to get on his bike re. the money thing though. You are married and have a house and will soon have children. Everything you both have now belongs to the family unit as a whole. End of!

Why are you doing all the cooking, laundry and the majority of the housework when you both work full time?

I predict him expecting you to do everything once the baby arrives.

I think when you’re on maternity leave he’ll expect you to do everything as you’ll be ‘sitting at home all day’ and he works. He sounds thoroughly unpleasant and I think if you posted this on the relationships board you would get very different replies.

He sounds like a lazy dirty selfish nasty piece of work and I 100% guarantee all of that will get even worse once the baby arrives.

@Susie4466

You partner lived with his mum before you moved in together and she did everything for him didn't she?