to old to be a mum? Feelings of dread

[crackerjack63]

Hi everyone
Here goes.. I'm 37 & just found out I'm 5 weeks pregnant & i literally just feel full of dread. This is my first pregnancy & I can't say I've felt any other emotion apart from dread & fear. My partner is over the moon but I'm worried we are going to be to old as he is 49 but he is fit & healthy. My other worry is that I don't have any family of friends in the area, my sister lives 2 hours away & I'm not in contact with my mum or dad. I'm not a social butterfly so have struggled to make friends. I just feel like I haven't got anyone to talk to. My other half is great but it's so hard to explain to him how I'm feeling because he is so excited. My head is all over the place. Is it normal to feel like this? I just have so many worries, will people think I'm to old? Will people judge me at work when I tell them? Is it fair to bring a child into the world these days? I'm so sorry for the long post.... I'm just all over the place. 😢

Were you trying to get pregnant?

Do you want to be a mother?

Never mind what anyone else thinks - what do you want?

37 is a pretty average age now to have children - even a first child. I'm 37 and had twins a few weeks ago. Plenty of people I know sir have their first child until this age or older

Age wise yes your partner is a bit older and it's not ideal but I'm guessing he was one of these Peter Pan men that was never going to grow up until they realised they were in their early 40s? (Not being harsh because I'm married to one! 🤣)

I was 36 with my first and 39 with my second (turned 40 shortly after giving birth), so you'll be fine.
There's pluses and minuses with being younger and being older, but honestly, you're in good company. There's plenty of us out there!

37 is not too old to have your first baby!! Women have kids well into their forties and men can have children up to their sixties. Wouldn't worry at all. Enjoy it! Congrats.

Totally normal to feel this way, try to keep calm.
It's a huge change in anyone's life. Keep talking to us, someone is always here.

I think everyone gets a sense of “shit! What have I done?!?” when we first find out we are pregnant - even those who have been trying for years.

You are older but I don’t think you are in any way extreme. At my NCT class with my first the ages of mums was:-

29, 30, 30, 30, 34, 37, 38 & 42.

The age of the dads was:-

30, 32, 33, 34, 38, 39, 44, 54.

And then most of us went on to have another baby a few years later.

Definitely not too old. I was 38 and have lots of friends who had babies in their late 30's early 40's.

I was the youngest in my NCT group at 39. I don’t think I’m old 🤷‍♀️

Congratulations!!!!

I think if you aren't expecting it, finding out you are pregnant is terrifying no matter your age. I was shaking like a leaf when I had my first positive test.

I just wanted to let you know that I had older parents. They tried for 10 years and only when they gave up did I come along. My mum was 38 and my dad 48 when I was born. They then had my two brothers so they were 42 and 52 by the time they were finished.

I think the massive life experiences they had before us was part and parcel of what made them great parents. Other than my mums slightly outdated fashion sense, it never bothered me that they were older than everyone elses parents. I only had one grandparent who died when I was 5 (a combination of them having children late but also their parents dying quite young). Even that has never bothered me. Kids don't miss what they've never had!

Don't worry about people judging... one I don't think its likely as many many women have children later now... but also because people will judge no matter what. Too young, too old, works too much, doesn't work enough, house too clean, house too dirty! Many people they feel the need to justify their own life choices by disparaging those who choae differently. Ignore them. Those people are knobs!

What about your partners family, are they nearby? I actually rely far more on my MIL than anyone else. She is fab. But with 3 brothers, my mum, a SIL and gazillions of my husbands aunties, cousins and grandparents, it is really only her that we have support from (she is wonderful).

Friends, you don't need gazillions. One or two that you can have a rant too... and if you dont have them now you will meet lots of new mums through baby activities etc. That is not to say they'll all be your soul mate, but again you only need one or two!

The only thing you need to ask yourself is can you love this baby!! Babys need a few basics (never as much as people seem to think) and lots of love! The rest comes from there!!!

I can't speak from experience but wanted to share my thoughts.
I am 30 and definitely don't think you're old. I wanted to wait until my 30s (no kids yet) to bring a child up at a time we will be more financially comfortable, and to have lived just the 2 of us doing what we want first.
As for your OH, plenty of celeb dad's doing it much later, in their 60s even. I lost my dad quite early on (early 60s) despite my parents being an average age when they had me, so having them young doesn't necessarily mean the parents are around longer anyway. I think people feel guilty having them late because of this, and they really shouldn't.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! You are not too old, you're 37, not 47.

As you have no local family or friend support, is it possible for you and your husband to hire a sort of nanny/mother's help/housekeeper part time during the day? To give you a hand with your baby, cleaning, maybe a bit of shopping, etc. It would make such a difference and take a load off your shoulders. Everyone needs a helping hand sometimes.

Look after yourself and try to relax. I presume you are working at the moment, your colleagues will be excited for you, it's always lovely when someone at work has a baby.

All the very best.

I hope 37 is not old, I'll be 37 when this one is due lol (our 6th though). I have noticed that my age us now a "factor" of concern now with the consultants, they said I was still young when we had our last at 30. Age is only a problem if you let it be anyway, people will often say it's unfair on kids to have older parents as you're somehow destined to die when they are young. There are no guarantees of living until your kids have kids no matter how young you have them.

Everyone gets that initial oh f*ck feeling, if you don't suffer too badly in the 1st trimester it should subside pretty quickly though.

Don't worry about having less support. My husband is military, his family are shit and I rarely ask my family for help. I'm not a social butterfly either, I hated the mum & baby clubs as it felt a bit alien to me. You just stick to doing what is comfortable for you, you don't need friends to get by.

