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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Babies

22 replies

Morningmum91 · 08/04/2021 22:08

Hi, I’m new to this so please stay with me.
I am 30 and have 1 child. My partner of 2 years wants a biological child of his own with me. When we got together I wanted this too. As the years have gone by and my LG is now 4, I’m really not sure if I do want another one.
Partner is saying this makes things difficult. He desperately wants his own child and is 37 (feeling like time is not on his side)
He says he wants me, I’m the one & wants the whole family of us and 2 kids (1 bonus + 1 biological) but.... if that’s not what I want he has also said our relationship will probably end because he wants a baby of his own that much.
I don’t know what to do :(
Do I open my heart to another child not knowing if I’ll cope or do I let the love of my life go?

OP posts:
Poppet12345 · 08/04/2021 22:32

Hmm I can kind of see where he's coming from, if I was with someone who already had a child and I wanted one of my own and it wasn't an option I think I would have to walk away, you've got your own child must be a bit difficult for him not having his own.
But I also don't think you should have another child if your only doing it for him.

PFin · 09/04/2021 03:01

Only you can make this decision. I totally get your other half and dont blame him. Where im sure he loves your child he clearly yearns for his own biological child whichs yous both agreed on at the start. And now you have changed your mind, which is totally your right and you should never have a child because you feel pressured into it and if its not something you truely want, this will never end well. And depriving your partner wont end well either. You need to decide if you want another child and tell him straight. Then deal with the consequences of the decision youve made.

Piccalily19 · 09/04/2021 03:08

Not trying to talk you into it but have you properly explored why you don’t want another one?
I’m just thinking are you by any chance worried about not coping because your ex partner didn’t support you well enough with your first? The whole experience may be completely different for you this time

jessstan2 · 09/04/2021 03:21

Don't have another child unless you really want to.

If your partner was completely committed to you, this would not be a deal breaker.

ivfbeenbusy · 09/04/2021 03:22

To be honest I agree with him. I wouldn't stay with someone either and give up the chance to have my own child. I'd always resent them. At least he's been Honest with you. If you love him why wouldn't you want to have a baby with hun?

CoffeeAndCaramel · 09/04/2021 04:50

Of course you shouldn't have a baby if you don't want one but I don't understand why you wouldn't want to give him a child if you love him so much? I don't mean that rude at all I'm just curious, surely it would be lovely to have one together? Maybe your experience with your child's father put you off? It's really sad for your partner as he obviously loves you but he naturally wants a child of his own x

JemimaTiggywinkle · 09/04/2021 04:55

What is it that makes you think you won’t cope with another child? Have you talked about how you would both share parenting of a potential new baby?

And at 30 and 37 there is plenty of time... you’ve only been together 2 years, that’s not very long.

How is your relationship in other ways?

CloudFormations · 09/04/2021 05:57

It’s so hard OP, and there’s no right or wrong choice. Only you know if you can compromise on this for the sake of your relationship.

PurpleFlower1983 · 09/04/2021 05:57

@jessstan2

Don't have another child unless you really want to.

If your partner was completely committed to you, this would not be a deal breaker.

But another child was part of the original ‘deal’ of the relationship. They had discussed this. It’s absolutely fine for OP to decide she doesn’t want another but unfair to her partner to say he is not committed because he has always made it clear he wants a biological child of his own.
KoalaOok · 09/04/2021 06:16

It's ok to not want another child and it's ok for him to want a child. He thought you were on the same page as him. Only you can answer if you want to have another child and if you don't it is OK and the right thing to do to let him go. Don't string him along as he will just regret staying or leave anyway.

Original poster
Morningmum91 · 09/04/2021 07:37

I had a terrible traumatic time with my 1st. She didn’t breath for 10 minutes and underwent treatment in hospital which saved her life. She is fine now, but it’s in my head constantly. What if it happens again? What ifs about absolutely everything.
Me and my partner also don’t live together. If a baby came along now which he would like, his plan is to just ‘pop over’ and see the child(ren) like he does now with mine. There are no future plans to take the leap and live under the same roof (in the next year he still says he’s not ready)
I feel he’s quite childish with his approach to having a child and also doesn’t understand fully the extent of my ptsd from my 1st pregnancy.
This is mainly why I’m feeling conflicted of having a child. Will I just end up being a single parent to 2 kids? 2 dads? Logistics of the children seeing their fathers. It blows my mind.

