When to tell your child(ren) you're pregnant

[sdw19]

Hi all, what are peoples thoughts on telling children that you're pregnant? I have a 9 year old daughter from a previous relationship. We are incredibly close, I was a single mum until I met my partner when she was 6. She is quite mature and I am very open with her about all different kinds of things and am as honest as possible (factoring in when I decide that certain things are a bit too complex for her to comprehend) and don't like keeping things from her unless there is a very good reason. I'm planning to do a test over the next few days (af due on Thursday but have incredibly sore boobs and had a faint positive on an early detection last Saturday). I have planned to tell her pretty much as soon as I know. I feel like I want her to know before other people because we're so close and she's more 'important' and it's much more meaningful for her life and ours as a family. I've generally felt that the only reason not to tell people you're pregnant is if you wouldn't share with them that you'd had a miscarriage. Of course as a mother I want to protect my daughter from pain, but I also believe that pain and suffering are a part of life and I think it helps you learn to process things 'healthily' if you are shown from a young age that bad things happens and it's okay to feel sad/angry/embarrassed etc and that grief is not 'hidden' as if we can't express ourselves with the ones we love. I think I wouldn't be able to hide my pain from her if I were to miscarry and I think miscarriage is not talked about openly enough etc. But there's a small doubting voice in the back of my head and I'm just curious what other people think. Thanks 😊

20 weeks.

I have a son the same age. I'm not yet pregnant but I plan to tell him after the 12 week scan. Unless I end up with bad sickness or complications then I might tell him sooner.

I’ve got two kids (6 and 3) and am planning to get closer to 20w before we tell them (currently 16w) It’s not so much that I wouldn’t want them to know if something went wrong, but I think it’s a very long way off for them and there’s no point telling them too early.

My SIL told her little one as soon as she knew for very similar reasons and unfortunately she lost the baby. She has said that introducing her child to grief and loss unnecessarily is a huge regret and by far the hardest part of an already traumatic situation.

It's everyone's own choice but just be prepared that the sooner you tell her she is going to be a big sister - the higher the probability of having to tell her that she won't be one because of miscarriage.

Wishing you a health pregnancy x

You make sense OP. I think there are pluses and minuses for different approaches. Whatever you think is right. Personally I’d be tempted to wait until 12 weeks.

I have 3 dd who I’m extremely close to all of them and won’t be telling them until after my 12 week scan and hopefully a good nipt test result.

Even then it won’t be right away, but I’m starting to show already and am already struggling to hide it so that will be my only reason.

I’d hate to have to tell them that I’d lost the baby or had to terminate for medical reasons.

Plus the longer I wait to tell them, the sooner it will be before they get to meet their new brother or sister, and I know as a child time can feel like it drags on forever when you’re excited and looking forward to something.

I lost a baby at 15 weeks last year and am thankful to this day that I did not tell my other DC about my pregnancy. DS1 is 6 and he would have been very upset, it would have been extremely hard to deal with on top of my own devastating grief.
I didn't tell my DC in my next pregnancy until I was 18 weeks, and that was only because DS2 asked if my tummy was fat because there was a baby inside!

Our 5 were told after the dating scan at 13 weeks.

I wouldn't tell them earlier than this due to multiple miscarriages and chemical pregnancies. Yes they need to understand about loss but my experience is that they don't form any attachment to a new baby until much later in the pregnancy or after birth so can not understand the loss. It would be more upsetting for me to involve them in the heartbreak of early miscarriage.

I always Waited until after the 12 week scan

I have had miscarriages at 6, 8 and 12 weeks (twins). All MC's were when I was 35 or younger with no obvious issues.

I avoided telling anyone I was pregnant again until I was over 14 weeks and my NIPT test had come back as low risk. My DD is far to young to understand thankfully but going through a MC and having to relive the pain by having to explain it all to others as I did with my twin pregnancy was heartbreaking.

9 months is also a very long time for any child to have to wait. My mother told me she was pregnant with my sister when I was 9 years old - she was 18 weeks. She told me later that she had a heavy bleed the day after telling me and spent the rest of her pregnancy terrified she would have to tell me she had lost the baby - she didn't and my sister was fine but it was an awful time for my poor mother.

