I really do not know where else to turn, but I can not cope with this hurt anymore 😞.
I met the most wonderful man just over a year ago. He was kind, considerate, supportive, emotionally mature and stable. After many years alone following a very emotionally and physically abusive relationship, I felt like I had found my happily ever after. I am 35 with a full time career as a midwife and 3 older children, 17, 15 and 12. I brought my children up alone due to ex husband being in the forces and we separated (very amicably) when youngest was 2.
Now this new man moved very quickly. He told me I was what he had spent his life looking for and the connection felt very real. The subject of a baby came up to which I was very reluctant due to my job, having older children and the fear of doing it alone ever again. It became a bit of an issue and I foolishly felt very flattered that this wonderful man wanted to have such a beautiful commitment to me. 3 months later, I was pregnant. This man told me he had 2 children. One aged 12 who was taken away from him after a long court case and now lives in America, and one aged 7 who he had to see in contact centres for many years but now has every other weekend. He told me as all he ever wanted was to be a family and watch his child grow every single day and reassured me of all my fears of ever being alone again. He told my family how he was going to marry me and how he adored me. And I felt that from him. We were very happy and excited for our future with our baby. At 20 weeks pregnant, I told him he needed to give up his rented place 2.5 hours away so he can financially contribute to our new home and the baby. This caused problems and he would leave to go back there for a few weeks at a time until I begged him back 😔.
At 28 weeks, I had to work from home due to covid. I went to work to pick up laptops etc and when I returned, he was gone. We had discussed marriage the night before and been very playful before I left for work. The next 2 weeks were spent with him telling me how he wasn't leaving me but needed space. How he loved and missed me and the bump. How he never wanted to lose me. The third week was spent with him ignoring my messages and calls. I would beg him over and over to come home. He insisted he needed space, so I gave him it and stopped reaching out to him. The 4th week, I called to check in. He told me how he didn't love me and never did and how he wanted me to have the baby adopted!! My full world came crashing down. I left him for a few weeks then on xmas day, I text to tell him I missed him and loved him. He replied saying he didn't want anything to do with me and to message him about the baby only. I replied asking what his intentions where regarding the baby, to which he blocked me on all platforms, along with all my family. I was now 33 weeks pregnant and in such a state. I went to bed every night praying I wouldn't wake up. The pain was unexplainable. I had no explanation. No reasons given and I just couldn't understand why he had changed so much. I contacted his ex and found out there was a 3rd child he had but had abandoned when the relationship broke down when the baby was 8 weeks old. He hasn't seen him since and is now 3 years old 😔.
I was terrified of going into labour alone and having a baby alone. But that is exactly what happened 😔.
I had my baby at 39 weeks, a beautiful baby boy that is the double of his daddy. I was heartbroken that his dad missed the birth and wasn't there for the first few days of his little life. I felt so much guilt towards my innocent baby, that he had been born into so much sadness and didn't have a dad or the perfect life we had planned for him.
I contacted the dad via a friends phone. I sent a photo and a video to him, and his mum announcing the arrival. He read the message and then blocked my friend. No reply 😪.
A week later I tried to call him from withheld number, he declined the calls.
I then sent him an email saying how we needed to discuss our baby and how I didn't care what he had done, we just needed to put the baby first. I begged him to answer his phone, he didn't. My mum called his mum after I completely broke down to her, his mum was very rude, didn't care about her grandson and put the phone down.
I contacted the mother of the child he sees, who was so excited about having a baby brother. The ex told me that he had told the child the baby was "gone". That he had told everyone else I had the baby adopted and that he is with someone else now 😪. I didn't think I could feel any worse than the day he left. I was so wrong.
My baby is now 3 weeks old and everyday gets harder and harder to accept that I'm doing this completely alone. That the amazing guy I met, has completely abandoned him. I just can't seem to move on. I try to be strong for my baby and for my children, but I'm completely broken. I spend all day and all night trying to distract myself to no avail. I'm constantly in tears and feel like this hurt is so heavy on my chest that I'm suffocating with it. This was exactly what I feared, and he knew it. How could anyone be so cold and cruel? I so desperately just want to feel ok. I don't care about being happy, just ok will suffice.
I find myself still wishing and hoping that he comes back 😪. I miss the person that left us. Although I do recognise that that person has long gone.
I have been receiving support from perinatal mental health which has been brilliant. But this hurt just won't subside. Its been 14 weeks since he left 😪 and everyday has got harder to cope with.
Please can anyone suggest anything to help me move forward 😪 x