OP posts:
PinkPlantCase · 09/04/2021 07:41

Op his proposed living arrangement for this is not on at all.

If he isn’t ready for the commitment of living together, or marriage and the legal protections that brings then he isn’t ready to be planning to have a child with you.

LouiseTrees · 09/04/2021 07:43

Tell him you wont even consider it at the moment because you won’t be anything but a 50:50 parent to the child. That involves living together because he needs to do 50 percent of all night wakes. Also at 39 he’s got potentially 40 years left of fertility.

PurpleFlower1983 · 09/04/2021 08:01

@Morningmum91

I had a terrible traumatic time with my 1st. She didn’t breath for 10 minutes and underwent treatment in hospital which saved her life. She is fine now, but it’s in my head constantly. What if it happens again? What ifs about absolutely everything. Me and my partner also don’t live together. If a baby came along now which he would like, his plan is to just ‘pop over’ and see the child(ren) like he does now with mine. There are no future plans to take the leap and live under the same roof (in the next year he still says he’s not ready) I feel he’s quite childish with his approach to having a child and also doesn’t understand fully the extent of my ptsd from my 1st pregnancy. This is mainly why I’m feeling conflicted of having a child. Will I just end up being a single parent to 2 kids? 2 dads? Logistics of the children seeing their fathers. It blows my mind.
Well this changes everything of course! He’s not ready to have a child if these are the living circumstances he is happy with.
Original poster
Morningmum91 · 09/04/2021 08:15

PurpleFlower1983
This is what I’m feeling.
If he’s not ready to live together, not ready for marriage- which I want. His answer is always “down the line”
What line? What time frame of this line?
I don’t want to be in a relationship, have another baby and still feel like a single parent :(

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 09/04/2021 10:55

@Morningmum91

PurpleFlower1983 This is what I’m feeling. If he’s not ready to live together, not ready for marriage- which I want. His answer is always “down the line” What line? What time frame of this line? I don’t want to be in a relationship, have another baby and still feel like a single parent :(
Your concerns are absolutely valid and to me this would be a massive red flag.
ivfbeenbusy · 09/04/2021 11:04

Massive drip feed there which does change things

If you aren't living together and prepared to provide a stable Home life for a child then no you shouldn't have a child with him

Chelyanne · 09/04/2021 11:04

Tell him it's a definite NO until he fully commits to a relationship with you. Living separately is only understandable if he works in a town/city that has a long commute to your family home and that should only be part time (forces wife so we live that way). Sounds like he has a bit of maturing to do before becoming a father.
Explain that you need to feel like you have stability to consider his request, if he doesn't understand why that is important then he's probably not the one for you.

jessstan2 · 09/04/2021 15:15

@Morningmum91

PurpleFlower1983 This is what I’m feeling. If he’s not ready to live together, not ready for marriage- which I want. His answer is always “down the line” What line? What time frame of this line? I don’t want to be in a relationship, have another baby and still feel like a single parent :(
I don't blame you.

It would be a 'No' from me.

JemimaTiggywinkle · 09/04/2021 15:30

I wonder how he would he react if you suggested that he is the full time parent and you just pop over to see the baby occasionally?
After all, you already have one child to look after - seems fair to have one each, especially as it’s him who wants one.

elliemara · 09/04/2021 15:38

So I think there are two issues. The first is the living arrangement - that's easy, you tell him having a baby is conditional upon living together. If he wants the child that much surely that's not an unreasonable request at all.

The second is your PTSD Flowers And how absolutely traumatic your experience must have been. I can't even begin to imagine. Have you had a birth reflection meeting and/or counselling with the hospital afterwards? You can still have this even if years have passed. Of course I don't know what the reason for your DD's difficult start were but I would guess it would be very unlikely to happen again. There might be things the doctors could do/put in place in order to prevent any problems. Regardless of what you decide regarding your DP and another baby it might help you to seek therapy and process the PTSD? And then you can see whether underneath that you can imagine having another child, or not. All the best to you Flowers

Inthesky42 · 09/04/2021 16:00

If he's not ready to commit to you buy moving in / marriage / doing everything 50:50 he's not ready for a child. Full stop.

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