Test positive then two negatives - feel like it's not meant to be...

[GM2202]

Hello

Apologies in advance for a long post. I feel so lost today and I could really do with some impartial advice...

I just turned 38 and I have a beautiful 6 year old who is the joy of my life. The conception and pregnancy with him were super easy.

In 2019, we decided to have a second child - I was not too sure but my husband was very keen and I wanted to give him a family and to my son a sibling, plus of course I was also hoping myself to have another child, although perhaps at the time I didn't feel the urgency to.

We got pregnant after 5 months, and I had a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks - we found out during the scan. It was altogether a very traumatic experience: I had severe nausea the whole 3 months and through the miscarriage, all the way to the surgery I had one week after the scan. I swore off getting pregnant again. I had therapy for the anxiety and the trauma. And then then pandemic happened.

In January, we decided we were ready to give it another, final chance. I felt very worried (about my age, about my previous experience, about potentially having to have surgery for another missed miscarriage during a pandemic) but we overall felt this was what we both wanted. I suffer from PCOS so my cycle is not very regular, but this month it was later than usual so on Saturday I took a Clearblue digital test and it said 'Pregnant'. I was anxious - but also happy. I had very mixed feeling due to the pandemic and to my previous experience but I was also trying to be optimistic.

Last night I took another test, a Clearblue 'dating' test - and it was negative. I took another, basic Clearblue test this morning - negative again.

Now I'm left feeling confused and worried and broken-hearted. It feels cruel to get a false positive given how rare it is - but then, there is not much point in asking 'why me'. I am very, very aware that so many women have far worse, tougher journeys to becoming mums. I know I'm lucky to have a son already. But today I just feel angry, and confused about the false positive test (wondering if it was a chemical pregnancy or just a fluke) and really not sure about what I want to do next.

I feel that thinking about this has dominated my life over the last 2 years and I'm just so fed up with it.

Maybe this is just not meant to be?

Very common sadly! I am same age as you and ttc #1. In the last 10 months I have had 3 chemical pregnancies (like yours) and one miscarriage. It sucks! I can only sympathise. There is an art to staying sane in this journey. I am taking about 50 different supplements boost egg quality though, you could look into that?

Thank you @Sparrowfeeder and sorry to hear about your struggles. I’ve been on Inofolic for over a year to help manage my PCOS (regardless of conception or not) but I guess I could talk with an obgyn about something else...

But then when these things happen it makes me wonder if I want this enough to risk more heartbreak.

I’m sorry OP, it does sound like a chemical as false positives are really rare. Having said that, have you tried with an FRER? Clearblue digitals are very hit and miss with some women saying they got a negative even when they were definitely pregnant.

Thank you @Oodilallygolly. I have bought some First Response ones now but tbh I am not hopeful - I doubt all the negative ones would be wrong... if nothing else, I am thankful this didn’t progress to the point where I would need to have surgery again. But still, it takes its toll...