Expecting twins but feel worried that I regret pregnancy

[Onesoontobethree]

Wasn’t sure where to post this, but feel like I need to write it down somewhere as it’s very hard to say it to anyone in real life.

First of all, I know I’m very lucky. I have a beautiful little girl and I’m about 22 weeks pregnant with twins.

Thing is, I really don’t know how I will cope. I wanted one more baby as that’s what I felt we could deal with, but given the situation I think I wish we’d not tried for another.

We started thinking about it when DD turned 2, she was a very very difficult baby. Cried all day for over a year- we couldn’t take her anywhere. She grew up, things got easier and we decided to try for another. It happened very quickly and then we found out it was twins.

DD will be three when they’re born, and she’s amazing but such hard work by herself. Things actually seem to be more challenging with her as she approaches age 3!

Mentally I don’t know how we will cope. The plan was I would have one baby and co sleep etc. as I know that’s the kind of thing that works. I can’t do any of what I planned with twins.

We had to relocate so I don’t have my family nearby. The in laws are moving to our area, but to be honest I think that will make things worse as we don’t really get along and I find them hard to be around.

I just feel so scared, about the lack of sleep, listening to screaming babies all day, worry about colic. Life with 3 kids. No more holidays and possible difficulty returning to work. I think we’ve made a huge mistake but it’s too late to do anything about it.

Honestly you will manage.
It is tough in the early days with twins but once you have routines established you will wonder why you were ever worried at all. Have confidence in yourself.

I did it with twins and 3 older ones (2, 4 & 9) mostly alone as dh is military so away a lot. Exhausting but so worth it. Expecting number 6 now, may be a bit mad lol.

I can't help with Twins but just remember every baby is different.
My first spent the first year screaming all night every night couldn't settle her at all. We had 2 more after expecting number 4 now.
The next 2 babies were totally different. My 2nd even went to sleep as soon as you laid him in his crib after a feed it was a totally shock after having the first that screamed all night long 😂. I started to understand not all babies are like my first. Next 2 seemed a breeze in comparison. Hoping number 4 will too but you can never tell. My first had severe colic could never bring her wind up, would constantly Chuck up her whole feeds. Where the others one pat on the back and would burp and be settled.
Good luck x

We were really scared about our second, as the first was honestly a nightmare. There was this feeling of dread in the runup to DD2. And then she was born and it was sooooo much easier than the first - because they have very different personalities. Hugs hugs hugs, it may well prove to be very different to what you expect. Anticipation often builds a totally false impression of what things are going to be like.

Not twins but our first was a nightmare! I was really worried about having a second.

Our second was an amazing sleeper and very content, opposite of their sibling. Guess what I’m trying to say is the twins might be amazing and I think as a second time mum you are more relaxed and better at juggling it all.

The oldest will be getting their free hours soon so I’m guessing you could put them in preschool to help give you a break?

I have twins and yes it was hard - like you I didn’t have family to help. Line up all the help you can get from anywhere. Get people to do cleaning, ironing etc if you can afford it. Look up twins clubs. Join the Twins Trust. Politely keep your in-laws at arms length if you don’t want them around. Don’t entertain visitors who expect you to wait on them! Make your husband understand that you will need help. It’s doable, you just have to abandon any ideas of perfection and accept just doing things well enough.

Twins are very special. Congratulations

I had a two year old and was pregnant with twins, it was bloody hard when they arrived. Honestly, it’ll be hard but totally worth it. I feel so lucky to be part if this exclusive club, they are so amazing!
I remember not really talking aloud about it for weeks because i felt so apprehensive and felt i couldn’t speak positively about it.
Congratulations!

I could have written your post OP. I have a 3 year old who was conceived after 4 years TTC and two full rounds of ICSI. She was a very high needs baby, didn’t sleep, felt completely broken by her.

Then she turned 2 and started sleeping better and getting easier and as she has no cousins, we thought about a second. Got referred to the fertility clinic to see if it was worth a last throw of the dice and tried naturally in the meantime. I honestly thought I wouldn’t get pregnant but I ought to try.

Conceived almost immediately. Found out at 11 weeks I was expecting twins. I felt exactly the same as you. Worried about how we’d cope, lots of anxiety and sleepless nights, how I’d cope with the pregnancy etc. I had to grieve the 2 child family I thought I was getting, the “easy” pregnancy I hoped I’d have this time around. It’s hard to get your head round mentally.