37 is only considered old by the NHS as far as I can tell, I have friends who have had children well into their 40's. Baby groups can be a good way to get out and meet people, if that's what worries you.
The question is though do you want a baby? If so it's time to start enjoying it! xxx

37 isn't old. I'd recommend joining an a rental group. That is how I made mum friends and even though the kids are nearing 3, we see them frequently (less frequently during lockdown obviously).

That should have read "antenatal" group. Not a rental group!

Congratulations! When the baby is here go to some mum groups and do NCT if you can. That will help expand your social circle.

Really hope 37 isn't too old - I just turned 40 and expecting our first in September. It took us 5 years, 5 rounds of failed IVF and finally one successful round of IVF using donor eggs. Even after all that, I'm still terrified now that I am pregnant! Which I guess must mean that those feelings are normal whether the pregnancy is planned, unplanned, assisted, unassisted, being younger or older!

I'll be 37 in a few weeks, am 5 weeks today and feeling pretty shellshocked, even though it's a planned baby! I think your feelings are totally understandable.

I am going to try some prenatal Pilates groups to try and meet other slightly older anxious mums as I found baby groups in my area tend to attract younger mums and those who already know each other (This is DC2 for me). NCT is also a good suggestion although my particular local NCT is weird so I will be avoiding this time round!

Hi
Thank you all for your amazing comments and support. No the pregnancy wasn't planned, complete accident hence the shock. As for the question about wanting to be a mum, I struggle to answer that at the moment. I never wanted children due to my own personal upbringing & enjoying my own company & space. I basically raised my younger brothers and sisters so I enjoy having no responsibilities now . That's what worries me the most, having someone who is completely dependent on me for the rest of my life. I just can't imagine having a baby and that's what is really scaring me. 😢 i don't know if this is pure panic or me trying to convince myself that I can't do this. I'm so sorry that this is such a negative post. I just don't have anyone to talk to

You can talk to us! You have your reasons for feeling conflicted as well as all the mad hormones messing with your mind.

If it helps I wasn't ever keen on having a child. If someone had offered me a hysterectomy for heavy periods in my late twenties I'd have bitten their hand off. I don't regret having DS though, he's brought much love and happiness.

I also never thought I wanted children and also got pregnant at 37. She is now 11 and has been the best thing that ever happened to me. I loved being a mum to a baby and to a toddler and basically everything up to now when it’s challenging! I can’t actually imagine my life without her. And many of her school friends parents are the same age or older than me...

Hi OP,

I'm 37 as well and currently 13weeks pregnant with my first, and I have also been panicking about being too old, and whether I am doing the right thing choosing to bring a child into the world at this point.

Pregnancy was planned, but was a massive 180 as previously never planned on having children.

I am genuinely terrified that I will not be able to adjust from having ultimately a very self-centric life where I could do whatever I wanted to, to putting someone else ahead of everything. I am hoping that this is a normal feeling that mothers go through, and shows that we are realistic of the job at hand.

Not going to lie, the last 8 weeks or so have been tough, I have felt tired and sick all the time, and for the first time in my life I have felt 'old'. Everyone assures me that I will be fine when the baby is here, and that many many women have children at our age.

I have just started to tell a few people including my boss at work who was genuinely very happy and excited for me. The mid wife was great and made nothing of my age at all. Please don't worry about other people's reactions - those worth caring about will only want to see you happy.

I guess I am trying to say, I can really relate to everything you say, and I have spent the first trimester plagued by all the negative thoughts and worries, but tomorrow is my '12 week' scan and I am finally allowing myself to be excited. I am starting to think of all of the positives ahead, and less on whether I will ever sleep again.

For now i'm putting my faith in my body to know what to do, and the possibility of childcare when I need a break.

sending you hugs and support.

@GeorgiePorge

Hi OP,

I'm 37 as well and currently 13weeks pregnant with my first, and I have also been panicking about being too old, and whether I am doing the right thing choosing to bring a child into the world at this point.

Pregnancy was planned, but was a massive 180 as previously never planned on having children.

I am genuinely terrified that I will not be able to adjust from having ultimately a very self-centric life where I could do whatever I wanted to, to putting someone else ahead of everything. I am hoping that this is a normal feeling that mothers go through, and shows that we are realistic of the job at hand.

Not going to lie, the last 8 weeks or so have been tough, I have felt tired and sick all the time, and for the first time in my life I have felt 'old'. Everyone assures me that I will be fine when the baby is here, and that many many women have children at our age.

I have just started to tell a few people including my boss at work who was genuinely very happy and excited for me. The mid wife was great and made nothing of my age at all. Please don't worry about other people's reactions - those worth caring about will only want to see you happy.

I guess I am trying to say, I can really relate to everything you say, and I have spent the first trimester plagued by all the negative thoughts and worries, but tomorrow is my '12 week' scan and I am finally allowing myself to be excited. I am starting to think of all of the positives ahead, and less on whether I will ever sleep again.

For now i'm putting my faith in my body to know what to do, and the possibility of childcare when I need a break.

sending you hugs and support.

Thank you all so much for the support & reassurance you have given me. It's just helped me so much knowing I'm not the only person feeling this way & helped me to understand it's normal to feel how I'm feeling. I think the fact that I'm feeling sick & tired isn't helping with my mood or hormones. I'm not going to do anything drastic, I'm just going to give myself time to adjust to the idea that I'm going to be a mum. (Even that feels weird saying the word mum!) I honestly can't explain how truly grateful I am for everyone being so open & honest. Thank you ❤️