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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Anyone else pregnant without their mum?

18 replies

MeltingSnowflake · 26/02/2021 09:21

My mum died a few months ago and I’m now 5 weeks pregnant with my first baby. She so so so wanted a grandchild and I feel so sad and a bit guilty that she won’t get to meet him or her.

Selfishly, I’m also scared of not having her here when the baby arrives - I know she would have moved in with us for a while to help us get settled. All I hear from my friends with children is how totally rubbish the baby years are and I’m honestly worry how we’re going to cope.

Is anyone else pregnant without their mum and fancy a hand hold?

OP posts:

Catlady21 · 26/02/2021 09:40

I am. My mum passed when my other children were 3 and 1 so she did meet them but here not being here is a huge loss in their lives. I'm 34wks with my third and it's so poignant doing this without her, or my dad who has also recently passed.

Mishmased · 26/02/2021 09:48

Sorry to hear about your mum @MeltingSnowflake. My mum is alive but due to family issues have never met my kids aged 8 and 5. The woman I considered my to be mum died when I was a teenager so in a way it felt like my mother died. You will be fine, when you have a child, your instincts become so great that you have this strength from within. I'm 26 weeks pregnant with my third now and will be doing it all over again I'm an only child, no close cousins or relatives and DH's mum lives miles away. I'm sure she's watching over you. Congrats on the baby and best of luck.x

AKM89 · 26/02/2021 10:21

Hi all - sorry to hear you are all going through this too. I lost my mum when I was little, and I've found pregnancy brings everything up again. Also a bit selfish, but I find myself being really jealous of pregnant friends who can call their mum for reassurance and help (I have found pregnancy very anxiety-inducing).

Thinking of you all.

SquigglyOne · 26/02/2021 10:41

Not pregnant now but my mum passed away when I was 20 - am now 30 with a 1 year old so understand how tough it can be 😢 but you will be fine.

SquigglyOne · 26/02/2021 10:43

Sorry posted too soon!
I know it’s not the same but it’s important to seek support from others - my in laws have been amazing.
The love you feel for your child is honestly amazing and you just find the strength from somewhere

Kat1990x · 26/02/2021 11:00

Hey . Im in similar position. My mum abandoned me when i was 3. And i dont have much fam or friends so i do feel like im going through my 1st pregnancy alone which is difficult

Pregnantmama06 · 26/02/2021 11:11

Hi, sorry to hear you're all in the same situation. Like a PP, i found pregnancy brings everything up again and when I felt so overwhelmed after DD was born I developed anxiety. I'm sure if I had just been able to pick up the phone to my mum my experience would have been a lot easier.
But we got through it, and I feel all the more proud of myself, and you will too.
My husband also lost his mum and we do have moments of sadness for my DD not having a grandma, especially knowing how much they would have both adored and doted on her. It sucks.

Pbbananabagel · 26/02/2021 11:17

Yep, pregnant with 2nd now, Mum died 2 months after 1st was born and was too ill to be with me at the birth (lived 200+ miles away).
It’s hard, and harder to have to process all the mixed emotions and grief of loss at the same time as the joy of the new life.
You’ll have good days and awful days. And I can’t say there’s any less emotion now two years on, but it has gotten easier to live with.
Both hands holding here xx

Edelweiss2020 · 26/02/2021 12:56

My mum passed away a year ago and this would have been her first grandchild. I'm 25 and 25 weeks pregnant. She adored babies and would have been that annoying kind of overbearing (in an excited loving way) mum who would have kept me wrapped in cotton wool all pregnancy!

I am struggling with the thought of doing it all without her, it utterly sucks, she would be so happy and was so knowledgeable about all things baby.

I'm under the care of the MH midwife and consultant and they are being very supportive. They are also putting me in contact with a mum to be in a similar situation which is hopefully going to be helpful for both of us. When you have your booking appointment try to see what's available in your area :)

Moominmiss · 26/02/2021 13:40

Yes me 😔
I’m so sorry for others also in the same position.
I lost my mum 3 years ago. She got to meet my 3dc but never got to see me meet my current partner and how happy we are, and obviously now expecting and I feel extremely alone without her. She was amazing throughout my pregnancies and such a support to me. My children all adored her and I feel so sad that she won’t get to meet this one, and that they won’t get to meet her.

