Pushy parents

[asdfghjkl13]

First off my parents are amazing, I just wanted to make that clear.
However, they are obsessed with trying to make my sister and I 'best mates'.
My sister and I have never got along since we were children. We are complete opposites, she is like something out of TOWIE. Totally self obsessed, really dependant on my parents at 32 emotionally and expects them to drop everything for her at anytime. She doesn't really ever think of anyone but herself.
I am the complete opposite to her, probably quite boring in her eyes. I do most things for my parents and am the person they call when they need help with things like bills, computers, general life stuff that older people struggle with.
The reason I am writing is that I am due a baby next week. I am having a c section and we have told our parents the date but we don't want to tell anyone else. I haven't had a great pregnancy so would prefer to let others know once everything is done.
However my parents are upset that I won't tell my sister. I have not seen my sister for my whole pregnancy since I was 12 weeks pregnancy and have had a total of about 4 texts from her. None of which ever include anything about me having a baby. She has shown zero interest, but I wouldn't expect anything different.
I feel really angry that my parents are pushing this again. It's a losing battle for me. She can do no wrong and whatever I say they make excuses for her. She had 8 years of anorexia as a teen and so they have mollycoddled her since then. Whilst I understand that must be terrible as a parent, she has been well for well over ten years now. But she is still a very anxious person and very immature for 32. (I am 36).

My mum has this dream of us all being best friends, shopping and drinking Prosecco together. This is never going to happen but they just can't accept it. It doesn't matter how many times I say it.
If my sister and I see each other we are civil but don't really have much to talk about. I have tried to explain to my parents that we are not enemies! We are just not close. They just can't get it.

I know that my parents are going to start with putting pressure on me for my sister to visit me and the baby. We are good at following the covid rules so we won't be having loads of meet ups anyway. However I have lots of friends who I would meet up with first than her! But I know this won't go down well with them. I can't be bothered with the pressure anymore, especially with a newborn.

I'm just after some advice on how to handle this. It's like banging my head against a brick wall as they literally never listen. In January I completely lost my temper with my mum as she was moaning at me for something like not seeing my sister around xmas time. I pointed out that she hasn't even contacted me about the baby and has not showed any interest. She still comes up with excuses 'you know what she's like' etc.

I don’t have any advice but I sympathise. I’m not sure there’s something you can say that will magically get your parents to see your POV. I’d continue to be firm with them and say they’re causing you stress by how they’re acting.

Your situation sounds quite similar to mine although in my case my sister moved to another country so I’m lucky not to deal with this anymore.

Tell them now and be firm. Make it absolutely clear that they are not to start on you about seeing your sister after birth.

Long story, DP doesn't speak to his mother, grandmother guilt trips and tries to force a relationship, I told him multiple times to put the boundary in place. He didn't and it was an absolute shit show just after I'd given birth, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Apart from treating you differently (why is it your responsibility to maintain a relationship because that's 'just what she's like?), I kind of feel for your parents.

My mum gets genuinely teary eyed when me and my sister are laughing about something and has told us how happy our relationship makes her. I never understood the urge to see your children be best friends until me and my sister both got pregnant and I realised how much I hope that our children get on. I'm not even sure why.. maybe it's knowing they'll have each other even after I'm gone?

Anyway, as much as I can see why your parents want you to be best friends, your not obligated to be close. When your parents push you to invite her round/tell her about your c section etc be firm. You have made your decision and won't be drawn into further conversation.

Good luck with your C section and new baby .

My sister is 10 years younger than me. Growing up I had visions of us being best friends in the future (like now times) where she would be living her best life young and free and I would be the older sister married with children.

(I am that older sister) but welcome to the mix autism, anxiety, anorexia and depression, (my sis) my sister doesn't want to have a relationship that much with me and does her own thing.
My mum thinks I'm quite overbearing because I text once a week .. I tbh am grieving the loss of the sister I thought I would have and the auntie she would be.
My mother says that's my problem, my expectation which I guess is true.

And your parents expectations are just wishes, obviously you don't owe them their expectations.

But I can see why they would be kinda sad

Thanks for the replies. It genuinely doesn't matter how many times I say it or how firm I am, they never stop going on. They might leave it for a little while but it'll always come back up again.