I’m now nearly 34 weeks and the pregnancy is definitely tougher than my first, but I’m managing and I’m proud of myself and the babies for getting this far. Every week is a victory. I still don’t know how we’ll manage but I’ve hired a cleaner and bought a Next to Me to put the babies in at the start. We’ll figure out the rest as we go along, and get stuff from Amazon Prime as we need it. Family are rallying round to help and we’re stocking up on freezer meals. I’m pretty huge now and at the point of wanting them here-don’t want to be pregnant anymore!

What has helped is finding other expectant twin mums to chat to. A bunch of us from a forum set up a WhatsApp group and that has been a lifeline. Also there’s some decent twin groups on Facebook, it’s worth joining those for support. I don’t think others get it unless they’ve experienced it themselves.

Just remember your body is doing an amazing thing, growing two babies! Not to mention double the hormones and the emotional impact that has. Try and be easy on yourself. It’s scary but there’s plenty of us in the same boat.

@Chelyanne

Honestly you will manage. It is tough in the early days with twins but once you have routines established you will wonder why you were ever worried at all. Have confidence in yourself.

I did it with twins and 3 older ones (2, 4 & 9) mostly alone as dh is military so away a lot. Exhausting but so worth it. Expecting number 6 now, may be a bit mad lol.

Wow! Can anyone explain how you look after 5 kids on your own, I am home 3 years now with DC, in the first 5 months of going it alone properly as in just myself and DC living together, as last year was staying with family, what a shock it was. I am at the end of my tether, I find it gets very hard trying to do everything, and people say oh you've only got the one 🤬

I have a 4 year old and 3 month old twins.
I'm actually finding it easier this time round - older DD has never slept through the night so it's not like I got used to sleep again and now got to give it up. Never had any money anyway 🤣 You just have to get into a routine and quickly and sometimes I feel like a machine - change nappy eat sleep repeat. Don't really get out much but covid lockdowns have helped as no one is getting out so haven't felt like I've missed out on anything. I feel amazing (maybe I'm High on lack of sleep 🤦‍♀️🤣) and can't stop smiling. Even considering trying to persuade DH to have one more baby!

(These are IVF babies after many losses so even the bad days with no sleep and constant crying aren't bad to me. I find I spend hours staring at them just thinking about how lucky i am)

Not wanting to parrot others but babies are sooooo different. My DC1 is a dream. One wake up per night from 6 months. Slept through from 10 months! Naps 2 hours solid every day. Generally happy smiley little guy.

I’m due number 2 shortly and am fully expecting she’ll never nap and will sleep 8 hours per week if I’m lucky!

@Chelyanne wow you sound like superwoman! I wish I didn’t find parenting in general so hard.

Thank you for the replies.

@TheMagicDeckchair congratulations! You’re right it is amazing that your body can grow two babies. I definitely need to learn to slow down a bit and take more rest. Are you on maternity leave yet?

I work 3 days. But even then I find DD (2) so hard some days. She can be an angel, she tells me she loves me so much everyday. She is a little whirlwind, a really strong willed little girl and I adore her for it and I wouldn’t have her any other way.

But if we get another baby like she was I know it will break us. All babies are definitely different but I feel like with two we have more chance of a difficult one again.. I know we will be better able to deal with it but mentally, I don’t know if I can deal with that level of stress.

My brother, lovely as he is, suggested going on holiday. I pointed out the babies would be 4 months old and we would be housebound, and he was like ‘oh no, we took DN on a 12 hour flight and road trip when she was a baby’. They have had very easy babies and even toddlers. I think unless you’ve been through it you just don’t understand.

I hate to even talk about the pregnancy/ babies. As it’s something I’m finding hard to accept.

I shouldn’t even be surprised as I am a twin myself... however my Mum is very much a ‘get on with it type’, and I don’t feel like I could even talk about my concerns with her. She even likes to remind me how hard it will be, like I need reminding after my experience with DD (she didn’t help with her at all!).

@Onesoontobethree I could've almost written this word for word! Only difference I this I'm a FTM to be and found out last week (on April Fools of all days...) that it's twins.

My excitement of knowing my OH and I were expecting has been replaced with, for want of a better word, sadness. All the things I thought would be have been turned upside down - no just me and my 'little mate', now it's how on earth am I going to be able to give enough attention to two babies, the financial worries that were already there have now doubled, knowing there's a much increased chance of needing a caesarean with twins. we had always said we only wanted one so I was really hoping to have as natural a birth as possible as it is likely to be my only pregnancy so weirdly it's an experience I'd like (I'm 38 so chances are slim I'd be having another in a couple of years). I know twins don't rule it out but it's just it keeps playing over in my head.

My OH and family/friends are all so excited and I just feel so awful that I'm not - I just keep thinking "well you don't have to do it". Yes my OH obviously will go through a lot of it but as he's self employed he'll have to be back working ASAP so it will be me doing a lot of it and it scares the beejeebus out of me.