Verrucapepper · 26/02/2021 13:49

Sending love and support to you all.
Me too. Mum died 5 years ago and was amazing with DS who is now 9. Am 20 wks with a DD, the first girl in family since me and I wish so bad my mum was about. In laws aren’t really interested and my dad remarried and moved away.
Have even thought of putting out an advert for a surrogate mum/gran!

Thack · 26/02/2021 14:02

Hi all, nice to be able to connect with all of you.

My mum died a few days before Christmas. It was quite sudden and unexpected. I'm now 36 weeks with her first grandbaby. She was so excited when I told her.
I still cry most days knowing that she never got to meet the baby. From when I fell pregnant I'd pictured hubby, mum and dad meeting baby for the first time. The way she'd cradle him/her, pat their bum, say hello and give a little laugh as she did.

She was a worrier and I'm quite independent so my situation is different from a support view. I also have MIL nearby who I get on with well.

I wish I could offer advice. Happy to offer a handhold Remember, you are allowed to be upset and have bad days, but we will be strong mum's and get through this

user2021 · 26/02/2021 14:07

My mum is alive but lives on the other side of the world and we barely speak. I had 2 under 2 and managed without any family help (DH parents deceased). It was hard but manageable.
I would have really loved a lovely and helpful mum who lived around the corner and who could give me a break from time to time but that's not how life turned out for me.
You got this OP

Orangesofaandcoffee · 26/02/2021 18:12

Hi everyone, my mum died when i was 16 wk pregnant with my last DD, it was really hard and i missed her so much, i felt guilty looking forward to the birth when everyone was struggling but we found it a help having something positive to hold on too. My midwife was amazing and so was the health visitor in the weeks after birth. Make sure you talk to your midwife etc. The baby years are hard but wonderfull. I love seeing my mum in my children, their expressions and personality. You will too OP

Milkand2sugarsplease · 26/02/2021 18:41

I lost my lovely mum when my DS was 3m old. I spent my maternity leave with him sorting out the logistics that go along with a death and then the months and years afterwards coming to terms with not having her around. I still go to ring her now for little things (8 years later) and then realise 'oh, I can't' and it stops me in my tracks.
I don't think you ever get used to not having your mum around.x

maloney123 · 26/02/2021 19:09

My mum died when I was 18 and my dad not long after (I’m now 33 and 26 weeks with my first baby). I’m generally almost immune to it most of the time now in that I go about my daily life as normal, but being pregnant has brought a lot of emotions and tears to the fore. My mum was brilliant with little ones and it’s so unfair she won’t get to meet mine and that they won’t know her. My in laws are fine if a bit overbearing but I’m quite resentful of them in some ways, that they will know the baby and the baby will know them. It’s just one of those horrible things we have to live with I guess. Love to everyone in the same boat x

Original poster

MeltingSnowflake · 02/03/2021 10:15

Hi everyone,

Thank you so so much for taking the time to reply. Apologies I didn’t reply for a while, I was a bit overwhelmed by it all to be honest.

And I’m so sorry that you’re all going through life without your mums too. So much of what you’ve said has resonated with me - imagining how she would have been with the baby, how excited she would have been, wanting to call her and remembering that I can’t...

All your messages really helped - esp yours @Mishmased when you said that the mothering instinct gives you huge internal strength - that gives me hope that I can do this!

If anyone needs a handhold at any point, I’ll be here 💐 Xxx

OP posts:

Summersun12 · 02/03/2021 10:57

Im sorry for your loss.

Not mum but i lost my dad 2 years ago when i was 7months pregnant. Was just hideous. Naively thought with my next pregnancy i wouldnt feel so sad he is missing our seeting baby but it never goes.

I took picture of my dad into labour suite and i talk abour his to my dc. Hes very much still a massive part of our lives.

Its so crap losing a parent. Youre so early on in your grief so take care of yourself x

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