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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Telling ex I’m pregnant! Anxiety is through the roof.

22 replies

Kezza911 · 02/03/2021 09:54

My ex and I spilt 2 years ago after 8 years together we also have a 4 year old little girl together. He asked me to leave and I did.
Things were up and down especially after I met my now partner, 4 weeks later, although didn’t tell my ex I had met someone until we had been seeing each other a few months. Me and my new partner met and fell head over heels for each other very quickly. After 8 months we moved into together. And I feel every time something good/big happens for us there’s always an element of dread as that’s when my ex will be horrible to me. Usually using our daughter, saying things like I’m not putting her first. Me my partner and my little girl went to the park for the first time and was accused of playing happy family’s. And it should just be me and my daughter. My partner is happy to distance himself when I have her. My little girl didn’t meet my new partner until 6 months into our relationship. My little girl spends Sunday night till Thursday am with her dad and I have her Thursday pm until Sunday pm. She goes to nursery mom-wed 8-5.
I have high anxiety regarding my ex and know he pulls the strings, every time he knowes what to say to get me to feel like the worst mum.
Anyway moving on, new partner and I have found out we are pregnant, I’m so happy and so is he, but I keep having anxiety regarding telling my ex and my daughter.
Am I selfish moving on so quickly?
Am I not putting my daughters needs first?
How the hell do I tell him I’m pregnant.

OP posts:

3rdtimemomma · 02/03/2021 10:09

You are not selfish!
And you say HE asked YOU to leave so it's not really his concern, only where the daughter is concerned.
This is life, people move on and I think it's lovely for a child to see a parent happy and in love, blended families are a huge thing now and the positives is that your daughter will have a sibling 😊
My ex was the same, exactly like this but probably a tad worse!

I never said anything when he met his new partner as she treats my kids lovely according to them and I'm glad they get to see their dad happy.

Honestly , it will pass with time, your allowed to move on and be happy, your child is allowed to be happy and to see both parents happy without negative input from any side.
Unfortunately it's so common for children to be used as weapons of emotional blackmail and upset but don't let this bring you down, on your side atleast you can do what you can x

justanotherneighinparadise · 02/03/2021 10:16

Congratulations OP. Tell him at the latest time you conceivably can.

ThreeTwoOneBlastOff · 02/03/2021 10:55

How pregnant are you? Is there any reason you need to say anything right now?
He’s trying to control you by causing a fuss and using your DD. Can you not just keep minimal communication? He’s trying to get a rise out of you every time.

Original poster

Kezza911 · 02/03/2021 11:16

I’m currently 7 weeks but have HG which meant I had to go into hospital yesterday for a few hours to be put on a drip.
I don’t plan on telling him till about 12 weeks.
My worry is if I have to go to hospital when my little one is here. Also I have never left my partner alone with my little one, he would never allow that. So would have to arrange childcare if I went back into hospital
I have to call my daughter every night at 5:30 and then he calls me when she’s hear so we speak every day much to my disappointment.

OP posts:

mariebaby3 · 02/03/2021 11:27

My ex is like this, and it's taken me years to get to the point of not caring.

You've been separated for two years now, you aren't moving on too quickly - especially as he asked you to leave. You don't owe him any insight into your personal life. You share a daughter, that's your common interest and that's as far as it goes. I didn't tell my ex I was pregnant, he found out from the kids and that's fine but if he text me about it i'd completely ignore him because it's none of his business.

You're becoming conditioned to worry and feel the way you feel due to his controlling behavior and that's exactly what he wants. I know, i've been there. I had a year of CBT due to the anxiety my ex caused me and the greatest advice my therapist gave me was to not engage with him, don't feel like I owe him anything. We talk about our kids, and beyond that, i don't owe him anything else.

Eventually he will also have to get used to your partner being a step parent in some respect to your daughter and that's not for him to dictate either - your daughter deserves two happy parents, she deserves to see you happy with someone else and a step parent can bring absolute joy and stability into a childs life.

Please don't let him steal your happy time. I get so angry when people like your ex behave like this because it's just so so damaging. congratulations on your pregnancy, things will get better!

ThreeTwoOneBlastOff · 02/03/2021 12:39

Have you looked at the Freedom programme OP? Or the grey rock technique as I think you need to disengage from him. Are you never going to let your partner be alone with your DD because of your ex? Does the phoning everyday come from him?

Isadora2007 · 02/03/2021 12:43

Agree with the others... he doesn’t need to know. And he doesn’t get to dictate to you who looks after your daughter in her own home so don’t even worry about that. It’s her home and your decision.
He doesn’t need to know yet. Perhaps when you tell your daughter and announce to the world then that’s fine for him to find out about then. Via email. And very much FYI only. Who cares what he thinks.

Sexnotgender · 02/03/2021 12:45

Grey rock the arsehole.

God I hate men like this.

