Second baby on the way afraid of postnatal depression/bonding with baby

[Mhairi333]

Hi everyone im just really looking for tips and advice and maybe other mums experiences if you had postnatal depression the first time and avoided it the second time around. I know there probably isnt anyway to stop it from happening but any stories might give me some hope.

The first time around im not really sure what i was expecting other than to feel the love that iv heard so many other mums talk about. When my son was born the first thought that came to my head was omg you're real and i was instantly terrified. I also never got that hour of skin to skin with him as both sides of the family came straight in after the birth and were all holding him and passing him around for a full hour. i literally held him for 2 minutes then he was taken away to the neonatal unit as he had a few issues and he ended up being in there for 3 weeks. My husband and i went every single day and i felt like the midwives were so much better at caring for him than i was and they were all lovely and helpful but they all had different opinions and i was seriously overwhelmed i felt like i wasnt good enough and i was scared of getting it all wrong. I never understood what anxiety was until then and it was really scary. When he got home from the hospital i still hadnt bonded with him and had a constant stream of well meaning visitors i felt under pressure to have the house perfect at all times and look half decent and take on board everyones critisisms and advice it was just exhausting. I felt i finally had some sort of bond with him when my husband finally went back to work and the visitors stopped and me and him just got to lie down and snuggle. I still struggled and went through almost 2 years of postnatal depression it wasnt diagnosed until my son was around 6 months old and i went to therapy and i eventually got better and got that spark back of being myself again and now there is no question of how much i love him. Im now 38 weeks pregnant with my second and i really want to have that overwhelming feeling of love and be a happy wife and mum. As it gets closer im worried i will go through that again. Does anyone have any tips or advice or even stories of hope to share with me?

You need time and space to bond with your new baby. You can’t control any of the medical stuff but you can reduce the visitors. I would ban them at the hospital completely (if covid hasn't put a stop to them where you are) and keep visits short and spaced out in the first six weeks at least. Having to clean for the visitors is crazy, they should be doing housework for you!
Are there key people who will be upset and pushy about wanting to visit? It’s pretty unusual for family to be waiting outside the delivery room so you might have to quickly impose some boundaries before baby’s arrival.

If you don't want visitors in hospital (if they're even allowed at the moment!) you can get the midwives on side for this. When my family visited, one student midwife very helpfully just HAD to come in and clear everyone out after twenty minutes to do some ESSENTIAL medical faffing. You can tell the staff you want no visitors at all and they can keep people out.

I found the second time much less anxiety inducing as I had a lot more perspective on life and parenthood and babyhood. The total panic that came with all the different advice wasn't really there as much, because I knew what had worked for our first baby and I planned to just do that again. Also, I was comfortable with the fact that it would take time to learn to love her and just because she was a screaming blob when she came out didn't mean we couldn't have a wonderful close relationship in a few months time. Being able to sit with that lack of bond and not beat myself up about it was really helpful.

The thing that made the biggest difference to me was to consciously make the decision that for six months after the baby was born, I was the most important person in the world. My personal sleep was more important than anyone elses, my personal meals were more important than anyone elses etc. Especially the sleep. Everyone else could piss off, I was looking after number one. Alas I was not waited on hand and foot by a bevy of coquettish maids and hunky footmen, but I did allow and encourage my husband to do a lot of things for me, and asked visitors to fetch and carry for me. (Though lockdown a few weeks after she was born put paid to that...) I also took up as much of visiting HCPs time as I wanted, and wasted their time with trivial questions.

I'd run myself ragged with my first, especially trying to do everything the "right" way. This time I was happy for my personal convenience to be a factor in the parenting decisions we made: feeding, sleep, nappies, etc.

Putting my sleep before anything else was the best thing I've done as a parent.