Marriage and pregnancy - i'm really struggling

[Biooilandcarbs]

I'm really struggling in my marriage during this pregnancy. I'm not sure how much I can take.

We are in our early 30's - Been with my OH for 6 years, married for 1.5 and this is baby number 1. Very much planned and wanted.

On the outside we are a great couple. My husband has his own business, I work in a well paid job. We have a lovely home, we've travelled to so many places and have been very fortunate. We have fun, we genuinely like spending our time together.

However, my husband has struggled with jealousy issues since day 1 of our relationship. I have NEVER cheated nor given him any indication that I am interested in anyone else during our whole relationship but sadly his demons have taken over one too many times and resulted in me being called a slt, slg, whre, attention seeker and much more and this is only when alcohol has been involved. It's even once gone as far as a calling me a c*t on mothers day (my mum is no longer around and it's a day I find really difficult) because the night before I was chatting to a male friend whilst waiting for a drink at the bar (the friend who's birthday it was that we were both invited too that my husband knew well).

Just to clarify, he's never laid a finger on me but has verbally abused me which has one or two times resulted in me lashing out and I end up breaking and smashing things because I don't know how to deal with it anymore. Now this only happens after he's been drinking and not every time, let's say 2-3 times a year this happens (and I do know it's 2-3 times too many).

We were married in September 2019 and by the December when we were on a trip away with friends for his birthday, the name calling started again with him calling me a c**t across a dinner table in front of everyone because I said we didn't need to get another bottle of wine as we were about to leave the restaurant and carried on from there - then accusing me of wanting to sleep with one his mates, and a man who worked behind a bar, and so on. when we got back from the trip I was ready to leave him, I don't know why I was stupid enough to think that this behaviour would have stopped after we were married but this time it felt different now we were married and I wasn't going to put up with it anymore, I felt like the vows he said to me were a complete lie - and because of this he was finally ready to get help and I think more so if anything because he acted up in front of people this time, instead of being just in front of me.

Now, i'm not painting the best picture of my husband. Generally he's a great man but he lets himself down with his jealousy issues. I found out he did the same with his ex that drove her to actually cheating on him.

He started seeing a therapist in January last year but due to lockdown it stopped in March and he didn't want to the meetings virtually.

It's been over a year since he has had one of his jealousy episodes which being locked down and me being pregnant for the last 6 months doesn't give him any reason to but I now can't stop thinking about this and what if it happens again. I can't stop living in this past with him.

Since being pregnant my mind set has completely changed and I absolutely have made it clear that I will by no means put up with it one more time - however he swears he has changed and would never do it again but I can't let it go.

Every time my hormones are playing up or I'm feeling down it takes me back to these moments and I keep becoming hysterical about it. I cannot stop crying, I feel so worthless and shocked that i've let this man be in my life doing this to me and I'm living in the fear that I'm going to be a mother and one day he's going to make me feel like this again or even worse, do it in front of our child and I'm going to end up a single parent. He says time and time again he won't ever ever do it and how he hates himself for his behaviour but I just don't trust it.

I've asked him so many times during this pregnancy that I need to reassurance from him that he's changed but now i'm finding that I have to beg him to call me beautiful, or support me when I need it (I'm having a horrible HG pregnancy) - it's become very complacent and I know lockdown hasn't helped it's making me doubt everything. So much I look at him and I wonder if I even find him attractive anymore. I can't shift the feelings.

I don't know if I should leave him, I don't know if I can believe what he says when he promises he'll never treat me bad again. I grew up in a broken home and I will not allow my child(ren) to ever go through the same and I feel like i'm already trying to protect them before it's happened.

I don't know what to do, I feel so emotionally broken. How do I move on from this?

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Your description sounds exactly like my last relationship which was truly toxic and destructive for my mental health.

It turned out my ex had narcissistic personality disorder and once I realised this and accepted that he could never change, I was able to walk away for good.

It was much easier for me as we weren't married or pregnant, but I think you have to ask yourself if this is the life you want for any child of yours? It is highly unlikely your partner will be able to change, and very likely that any problems he has will also be projected onto your child so you really need to think about what is most important to you now. Good luck.

