Broody 27 year old?

[lulumonbear]

Hope this is okay to post on here. So I’m 27, my partner is 31. I’m a SCBU (special care baby) nurse and so naturally babies are on my mind a lot. I’ve been with my partner for 4 years now and feeling more and more broody, but to the point where I have this pulling feeling in my heart/tummy when I see all of my friends having babies. I’m so happy for them but at the same time, and selfishly, I just so wish that was me too.

Some background:
-My partner is very sensible and level-headed, he’s a doctor and in the throes of his training, so although he also wants kids, he wants to give it another few years at least. I’ve accepted that but this pull in my heart to have a baby of my own can be so intense (to the point where I’ve cried) and I don’t know how to ignore it, especially given my job.

• I had a termination when I was 24; it is something I deeply regret, think about often and I worry that I will be punished for it (I fear I will struggle/have recurrent miscarriages etc etc).

Am I being ridiculous? How do I get over it and just be patient?

Lots of people go through this and I think they tend to get a pet.

I'd be more concerned that after 4 years you've had no proposal or any whiff of commitment from your DP. Get that sorted before you get pregnant.

Sorry what, whiff of commitment? How can you assume that from this post alone? You don’t know us.

Jesus Christ, there must have been an absolute stench of commitment when DP hadn’t proposed to me after 7 years

4 years isn’t particularly long when you met at 23.

I went through similar and we got cats. We also then got married when I was 28, and bought a house. At 30 I got pregnant and had DS.

I’m glad we waited and did the wedding-luxury honeymoon-house thing. That took up a lot of time & attention and ultimately I did get less broody after a few months.

Jeez that comment about commitment made me laugh. u would have a field day with me if that was the case. My husband and I have been together since I was 16, him 18. I am now 32. We didn't get engaged and went straight to getting married (in Vegas) when I was 26 so 10 years after we first started seeing each other.

During those 10 years I had 2 terminations as I honestly didn't think we were ready to have a baby. I was still on contraception both times btw. We bought a house etc and then at 29 I fell pregnant again, not planned. This time we kept our little boy and it was the absolute best thing we ever did. We now have another little boy too (only 4 weeks old) and having kids has strengthened our relationship.

I am glad we were together enjoying life going on amazing holidays before any 'commitment' happened. I certainly felt more pressure once we did get married to have kids.

I would say speak to your partner and have an honest conversation about how you are feeling and then take it from there. Just prepare yourself in case he says something you don't want to hear. Relationships are all about compromise.

Thank you so much @Terriblecreature @MaverickDanger. Honestly some of the snap judgements you see on here are amazing. No wonder people start to question their otherwise happy and healthy relationships.

You guys have made me feel better. I guess it’s all about letting life take its course and distracting myself in the meantime. I think it’s probably just a mixture of my job & all my friends becoming pregnant that makes it hard to ignore. I haven’t really spoken to anyone about it because I feel silly. I’ve always felt strong maternal feelings but I feel like my heart aches with it sometimes and last week at work I became teary just cuddling one of the babies. I wonder if this is complicated by the guilt I feel for the termination. Anytime I’ve spoken to friends or other people about it, it feels like they don’t really understand.

Sorry for pouring out my feelings; thank you for replying.

I really understand this as felt a strong urge to have a family from my mid twenties. Had my first at 30.
Are there things that you'd like to achieve in your career before having a baby? I did some postgraduate study and managed to move into a new job which is very flexible for family life and I'm glad I did now as I find it hard to be as motivated with work now that I have small children. I didn't learn to drive before kids and I wish I'd had that sorted beforehand. I saved up a bit for maternity leave but if I had my time again I think I'd try and out extra in my pension too.
We didn't get our first place until my first was a few months old for various reasons but I'd I had my time again it would have been lovely to be settled in our home pre-baby. I also would have liked to travel to some far flung, interesting places so that might be something to organise for both of you when it's possible again. Travel is so much more fun without strollers and a baby on your lap.

