how to cope with death at the same time as birth

[ladypanda]

I'm due my first baby in 3 days time, and just lost our very beloved father in law to cancer. The timing feels so cruel, it would have been his first grandchild. I'm worried the grief will disturb the natural build up to birth, the labour (which I'm hoping to do naturally at home) and the immediate bonding afterwards. Does anyone have any experience or clues as to how to cope?
LP .

((((((hugs to you)))))))

i was in a similar situation when pregnant with ds2, i first lost my cousin to a brain tumour and then 7 weeks later my nan died also.
it was a tough time for all of us and being pg didnt help and im not going to tell you its plain sailing because its not,but my grieving did not have a negative effect on the birth,i had planned to have no pain relief as i did with ds1 and i stuck to that,the birth was straight forward enough and we bonded instantly,infact more so than ds1.hes now 15 and we are as close as any mother and son could be.

I am so sorry for your loss.
We went through a similar situation. My MIL father died a week before my DD1 arrived. I actually went into labour on day of his funeral. In a way I think it helped my MIL as it gave her something else to focus her mind on and gave some joy to all at a time of sadness.
It then happened again when I was expecting DD2 my MIL brother died of cancer 2 months before DD2 was born (to be honest I did think I was a curse to my DH family). Again my daughter helped her through the sadness and like smeeinachristmastreeinnit they have a very close bond with their grandmother.

My dd's birth is totally tied up with my grandmothers death. I started contractions the day after I heard she was seriously ill (only 2wks early) on the day dd was born I had a phone call from my dad saying my grandmother was dying(after dd was born) and she died when dd was 3 days old. My mum is convinced I went into labour early because of worry about my grandmother - we were very close, we lived with her for a while when I was a child and I often holidayed with her, me alone and as a family. I felt like I was on an emotional rollercoaster - high at my wonderful dd and crashing lows and tears at times, I really struggled to cope and gave up breastfeeding when dd was a week old, which I'll always regret but I do feel something had to give and I wasn't coping. I do wish I'd asked for more help at times, i did struggle to bond with dd at first, but found once I'd stopped breastfeeding (which I found hard - bleeding nipples etc) I found it easier. It was all very hard and I really feel for you. The only thing I can say is that it does get easier over time and do ask for help and support, let the health profeesionals know what you are going through and don't beat yourself up if you can't be the perfect mum(like I did). I did bond very well with dd after the first couple of weeks, I hope everything goes well for you.

My nan died 10 days before my baby was born. It may sound awful but having the baby coming gave me something nice to focus on and did help. It was been nearly 2 and a half years now and I still can't get my head around the fact that she has gone but it helps that she knew the baby was coming and what we were going to call him.

I am so sorry for your loss.

So sorry for your loss ladypanda. My lovely dad became ill with cancer when ds1 was just 3 months old and I spent a couple of months haring up and down the M6 and feeling torn and miserable before he died. It was pretty awful, but a few positive things - ds1 was a delight, and I think really helped all of us, my mum in particular, to cope with what was happening. If anything, I think it helped with the bonding because a close loss makes everyone else so precious, iyswim.

I was talking to my mum the other day, and she had just met her step-grandson-to-be (! my DB's fiancee's ds...) and said that it made her realise that things move on and new people come into your life. I'm sure your new LO will bring you all great joy and comfort at such a difficult time.

Oh, and be careful. Somewhere in with all the sadness I managed to fall pg with ds2, who was born 9 months to the day after my dad died .

thank you so much for sharing your stories. As ever it helps knowing others have come through similar, and managed xx

ladypanda you will cope and i don't really think there are any rules to get through it but you will. Always ask for help if you need it and don't worry about putting on other people too much.
I lost my mum and found out i was 3 months pg with my ds who would have been her first granchild. It wasn't easy but if anything i probably tried to hard to cope so was relctant to ask for help as i felt everyone was constantly expecting me to break down.
Even now it's hard and there are so many experiences i wish my mum could have shared with me but sadly it wasn't meant to be.
I gave ds her middle name and talk about her a lot to him and that helps. He talks now of his nanna although he has never met her.
Good luck with the birth and i am sure your fil will be with you every step of the way