They genuinely don't think there is anything wrong or a bit weird with her not contacting me about having a baby however if it was the other way round they'd be asking me why I haven't contacted her. I have pointed this out to them but again they make excuses. It's like a never ending battle. It is so frustrating, my husband gets annoyed by it. But I don't want him to get involved as it would make it a bit awkward.

Sorry I feel a bit stupid asking for advice on the matter really as my parents won't listen anyway. I just wondered what people think and if there is anyone else that gets it'

You have to put to them extremely bluntly. Tell them and tell them how it is. This time is about YOU and your baby, not about them and your sister. Get your partner involved, he's there to be on your side!

Me and my DP have argued about what his family did, I spent the first few weeks in tears, not because of my baby but because of what his family did and I wouldn't want that for anyone.

Why don't you want her to know the date?
If she is as detached as you describe it probably won't make any difference? She s not going to call you or try to come is she?
I totally get the whole you and her will not be best friend. You absolutely don't have to be.
But I'd say pick your battles and her knowing the date of the c section is probably ok...
Your parents sound lovely but a little naive, can't blame them...

It wouldn't really make any difference her knowing the date I suppose. But it's more the point that I give in or am overpowered to please my parents. It's my decision to tell I guess was more my point. We've not had a great pregnancy and I just wanted to keep it low key, that was all. My parents just want me to involve my sister in everything and keep us updated of whatever is going On in each other's lives (weird I know). I just wanted this to be private, perhaps I should've known better not to even tell them. But thought they'd at least respect this. I've had more of a conversation about why I won't tell her than about whether I feel ok about the birth of the first grandchild!

That's really hard.

Maybe you need to be blunter even than you have. Tell them that you have nothing against your sister, but you are not close and you cannot force your affection on her. Emphasise that it is reciprocal; you and your sister are behaving exactly the same and neither is being nasty to the other. Neither of you are to blame; it is just life.

Say that this is damaging your relationship with them. Ask them if they want this damage to continue or if they are prepared to change. If they say they are, tell them that they need to completely stop trying to make you and your sister be friends. They need to respect your boundaries when you ask them to keep something secret, without pressuring you. That's the relationship you want with your parents - one of equal respect.

It might also be worth mentioning to them that people change, and it might be that years in the future you find something in common with your sister. But their pressure is making you feel less friendly towards your sister, so they are actively harming that possibility.

The only thing I think might be a bit tricky is if you were to ask them to keep major things from your sister. Such as if you became terminally ill / got divorced / were moving to Australia, etc. It might not be fair to ask that of them. But the exact date of your c-section doesn't fall into this category I don't think!

Continue to be firm and stand by your guns. I have two sisters, I get on very well with the youngest even though we have a 10 year age gap. Unfortunately I don't get on with my other sister. She is 2.5 years younger than me. She was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes as a child so things were very difficult for her initially. She has had it over 15 years now and my mum still mollycoddles her, she relies on my mum more than I think a grown adult should but my dh has helped me to recognise that their relationship is down to them and nothing to do with me. My sister is a great auntie to my kids but couldn't care less about me. Sometimes you just have to accept that just because you are family doesn't mean you will be close and your mum needs to understand that.

I'm glad it's not just me!

Part of the reason I find it hard to close to my sister is because of her behaviour and dependence on my parents. Hasn't really changed since she was a teen. They are nearly 70 and respond to her like a teen.

I understand it upsets them we aren't close but I don't understand the obsession with it.

She won't show my child any interest (unless she takes me by surprise but doubtful). But if I didn't show hers (if she chooses to have them) my parents would say something to me about it.
On the other hand they will not ever say to her about this. I wouldn't ever choose to force someone to show interest in a baby if they didn't want so I'm not going to expect her to be interested

This is a difficult one to me. I can’t see the problem with her knowing the date, unless she’s going to plaster it all over Facebook.

I grew up with a brother who had a mental illness and and it’s only now as a mum I can understand just how terrifying and difficult it must have been for my parents. My parents still mollycoddle him now because it’s their way of trying to remove stress from him life. It sounds like that’s what your parents are doing too. It doesn’t mean it’s not incredibly frustrating at times though!

In your shoes I’d tell her the date and explain to your parents maintaining a relationship works both ways. You’re in the late stage of pregnancy which is stressful enough so don’t need any extra pressure right now. After the baby is born, your sister should reach out to you which you can then respond to.