I found out I was pregnant a week ago and I’ve been having such mixed feelings.
When I found out I was with my partner and I cried for an hour and he didn’t say a word but was freaking out. I told my mum the next day and told her I had been experiencing pain on my right side so she told me to make a an appointment with a doctor which I did.
I got sent straight from the sexual health clinic to the hospital as they suspected an ectopic pregnancy. The hospital gave me a vaginal exam and said it looked safe enough to leave for an ultrasound the next day. I went for the ultrasound and they said I was too early for a stomach one so they did a vaginal scan. They said they could see a small amount of fluid in the womb but took my blood and told me to come back for another blood test in 48 hours to check hcg levels and diagnosed it as a pregnancy of unknown location for the time being.
Fast forward 2 days I did the blood test and was expecting the call in the afternoon and when they did eventually call they said they lost my blood work but after the nurse that called said after consulting with colleagues about my case and looking at the scan and my original blood work they think it’s an very early healthy pregnancy. But I have also seen people say that had healthy hcg levels and then still had an ectopic. They said I was welcome to come in for another scan the following week if I wanted to go through with it. But I feel like I want to book another scan even though I’m not sure what I’m doing yet.
So that’s the back story. Up till this point my boyfriend and sisters and mum think I am still waiting to find out if it’s ectopic or not and I can’t bring myself to tell them that they think it’s not because then the choice is mine again.
Originally when I found out I was sad but also happy because I thought that I wasn’t able to get pregnant (I have suspected endometriosis and possibly PCOS) and my boyfriend is totally against it thinks we are too young (both 23) and that we still have so much living to do. We both still live at home and he has a good amount of money saved and I don’t as I’ve been unemployed for the last year because of covid and have been feeling so sick for the last few weeks I have no idea how I’ll manage working in this condition. I’m stressing about my financial position as I have barely any money saved, no real skills or qualifications and worry about being able to provide for a child long term.
I feel horrible even saying or thinking this but when I found out it could be ectopic I was almost relieved as the choice to have or terminate was taken away from me and I wouldn’t have to hold knowing I had chosen to terminate for the rest of my life.
My older sister has 2 young children. Got pregnant at 16 with her first and was going to terminate and then changed her mind and her life did honestly change for the better and she’s an amazing mum and is being supportive of whatever my choice is but is already talking like I’m going to keep it which is difficult for me and I love my nieces so much and I know I want kids at some point but wanted to be with someone different and in a better place in life.
When I think about myself being a mum I’m so conflicted because all my friends are still at the stage of drinking every weekend and I was too but really starting to get over it and want more from life. However my partner has said to me this would be ruining his life and we haven’t been in a good place for a while, fighting all the time etc. And for the last few months I’ve been thinking we’re not meant to be, we have such different perspectives on life and I know he’s probably not the one for me.
I think about how having this baby would tie me to him forever and I don’t think I want that and I think about watching my friends all go out all summer and not being able to- not that I care that much about drinking but I have no other social group who would understand what I’m going though and the last thing I want is to regret this months down the line.
As I’ve had to wait to to get the scan and set the doctor I’ve had more and more time to think about it which has made me think about myself as a mum and how lovely it could be. I have a great family who would support me through it so I know I could go through with it and be okay.
But the fact that I was relieved when I found out it could be ectopic makes me think is it right? But I know I’m only thinking so short sighted about my friends and partner going out and drinking over summer and I just think if I terminated I wouldn’t even be able to enjoy myself knowing I had done that for something as trivial as being able to have a drink and stay up all night with my friends.
Basically my head and heart and completely tied. Has anyone been in this situation of being young enough to worry but also old enough to know I CAN do it if I want to but I would be doing it without my partners support and knowing that our relationship isn’t in a good place and that we probably Won’t last long term? How do you decide something like this?
I feel so confused and unsure and feel like I need to make a decision soon before it becomes even harder
Amy advice or insights would be really appreciated 