I hope everything goes as well and comfortably as possible.

Our children were the first ones my spouse and I told - I didn't want them worrying when I threw up or otherwise unwell (I was hospitalized with hyperemesis gravidarum in my first pregnancy at 16 weeks and worried about a repeat that thankfully never happened, but I was sick quite a bit). Everyone else I'd wait as long as I could, I didn't like discussing pregnancy, but I felt everyone within our household (which with our 3rd and 4th included lodgers) probably should know what's going on.

I didn't discuss it in a very excited way though as most people I know tell their children, it mainly focused on how it would affect things in the short term - that we may be doing less and I might be ill/sleepy/slower, but "that's just part of pregnancy - it's hard on mummy to try to make a new person", and always with a caveat of 'if everything goes well...' about anything in the future.

We also told our children pretty much right away when a family member they knew got a terminal diagnosis which has happened five times now - this obviously affected their father and I, it changed plans that we wanted them to be part of, and we wanted them to know our change in mood and plans wasn't because of them, but bigger, life situations that made those changes needed. Similarly we'd use, "if everything goes well" about any plans we had.

We told 5yo a week after we found out. Now suffering morning sickness and SO glad I don't have to lie to his face. We've been very open about possibilities of miscarriage etc. It felt right and still does a few weeks in.

Your reasoning for telling her is that she is important, but also that she is mature.
She is a child, her childhood is important, even if she is mature enough to 'handle it' is it fair to make her grow up faster.
Your instinct seems to be that you have doubts about sharing the news with her straight away, which is why you've posted.
Maybe you are worried about her feeling left out/ pushed out by the new baby. Which is a normal part of the sibling process, especially with it being a different dad. There is plenty of time abs opportunity to take the steps and include her and show abs tell her that your love for her is in no way diminished.
Potentially burdening her with this grief and responsibility at her age is probably not the best way to to it. You would have to earn her that the first few months are risky etc, so even if a healthy pregnancy she would have that angst for three months.
I agree that grief and miscarriage aren't discussed enough, but it's about finding the balance.

Thanks so much for all your responses 😊 it's good to get different perspectives. I had discussed it with her a year or so ago (partner and I were discussing ttc at the time and she knew this), and explained about the possibilities of miscarriages and I actually asked her whether she would want to know straight away with the chance that that could happen and she'd be really sad, or whether she would want us to wait and tell her when that was much less likely and she said she'd want to know straight away. Of course children don't understand what that would actually be like and are not really capable of making that kind of decision, but I still wanted to hear her thoughts on it. I am rarely certain of anything (I am a 'see all sides and eventualities' kind of person) so of course I will also have doubts about the best course of action and worry that I'll make the wrong decision. I'm not really worried about her feeling left out, again of course I consider the possibility but really don't think it'll be that way, so that's not influencing my thought process. I also personally don't feel like knowing this kind of thing makes children 'grow up too fast' (though I think I'm in the minority with this thinking) and, as I said, have always been pretty open with her about stuff as I believe that it will help her not harm her. But I appreciate that others will not share this view and that's okay 👍 partner and I are going to properly discuss later, I really am grateful for your experiences and thoughts to consider going forwards x

Don't tell her yet op, apart from the risk of misscarriage it's a bloody long wait for the birth of her sibling 😂

I'd say 20 weeks, 12 at the least.

I could tell my other child that I /could/ be pregnant, that there is a good chance I would give birth within a year but that it was not certain. I would say that a woman can only really tell 4-5 months before the birth, and any earlier is not certain, as the future baby is just a tiny seed and has not turned into a baby yet. I would only tell my kids if I was pretty sure I could teach them it's OK to be disappointed, but there was no reason to grieve an early miscarriage. Children can react very strongly bad news, you should be very careful not to let their imagination run wild when announcing they may have a sibling... So it doesn't become trauma should things go wrong. But you are the one who knows your daughter the best. I hope all is well with your pregnancy.

I was 9 weeks pregnant when I told ds.