It must be hard with your friends having babies, I would have found this hard. A friend of mine who was broody and had to wait to start a family used to always show a special interest and come and see me and the kids often and is a bit of an aunty to mine now. I think it helped her as much as me, so that might be something to consider with one of your good friends.

I'm sorry if the commitment comment offended/ made you snort/ laugh, but I've read too any posts on here about women who have waited and waited, then waited some more for a partner to get on board with trying to conceive, only for them to have left if too late. The partner then happily waltzes off with a new younger model and has a baby while the original woman never has a child.

OPs comment 'he wants to give it another few years at least' is very vague. In another few years will the DP say the same again? Then the same again in another few years?

There's nothing wrong with being broody at 27 and it must be really hard seeing all your friends having babies (and almost torture to work with babies). My point is, if you really want a baby with this man please make sure it's really what he wants too and he's not wasting your time.

There are lots of stories where it all works out but I'd hate to see you back on here in 10 years, still waiting 'just a few more years at least'. Sorry for clearly being a cynical old bat

I could have written this last year, especially as I had a termination when I was 23. It was a forced termination as I had always wanted children fairly young, but me and my partner were living at his parents saving for a mortgage and just starting our careers.

I was always desperate to replace the baby I lost and also punished myself a lot. I’m now 27 and 18 weeks pregnant with my first, so I waited a very long time for this baby! But I can tell you it was very painful watching everyone around me have children and I had these awful feelings of jealousy.

But that’s completely normal. You can’t help how you feel. I ended up getting a dog... and then another one which helped. I think my home would have been empty without them! I also told myself that everyone is on their own path and one day I would have a baby. And also my partner and I agreed when we’d bought a house big enough to raise a family and we’re financially stable, we’d try for a baby. But I always made it very clear that I wanted to have one before I was 30. The vague ‘a few years’ from your partner really can’t be helping you. You probably already have, but I would discuss what he thinks needs to happen in his mind to have a baby as there’s never a right time to have one and you’ll always make it work, and tell him how your feeling and when you’d like to have one. Like other posters have said, you don’t want him dragging this out and wasting your time!

And also about commitment, I didn’t get a proposal for 7 years, so I wouldn’t worry about that 😂

Sorry for rambling, I hope this helps!!

Ah I get it. I had two terminations, one at 20 and one at 24. Mainly because I was so scared to tell family because they weren't supportive and I knew they would never speak to me again. So I felt forced into the decision. Then all the time after that I ached deeply for what I'd done.

But now I'm pregnant with my second and I know I had them both at the right time.

I'd just tell yourself you made that choice for a reason - it was the right choice at the time - and have a serious conversation with DP about how you feel. Don't let it be a vague fob off of 'in a few years,' explain how important it is for you and that you need a timeframe. Don't let it be something that builds up and he's had no idea how strongly you've always felt about it.

GL x

Thank you so much for your replies, you’ve all really helped.

I do understand where you’re coming from but I trust him - I know him, and I know our situation. Because of his training and the different hospital he has to rotate around during these training years we don’t have a stable home (currently living together in hospital residence) & his intense hours spent working/studying mean he wouldn’t be able to enjoy having a baby like he would in a few years time once things are settled. By a few years he means when he’s closer to being a consultant, so he has given me a more exact timeline, I just didn’t specify it in this post. I think he’s being logical & sensible, I’m just struggling with this overwhelming ‘need’ but it’s really nice to know I’m not the only one who has felt like this.

I'd be more concerned that after 4 years you've had no proposal or any whiff of commitment from your DP. Get that sorted before you get pregnant

What??? 4 years is nothing. I’m pregnant and been with my partner over 5 years and no ring!! Have I made a mistake??

I can’t offer you much advice as we started trying when I was 24 because I was so broody and all I’ve ever wanted is to be a mum. It took us over 2 years to conceive and I feel as ready as I’ll ever be.

Who knows? The relationship board is full of women who are left high and dry financially when their DP decides to leave. Unless you yourself are financially secure, having a child and not being married puts you in a very vulnerable position.

Before you name changed you said you’d been with your partner for a year?