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. You are NOT worthless or at fault though - a hell of a lot of people put up with things they shouldn’t from people they love, it is no reflection on your character or what sort of parent you’ll be or anything else you might be worrying about.

Have you spoken to anyone in real life about this, a friend or parent? It might help to really be honest with someone, though it can be hard for other people to understand what a relationship is really like, and they can tend to want to support the status quo. But I think it’s important for the people close to you to have a fuller picture. A lot of what you’re feeling may be being made worse by the pressure to maintain the perfect facade.

If you break up with your husband and become a single parent, that is not a disaster, and it may very well be the best thing you could have done. It doesn’t follow that you would be a single parent forever, or that your child would suffer - as you know, a mismatched marriage can be a much worse thing for them to live with. If leaving is what you decide to do, I’m sure you would cope with it. Honestly, trying to preserve the fantasy is more stressful than accepting the reality of how things are, and moving forward from there. Do speak up to some people close to you.

So sorry you're going through this OP.

I just want to clear 1 thing up; not laying a finger on you is not relevant. Abuse comes in all forms; verbal, financial, physical, etc. and no form of abuse is acceptable.
You need to think about whether you do want to make this work. It is your choice either way but if you do then he needs to go back to get this support and it's not about whether or not he likes online or not - he either does it or he accepts you don't trust that he's changed (because he hasn't) and you will leave him if this happens again, info before.
You are 100% right that this behaviour absolutely cannot happen in front of a child; this will damage you and your child and never underestimate that damage.
Really I would be seeking the help of a domestic abuse charity that have programmes/ therapy referrals for people who specialise in this; because although it's rare for you; that's what it is.
Perhaps you could call one and speak with them about your concerns and how you and he can access help or if they can suggest a type of therapy/ therapist.
Do you believe, with all the support and therapy that he can change and that you would trust him? You need to ask yourself that.

I cannot personally understand why he ever drinks if that's his behaviour.
I say this as someone who gets over emotional and can have a terrible temper when I drink a lot, out with a group - so guess what? I don't do it. I miss it, I wish I didn't behave like that and I could just have a good time but I can't and it's my responsibility because I don't want to hurt anyone I care about.
It's madness to me that he behaves like this, says he's truly sorry and still drinks. I personally don't see how you can trust his word when his actions will be to get drunk at some point and then use that a the excuse.

If you decide you don't want to be with him - it is OK to be a single mother and better that than staying with a man that speaks to you like that in front of your child. Like PP says; speak with someone close to you, someone who you know wants the best for you but will not judge - talk it out and think it through.

It's a lot to navigate but to be honest your message does read as though you don't trust he can change and you're one foot out the door.

Good luck with it all xx

Honestly I have had a very similar sounding relationship and it erodes your self worth. Even tho you think your doing okay it does affect you. Which is the sad part.

Unless he actually commits to therapy then my guess it will happen again becos he hasn’t actually dealt with his issues. He’s just suppressing them. He seems to have used covid / lockdown as an excuse to stop going to therapy. Not a great sign!

Like I said my ex was the same and I felt I couldn’t walk away. I was stuck in the god awful cycle of low self esteem jealousy and control. In the end I did actually cheat on him and I did it just to walk away from him. I look back I feel like I’ve dodged a bullet but it certainly took its toll on me as a person. One thing I would say is your giving him your power by asking him for compliments etc it comes across as a little needy - don’t get me wrong I have done similar with my husband especially in the throws of the ol’ hormones but especially if he’s not really reciprocating, I wouldn’t go there again. Just take note that he doesn’t appear to be able to give u the reassurance that he constantly needs form you that your not cheating etc.

It’s up to you op but he needs to want to actually change his behaviour. And you need to know that you are strong enough to walk if he crosses the line again.

Would you say your hormones are making you think about everything he’s done and making you resent him? Are you more sensitive due to pregnancy? Or has he actually done it again since he last promised he wouldn’t?

I’d let the baby arrive and see how you both get on, any nonsense then you should walk if that’s what you want x