I keep trying to tell myself that they could easily be the most placid babies. My brother and SIL had twins a few years ago and I saw just how tough it can be.

Sorry to ramble on but needed to say it aloud

@Crazybabylady14 totally understand! I am lucky I got to have a lovely experience with DD, breastfeeding her and cuddling her on the sofa for all of my maternity leave. I wanted the same with this one, but it’s just going to be carnage!

I get what you mean about the birth too. A c section terrifies me. I had natural with DD but with epi because she was back to back, it was long and a bit complicated. Part of me wanted the natural water birth experience but that won’t happen.

I mean it should be a nice ‘problem’ to have - too many babies! We’re having a boy and a girl, on paper we have this perfect family life with a lovely house. And everyone is so excited that we’re having two, but all I see is relentless hard work ahead.

I know all the negatives I keep thinking about may not even happen and, to be fair, how I'd have liked things to have gone had it been a singleton may not have been either - it just all seems a little overwhelming at the moment.

Boy and girl is lovely! We've not found out yet as not far enough along yet, but will be for sure.

I just keep trying to remind myself of how my SIL said that yes it's hard work but seeing the two of them together and the bond they have is worth it

Honestly if it helps my c section for my twins - whilst an emergency as I haemorrhaged - was a much better recovery than with my DD. I was home after 2 nights (twins stayed in NICU for 3 weeks) and I was driving within 2 weeks

I'd had one c section already so wasn't allowed a natural Birth although it was an option had I not had a c section already. Lots of twins are born naturally

And you get just as much cuddles in - maybe more as you are more conscious of your time being split

Yes the financial side is scary - i have to go back to work at 20 weeks as I'm the main earner and my company maternity is rubbish. We have the twins signed up with a term time only childminder. I also took out a 10 year loan to spread 3 years of childcare over 10 until they get 30 hours childcare x

@Onesoontobethree I finished work at around 31 weeks. I could have worked longer with hindsight but I work for a really small company and there’s only me who does my job. So I had to recruit cover and train up. I knew there were risks with a multiple pregnancy so I wanted everything up and running by 30-32 weeks. It’s good not having to do the commute as I’m struggling to drive with the bump!

Your DD sounds exactly like mine. She’s bright and really spirited and never stops and I wouldn’t change her but she was hard work as a baby. Would meet my mum friends whose little boys slept in the pram with a dummy in, whilst my dummy/bottle/cot/pram refusing DD insisted on being in the sling and walked around. As @ivfbeenbusy says we never got a full night’s sleep anyway- DH says that DD is excellent training as she’s the work of two babies! Will you get the free hours when your DD turns 3? We’re keeping DD in nursery for 3 days when the twins arrive as the funded hours continue whilst you’re on mat leave. DH has saved up his annual leave and is talking about taking 2 days off a week after pat leave while DD is at home to ease the burden.

This time around I’m having boys so it will be a different parenting experience. Initially I wanted one of each like you so DD could have a little sister but I think she’ll be fine.

@Crazybabylady14 congratulations. Your feelings are completely normal. My excitement was overtaken by anxiety when I found out about the twins. And yes to everyone else being excited- I told DH the other day I’d do anything to trade places with him, to be in the supporting role rather the main lead. I know that one day, somewhere down the line we’ll have a happy, busy house filled with kids and it’ll be great but I feel like there’s the big hurdles to cross first. Hopefully you are getting plenty of support from family and friends, it makes a big difference.

Re the birth- at the moment my presenting twin is head down, other is breech, so drs have said I can try for a natural delivery. They will aim to deliver them between 37-38 weeks. But if they arrive before 36 weeks it’ll be almost definitely by c-sec. I had an induced delivery with my first, it was OK but I had to go into theatre for manual removal of my placenta afterwards and I had some continence issues for a while afterwards. So it isn’t always a straightforward recovery with a natural delivery, and lots of my mum friends were induced/had complications etc. But if they’re presenting correctly you should be able to try for a natural delivery. It’s a conversation to have with your consultant further down the line.

Will dd qualify for 30 hours childcare when she turns 3?

Also worth splitting the parental leave. Rather than you take 12 months off, take 6m off and have dh take 6m off too and take it at the same time. This way you can both be all hands on deck for those intense first few months

I had similar feelings. I had a singleton and then twins. When I found out I was really upset. It is really hard but it does get easier I do get annoyed about the finances. I definitely only wanted 2 children so the cost of 3 is really hard....everything is extra...holidays,cars, activities...hopefully one of them will be famous and can pay for my retirement Haha