Struggling with body image

[Whuut]

Hi,

I almost dont want to post this as I think it's kind of stupid but I havent told anyone irl about this pregnancy yet so have no one to talk to.

I've struggled with bulimia on and off since I was about 13- I'm 25 now. I'm 4+3 weeks pregnant with my second and I'm struggling so much with how I look. My BMI is 24 so I'm not overweight but my tummy especially is bigger than I would like- just feels a bit chubby. I feel starting the pregnancy like this is going to make it so hard for me to enjoy it. I'm constantly worrying about what I eat and even though I do eat plenty, probably too much sometimes, I find myself constantly hating on myself for it. I'm still breastfeeding DS and work a very physical job so I know it's important I get enough.

When pregnant with my first I didnt show very quickly and until the end when I put on a lot of weight (water retention I think) I was relatively small. I'd also been suffering badly with bulimia until I found out I was pregnant so had lost weight before anyway. I also lost the weight super wick which I'm worried wont happen this time. I know I shouldnt even really care, I wish I didnt. I dont want to feel like this.

Sorry I'm just rambling now, I just want to enjoy this pregnancy and not be worrying about what I eat and if I'm getting too fat.

Anyone else been pregnant with previous or current disorderd eating?

I struggled with body image in my teens, although now in my early 30's I rarely consider it. However, when rapid changes happen it's so easy for those thoughts to slip back in! I'm nearly 40 weeks with a huge bump, and although I've refused to weigh myself throughout and don't THINK I've gained anything but baby, I do still have wobbly moments of checking myself in the mirror. I have to give myself a really stern talking to because for a moment I'm a 17 year old girl again. Annoys me, as I'm so proud of what my body is doing so why am I actively looking for this stuff?!

What's helped me is focusing on really healthy foods (once the sickness passed anyway, then it was just what stayed down) but made nicely. Big plates of veg so I'd be full and satisfied, good for me and the baby - fuel and life giving nutrition. Lots of nice baths and lovely skin cream. Nice lounge wear. DH took some lovely maternity photos, and some nude sketches which I love.

Basically, I just tried to really turn every self depreciating thought into a positive one. Bodies change in pregnancy, I probably won't ever look exactly the same, but this is a different season of life.

I don't know if any of this helps - I appreciate we're all different and don't want to sound preachy. It helped me but I know all too well how different each disordered thought can be for each person!

@FolkyFoxFace Thanks for replying, definitely not sounding preachy.

It's just helpful to know I'm not mad for feeling like this. I eat super healthy food and try to fill up on fruit and veggies rather than rubbish. DP is constantly saying to give myself a break because I'm pregnant but I guess because at the moment I just feel grouchy and bloated, its hard to remind myself I actually am pregnant!

Good point about turning self depreciating thoughts into positive ones- will definitely give this a try. Also I love a bath and they do really help, even if only to relax me. Last pregnancy I spent every moment I could in there. Our water bill went up so much 😂

[quote Whuut]@FolkyFoxFace Thanks for replying, definitely not sounding preachy.

It's just helpful to know I'm not mad for feeling like this. I eat super healthy food and try to fill up on fruit and veggies rather than rubbish. DP is constantly saying to give myself a break because I'm pregnant but I guess because at the moment I just feel grouchy and bloated, its hard to remind myself I actually am pregnant!

Good point about turning self depreciating thoughts into positive ones- will definitely give this a try. Also I love a bath and they do really help, even if only to relax me. Last pregnancy I spent every moment I could in there. Our water bill went up so much 😂[/quote]
The early stages are the hardest, because it doesn't look like you're pregnant - you know you are but it's not the same as being able to rub your bump and know everyone gets it! I was so bloated in the first trimester. I just bought some nice smock dresses and had a hair cut - I'd had waist length hair and had it chopped to shoulder length. The dramatic change made me focus on that rather than my bloaty belly!

Definitely make sure you're giving yourself permission for some nice treats, too. You deserve them! Maybe choose a pamper day once a week with some fake wine, posh chocolate, and a fancy bath? Then you've got something to look forward to when you feel crap, plus you'll associate the treats with self care rather than beating yourself up.

Baths are the best. Our boiler broke in my first trimester and I had DH filling the bath with kettles.

Eating disorders may hit hard and I totally feel where you are coming from. I absolutely love the advice FolkyFoxFace gave here, focusing on nicely done but healthy foods and small treats for yourself are important. Having body image issues sucks, I had eating disorder since I was about 14 and it started to get better at my early 20s when I fell in love with photography and enjoyed being photographed. That actually may help you a lot, too. A photo shoot with a good photographer helps to understand that you look different every time and it's much easier to accept your own body when you see it in the professionaly done pictures. It doesn't have to cost a fortune, you can work with an amateur photographer ot a friend who knows how to use the camera and then ask them to edit the pictures in some Photoworks if necessary, but it certainly will boost your confidence once you see the result.
Dramatic changes in your look can help as well, once you change something, it will fill like you are entering a whole new era in your life and it's going to be much easier from the psuchological point of view.

I think you've had some really good advice so far. I personally do not have this experience but I did struggle with my body image in early pregnancy too, so you absolutely have my sympathy - I hope you can find good strategies to help you cope throughout this pregnancy.
I just wanted to add for you to mention this to the midwife at your booking in appointment as they will be able to refer you for extra help too.

Thank you both. Taking some photos sounds like a good idea although, I'm already worried I would find ways to hate them. I will definitely mention it to my midwife, I think talking to someone I dont know would really help- hence my post here.

Once I get a 'proper bump' I think I will feel a little better too. This is the worst part as I just feel chubby and emotional and want to eat everything 😂

Thanks for all the comments.