Help me please

[Sadmummy87]

Hi I have 3 gorgeous boys, ages 8 and 9 and 11 months, my eldest boys father is a waste of space, he sees them once a fortnight he drinks too much, years later I met a man and surprisingly along came my youngest baby boy. The whole pregnancy was awful, he was fine and growing well but I was dying inside. I was being emotionally, mentally and physically abused by his father, his excuse was he never believed our son was his, I got the police out one night which social got involved and after seeing his criminal history they came down on him like a ton of bricks. It wasn't easy for me and my eldest boys, and when it came to giving birth they tried to take them all off me for not understanding domestic violence and the fathers unpredictablity. I won in court and went home with my boys. The father had to go contact centres, he was great with our son as I knew he would be. But he nevr changed the way he was with me, paranoid, living in the past, accusing, questioning, not knowing me at all. I forgave him for so so much. Things would be OK for a while improving with social being able to spend time together and he just after a year and a half, just shows me he's not changed. He's loses the plot too quick and never listens or talks. Everything is my fault, we had the odd good times n stupidly alot of sex. I am currently pregnant with my 4th, to him. Our son is barely one years old, I've brought my boys up alone since they was 3 and 4, and my last year with my baby boy has been perfect my eldest help out and love him to bits, and he's been the most chilled out boy. I'm scared I'm pregnant, I've nobody to talk to, I said I'd nevr have an abortion, he is controlling over our son, now he has more freedom with him. Can I put another jer child though that, I've had the worst year of my life having that man involved with me, I've cried more these last 2 years than I have in my life. Yet you ask him, this is all my fault. He really does see he's done no wrong. I could literally write a book on all the shit he's done to me. Can I really abort my babies brother, will he ever ever change, I am so fed up and absolutely gutted. I really want more children, at least one more. I always said I'd stop at 4, it will kill me if I regret it, or never go on to have more. I feel I want that with me right, when I'm happy and loved, not with him making my life hell. Who will want me single mum to 4 kids. 2 of which I forgot to mention are little shits and make my life hell most days. I must say how living and kind, but by God they can push my buttons. I really am feeling like the worse mum, person, and feeling so tired of the same bull shit from the ex. Will I regret and abortion. I feel awful even considering it.

What a mess. You are making bad decisions and that's because you are putting your own feelings first in front of the health and well-being of your children. Your children might be difficult to manage but that's a product of the environment they have grown up in and parenting. This man sounds incredibly abusive, yet you stay and have even more children with him. He can't possibly be a good father, because he treats you appallingly and like you puts his own feelings first when making decisions. It was so bad that social services wanted to remove your children from your care. You may have won the court battle but your kids ultimately lost. And they lost because they are being brought up in a volatile, potentially dangerous situation, which is already impacting their behaviour. And a mother who not only chooses to stay but blames them for her poor parenting choices!!!

It's not too late you can break this cycle of abuse and you can step up and be the mom to your children they deserve.

You need to leave, you need to gain all the support and help the doctors, social services and the courts provide you with and start again.

You maybe reading this and feeling that I have made a lot of judgement against you, but I was once in your position I had a baby with a very violent aggressive man. I left when she was three months old and fought like a wild cat for her through the courts to ensure what had happened to your children wouldn't happen to mine. It nearly finished me off but I did it for my daughter. Our lives have improved unrecognisably. You need to start that ball rolling.

OK, OP. Lots to unpack here.

First: The fate of pregnancy number 4. No one can tell you if you'd regret aborting, but it sounds to me like there's a significant risk that you would. This might be a situation where your head has to rule your heart though, and I suggest making a pros and cons list.

Secondly: your existing boys are a handful. This is unsurprising- it must take a lot of energy to parent three kids solo and they'll be acting out for all sorts of reasons, including instability at home. All behaviour is communication. I'd read, 'How to talk so kids will listen' and use the techniques in there to help you get a handle on their behaviour.

Thirdly: Will your ex change? No. Will anyone want you as a single mum of four? Doesn't matter. You owe it to your kids to focus on them and solely them for a few years now- put all thoughts of romantic relationships out of your head and seriously consider a long term contraception just in case.

How old are you op?

I'm sorry you're going through this. In your position i would abort and concentrate on the boys you have.

I know it can be lonely but i think you need to be on your own, at least for a few years. Pour your energy into parenting your kids and carving a good job/career for yourself in the future.

I think only you can answer the question about aborting. If you feel like you might regret it and you aren't 100% sure then I'd take the time to have a good think about it. Your ex will never change. You need to put your kids first. Ultimately you are already raising the boys on your own and they will do much better with that waste of space out of their lives.

So you experience an abusive partner who happens to also be a shit dad and a year later you move on to having another child another abusive man who puts you through hell during and after pregnancy, as per you words, I was being emotionally, mentally and physically abused by his father
You even need to fight in court to prove your kids are safe with you.
And you reaction to this is having "a lot of sex" with this same man and becoming pregnant because you always wanted 4 kids?

It sounds like you need someone in real life to help you. You aren't making the right decision for yourself and your family. You blame your exes but a big part of this is what you choose to do. You are putting your own wishes and feelings first. Your children will suffer from this, it is very unfair to them.

Who will want you as a single mum of 4?
Your kids perhaps? Not only they want you but they NEED you.
Do your best to give them a stable and loving environment. They have probably been through a lot and witnessed far too much already for their young age.

Op given what's gone on, are you meant to be seeing him without the child / him coming to the house / sleeping over / whatever it is you're doing to have regular sex with him?

You really need something like the freedom programme to break this cycle and finally put your boys welfare first.

Of course they're hard work - their Dad is an alcoholic who barely sees them, their brothers Dad is abusive to their Mom but she keeps taking him back, it doesn't sound like you're coping and managing their upset and fear and emotions we'll because you can't handle your own.

No one can make the abortion decision for you but please, let this be the tipping point when you put those kids before this man.

You've had a very rough time. I feel for you and for the situation you're now in.

But if you don't step up and make sure your boys know they're the most important people in the world, then who will?

If you have another baby who is destined to have the same troubled upbringing as their elder brothers, then you are putting them at risk.

Do you or the boys have a social worker? Do you speak regularly with a health visitor? Do you have anyone you trust to be honest with you while supporting you?

Does the baby's father know you are pregnant?