Why am I not happy?

[Bobbi81]

My partner and I were trying to conceive for 4 months before I got my 2 lines on the stick. I expected to feel happy, but I've yet to feel anything other than terror and confusion. My OH is great, he's over the moon and nesting like a trooper, he's really supportive but I just feel lost and empty. We went for my 12 week scan yesterday and I thought seeing the baby on screen would kick-start all those mum-to-be warm and fuzzies, but instead it was more like an out of body experience. I feel no connection at all with my baby. I feel so much pressure to be happy and I don't know how to tell my partner how I'm feeling. He's at work today and I've just sat around all morning crying and feeling confused. I'm 39 so this is kind of my last chance at having a family, but I'm so scared that I'm not actually ready, that I won't cope and that I won't feel any bond with my baby when he/she arrives.
Is what I'm feeling normal or should I be seeking some kind of mental health support? If anyone out there has felt something similar I'd really like to hear how you coped. Right now I feel emotionally alone and ashamed that I'm not feeling the way everyone expects me to x

Hey, I think this is totally normal. I’m 13 weeks and although I really want this baby, I’ve had some extremely low days where I wonder if this is REALLY what I want.

I think in reality, having a baby is a complex and life changing thing, so it’s totally natural to feel ups and downs and have doubts.

I think especially with social media we feel like we should be happy all the time. There is a lot of pressure to feel happy and if you don’t we’re conditioned to think that means something is wrong.

Pregnancy is full of highs and lows, try not to stress about it and worry that it means something, it probably doesn’t. You’re probably just thinking about the risks and how your life will change which is totally normal.

I got really sad about how my body will change and how my life will change the other day, but today I feel much better. Xxx

I also think it’s something other people experience (if that’s what is meant by normal). I felt same even after the birth. I felt detached. I wasn’t sure if it’s what I wanted, or if I’d cope - like you say. BUT I mentally put all my energy into caring for the new baby and poured love into the baby (much as I might if I were looking after a baby bird!). I didn’t feel any overwhelming connection to my child.

The real pleasure (if that’s how you are defining happiness) only came after DC1 could talk (I worried too much before then!) and the pleasure increases as the DC age. Now I love DC more than anything... and feel so happy to have children. But it took time.

💐 Don’t beat yourself up about how you are feeling. Your body is undergoing massive changes, and you mentally know your life will change too.

Since you are worried you are not feeling happy, I’d first look for books on Amazon about parenting and pregnancy (if you haven’t already) and /or seek some outside help. What you’re saying resonates with some, maybe even many, but I’m sure to some (including you?) it’s taboo. And how you are feeling is clearly getting you down. I think the way you feel is perfectly natural though, even if it isn’t talked about all that much.

Keep a strong eye out if it escalates into full blown depression - and I’m sure others will respond to let you know what help you can access.

Lots of parenting books also give really good advice on coping once the baby is here... as does MN :-). you are not alone!

I had no connection to my DC1 while in the womb, when they was born it was like a lightening bolt of love zapped me. It’s hard to know how to love something so intensely at your stage now, so don’t worry!

Aww that’s so lovely @Bythefire90 xxx

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. It really comforts me to hear from people going through the something similar. Everyone I talk to in person about my pregnancy make out what a magical and wonderful time it should be, which makes me feel guilty and anxious xx

I didn't feel this when I was pregnant but when I gave birth my dad said "do you love him?" And I said yes but inside I was like "nope". Feeling worried. But month or two later I looked at my boy and had a huge rush of love.
So beware when baby comes it's not always lovely dovey either. I just went through the motions if caring for him but I was a bit like omg what have I done?!

Then it got better.

And I think when you start to feel movements, probably around 22 weeks you will start feeling a bond

Listen I’m coming up 37 weeks and there are still days I question if this is what I really want.

Can’t go back now lol, but what you are feeling is totally normal. Having a baby is life changing, along with what pregnancy does to you.

As the time goes on, you get kicks and feel your bump you will start to connect with it.

I hated every moment of pregnancy the first time round so think I felt exactly the same way as you. Go easy on yourself, having a baby isn’t easy, personally didn’t find anything to bond with until she popped out!

I was like this with every one of my 3 children. When we bought the pram for dc1, I sat in the living room and cried.

As soon as they were here I couldn’t have loved them more

Try not to worry, I think lots of people go through the same but perhaps aren't as open about it as people who are loving the experience! We were TTC for ages and ended up having IVF to conceive. I am 22 weeks and still feel very little connection to her, and have days when I think 'what have we done'! I am not enjoying the inconvenience of pregnancy and am daunted by the prospect of everything getting harder/worse over the next 18 weeks! All that said, I still feel like I'm looking forward to being a mum and I'm hopeful I'll be a good one! It's okay to not enjoy pregnancy and not be baby crazy. Everyone goes through this in their own way. I would have a conversation with your partner about how you're feeling, just so that he knows what page you're on. I don't think the way you're feeling is anything to be ashamed/embarrassed about. It is a daunting time with lots of change, which some are able to embrace more than others. I am sure when your baby arrives you will be a wonderful mum. Go easy on yourself in the meantime 😃

Thanks to those who have shared their stories - they are really reassuring.

I always feel the same early in pregnancy. Sick, exhausted, overwhelmed, and kind of just numb and apprehensive for the future. (And this is with planned pregnancies.)

It grows on you, and even more so when the baby's here. x

I felt so sick and horrendous the whole way through my first pregnancy. It definitely affected my mental health as I found it so hard going. My baby was planned and very much wanted, but I didn’t feel much of a connection to her when I was pregnant. Even when she was born, I didn’t feel that instant, rush of love that people talk about... it took a little while to get to know her. She’s the best thing ever and I couldn’t love her any more than I do. With my second pregnancy, I felt much more connected- perhaps because we already knew what it was like having a baby? I wouldn’t worry, the feelings and connection will come. X

Don't be fooled by the 'pregnancy is magical ' crowd. Most women feel a wide range of emotions, many negative. It will improve. After 39 years of body autonomy it's a major shock mentally

I think people say all this stuff about it being magical etc because they are looking back and feeling nostalgic about it because they now have children and feel such a sense of love it's more about themselves than you or what you should feel while pregnant. When you are actually pregnant it's not magical it's just you being pregnant. Don't stress about it. You do you and I bet in a few years you will be spouting all that rubbish about what a magical time blah blah to others who are pregnant lol