Doing it alone

[LP37]

Hello,

This is my first post so I'm not sure if I'm in the right place but I really need some advice from someone who has hopefully gone through a similar situation to me.

I'm 37, no children and not married. A couple of months ago I started online dating. I met a lovely guy and 3 dates in we got physical. After this he told me he's actually married, but in a really unhappy relationship that he wants out of - he and his wife barely talk, sleep in separate areas of the house and are only together for their 11 year old daughter. I was really shocked by this and didn't see him again. Fast forward a couple of months and I'm pregnant. It's definitely his baby. He always said he wants more kids and when I told him about the pregnancy last week he was initially really positive. He said me and the baby were his priority now and immediately said he would leave his wife. I told him that I don't want to be a single mum and if we were to do this I would want to make a go of having a proper relationship - spend the next few months getting to know each other with the view to living together before the baby arrives. He was really positive about this. I've seen him a few times in the last week and I've felt like he's putting the brakes on a bit so I asked him about it today. He says it needs to ultimately be my decision and he doesn't want to try to influence me at all. He wants me to keep the baby, but would understand if I decided not to. When he moves out of his home he will get his own place. He wants us to get to know each other and see if we can make a relationship work but obviously can't give me any guarantees. He said he will always be there to support us and wants to be part of the baby's life, he just can't give any guarantee that a relationship between us will work.

I guess I'm looking for someone who's been in a similar situation. Someone who's gotten pregnant from a one night stand or a very new relationship, or from an extra-marital affair and may have some advice to offer. Am I mad to even consider having the baby? I hate the idea of being a single mum, but I hate the thought of an abortion even more. The ideal situation for me would be to keep the baby and us to be able to have a happy relationship, but there are no guarantees.

Any advice or empathy is more than welcome.

The problem is OP, your happy relationship would be founded on someone else’s misery.

@daisiesanddaffodils

The problem is OP, your happy relationship would be founded on someone else’s misery.

That’s a little unfair. OP didn’t know he was married and stopped seeing him when she found this out.

It’s a difficult situation OP, but I think you’ve answered it yourself in that you describe an abortion to be worse than the idea of a single parent. Obviously you can’t predict what will happen with this relationship with it being so new. Worst case scenario, he buggers off and you are a single parent. Bast case, you both develop a happy relationship. It’s one of those where you may simply have to take a leap of faith, particularly if the alternative is something you don’t want.
Good luck x

*best

Being a single parent is 100% better than being in a messy relationship with someone who's full of shit (in my experience!). You can go it alone just like so many other women and there'll be highs and lows. Most of my parenting highs have been going it alone.

Just playing the odds, you are about to become a single mother. If you can accept that, you can build a nice life for yourself. It won’t be easy, but at 37 it’s also not a crazy path to choose.

Do these type of relationships ever work?

You made the right decision the first time by not seeing him again and I understand maybe you feel vulnerable and don’t want to be a single parent but sometimes that’s actually the better option.

Wouldn’t you be wondering if he would do the same thing to you? If he is so prepared to walk out on his current wife and daughter....

Most men when caught out that they are married and are effectively having an affair troop out the old "it's an unhappy marriage" "I'm only staying for the kids" "we don't have sex/love each other" lines.

I personally wouldn't continue the pregnancy because of the devastation it would cause his wife and children - i wouldn't want to be tied to this man

I’m in a similar situation. I’m 30 weeks pregnant now from a very casual relationship last summer. I say relationship, we were really just sleeping together sporadically. Neither of us have other kids, but he said he always wanted them and was quite excited and positive. We said we’d see how things went. We tried ‘seeing each other’ I guess, but it was pretty apparent that we weren’t a good match and we’d be forcing it for the sake of the baby so we’ve agreed to be friends instead. It’s hard, and I get upset sometimes because although I always saw myself having kids, I never imagined it being like this. I don’t have feelings for him though, which makes it much easier to have a decent relationship as there isn’t any bitterness or resentment of a breakup on either side. Ultimately you have to do what’s right for you. I would think about things from the perspective of doing it alone, and any support from him being a bonus - could you manage alone financially, emotionally? Just don’t pin your hopes on a happy ending. Hope that doesn’t sound cynical, I just think it’s important to be realistic.

I think it's wise to be protective of yourself and baby and plan out what it'd be like to be a single parent.

He doesn't come across great from your message. I'd also wonder about his change in behaviour as you say he's putting the break on. It sounds suspicious to me as you were obviously quite far along when he started putting the breaks on and saying that it was up to you on whether you keep the baby or not. Most women aren't up for late-term abortions and he likely knows it would be harder now.

He went on dates and slept with you when living at home with his wife and daughter.
Btw they all say it is unhappy marriage, they drifted apart, they don't sleep together anymore... etc (been there myself, and been naive enough to believe it too).

You should prepare to be a single mum. If he actually leaves his wife and get a place for himself then try to get to know each other and see how it goes. But before he moves, i would cut contact and move on with my life if i were you. It will be drama and stress that you don't need....

@swiftt

I’m in a similar situation. I’m 30 weeks pregnant now from a very casual relationship last summer. I say relationship, we were really just sleeping together sporadically. Neither of us have other kids, but he said he always wanted them and was quite excited and positive. We said we’d see how things went. We tried ‘seeing each other’ I guess, but it was pretty apparent that we weren’t a good match and we’d be forcing it for the sake of the baby so we’ve agreed to be friends instead. It’s hard, and I get upset sometimes because although I always saw myself having kids, I never imagined it being like this. I don’t have feelings for him though, which makes it much easier to have a decent relationship as there isn’t any bitterness or resentment of a breakup on either side. Ultimately you have to do what’s right for you. I would think about things from the perspective of doing it alone, and any support from him being a bonus - could you manage alone financially, emotionally? Just don’t pin your hopes on a happy ending. Hope that doesn’t sound cynical, I just think it’s important to be realistic.

Thanks for replying. It does sound like a similar situation. Can I ask what you have planned for practical arrangements once the baby arrives? I can't imagine sending a tiny baby away for 2 nights a week to stay with its dad! Also have you discussed the financial side of things with the dad, and how did that go? It seems so uncomfortable to have these conversations with a guy I hardly know but it takes two to tango, and if I'm keeping the baby he needs to pay his way.