Struggling to let go of a last shred of hope... probable mc

[weathervane123]

I'm not in a good place. 6+5 weeks and yesterday I felt a twinge and spotted pink upon wiping. This turned to brown discharge, which then turned to bright red blood around 5am this morning. I've been bleeding reasonably heavily today, with very mild cramping, and thus far small clots.

Despite knowing when I ovulated (5th-6th March approx according to OPK), I think I may have implanted late due to four days of cramps that made me certain AF was coming, which I also felt wasn't a good sign of a strong pregnancy. A Clearblue digital showed 1-2 weeks pregnant on 22nd March after a couple of positive tests, and yesterday/today I got 2-3 weeks. I feel like I should be further along... plus, though my pregnancy symptoms were never strong (one reason I worried), I don't even have sore boobs any more.

I want to prepare myself to be told the worst tomorrow morning at my EPAU scan, but I'm finding it hard to shake the last bit of hope I have. Anyone else experienced this? I know it's probably normal but it's really not looking good for me at all, and I've been feeling oddly pessimistic about the viability of this pregnancy since I found out about it. I'm 38 pregnant with #1 and got lucky on the first cycle ttc (after implant removal) so it's always felt to good to be true. Plus, and I know this sounds so selfish, the timing was so perfect for us it felt serendipitous. I'm not a lucky person, hence the fear and sense of impending doom since the beginning. I'm so frightened of the next two years of my life being eaten up by the ttc/mc journey, until I run out of time.

Despite all this I've managed to get attached. And even though I know the signs are all pointing to miscarriage I still want to be told there's a problem with me not the bean, or maybe that there was a hidden twin (this happened to my mum - I'd be sad, but still pregnant) or just anything that isn't 'I'm sorry, your baby died.' It's eating me up how I'm clinging on to this last little shred of hope and can't let go.

Sorry for the rant. I just needed to vent. I wish everyone the best, especially those in a similar boat as me right now.

Hi @weathervane123 i'm so sorry you're going through this. I had a MMC in Feb so I know how you're feeling. The fear of the impending scan was real and I too had a sense of impending doom throughout the pregnancy with lessening symptoms and "just a weird feeling". I too was hoping it was "all in my head". Sadly for me, my instincts were right but strangely, once the worst was confirmed I felt a bit better like I hadn't been going mad and at least I knew where I stood.

Having said all this, you hear of plenty of people who feel as you are feeling and miraculously, all is well at the scan so you're right not to lose hope! The fact of the matter is however, there is nothing you can do about it (or could have done about it) either way so try not to worry (impossible I know).

I also got pregnant first try (although I am a bit younger than you so I felt this was my right rather than good luck!) and recently a sonographer who was scanning me after the procedure said that catching first time is a really great sign your fertility is top notch so even if this one does go pear shaped for you all the evidence suggests you will be pregnant again in no time if that's what you want.

You are right in the eye of the storm at the moment but whichever way it goes, it will pass so try not to fret.

Much love xx