Love51 · 02/03/2021 12:47

12 weeks is for people who might support you. I'm not sure you should tell this guy at all, he'll figure it out around the 24week mark.
Definitely don't tell him til after you have told you daughter, you need to be the person to tell her, as you will put a positive slant on it - he may not!

Viviennemary · 02/03/2021 12:49

You've been apart two years now. That's a reasonable amount of time. But I think 4 weeks to meet your new partner would have upset most people. But that's all in the past. He shouldn't be trying to ruin your life and make everything difficult.

Love51 · 02/03/2021 12:50

Your partner, the father of your new baby, is perfectly acceptable childcare for your eldest while you give birth, unless there is something you have missed out. Unless of course you want him with you.
Not your ex's decision who you go to the park with, why do you think it is?

Willow4987 · 02/03/2021 12:50

I agree with PP, you need some therapy to deal with his controlling nature

It sounds like he’s conditioned you to think you need his approval with everything

It’s absolutely nothing to do with him if you leave you’re DD with your new partner or anyone else if you feel comfortable doing so. It’s nothing to do with him ‘allowing it’ - that’s just what he’s made you think

Surely with a new baby coming she will naturally be spending more time with him anyway

Don’t tell him you’re pregnant if you don’t want to. It’s got nothing to do with him at the moment anyway.

harknesswitch · 02/03/2021 12:56

I agree, see someone to talk this through with and they will be able to help you navigate your contact with your ex and also how to deal with him.

I'd also start increasing the time your dp spends with your dd, he will need to be more involved with her when the little one arrives and it's also better for your dd too. As for your ex saying you can't go out as a family, just ignore him. Read up on the grey rock technique and start to put this in place.

Heyahun · 02/03/2021 12:58

It’s none of your exes business who does childcare while daughter is in to care! So if you want to leave daughter with your new partner that’s fine!

You also don’t need to tell him your pregnant at all tbh! He will figure it out eventually.

Stop speaking to him daily - when he calls just put daughter on the phone - tell him to text or email if he has anything important to discuss with you.

mariebaby3 · 02/03/2021 13:11

They grey rock technique is what i was taught - i didn't know it had a name though! It really does work for people like this OP and it gives you control back.

Sometimes i get riled up and upset by the words that ex spouts (even now) but i bite my fists, send a controlled reply i.e. yes/no and ignore any form of abuse completely. People like this get off on reactions, stop giving it to them and they do get bored.

YoBeaches · 02/03/2021 13:26

I think I would also look at moving current child arrangement to one full week rotation rather than through the week. It will reduce contact between you and ex and set a clearer routine for dd with new baby etc. Her care is your responsibility when she's in your care so it's up to you who looks after her as long as you assure safeguarding and vice versa. You don't need his permission.

chillied · 02/03/2021 17:58

I think your daughter and your ex need to know.

Next Thursday, tell your daughter, so she hears it first and from you.

Then text or email ex that you are expecting a baby and that you've told DD.

Beyond that yes you might have to step up the assertiveness and point out what you do is none of his business, including that DD can be looked after by your partner.

Original poster

Kezza911 · 02/03/2021 18:17

Wow thank you for all the responses they all all saying very similar things which has been good to get other peoples opinion.
I’m so scared of being a bad mum and my little girl not being happy. I had a bad childhood which I’m not getting into but think it’s why I give him so much control. I don’t want to lose my little girl. Which he has never ever said but I for some reason I’m terrified of this.

I definitely don’t have any issues leaving my daughter with my partner in other than my ex not allowing it, if I thought there was an issue we wouldn’t be having a child with him. I’m just again scared he stops her coming to our home.

OP posts:

Willow4987 · 02/03/2021 19:33

Op you write like he has custody?

He can’t stop her coming to you if you have a 50:50 custody agreement

Again, he can’t not allow your DP to spend time with her just as you can’t stop any of his partners spending time with her when she’s there - surely you can see this?

mariebaby3 · 02/03/2021 20:23

Honestly any decent solicitor or judge would laugh at him if he tried to stop your daughter coming to you because your partner, who you’ve been with for 2 years, has provided childcare. It’s not reasonable. Sometimes I would find it helped to get an hours free advice from a solicitor to help me feel confident when arguing these points with my ex, it also gave me the confidence to say ‘go on then’ when he threatened me with court etc.

harknesswitch · 02/03/2021 20:30

Your ex can't 'not allow it' whilst she's in your care. You can leave her with who you want as long as she's safe.

He'd get laughed out of court of he tried to insist on it

WithLoveFromMyselfToYourself · 02/03/2021 20:35

Is there a reason why your access is split 4 nights to 3 in his favour? Is this your choice?
He doesn’t have the power you think he does.
I have a very aggressive, persistent ex and I still get the dread nearly 20 years after we split. You have my sympathy.
One thing I can tell you that might help, and that is that no matter how much you bend and propitiate to appease them, you never build any credit, so you might as well just do what suits you best, - as long as it is in your child’s interest too of course.
Congratulations on your new baby!

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