My husband is now struggling with having a second child

[Aeon6]

I'm not really sure where to start with this, I'm afraid that it is going to be very long in order to give context. Apologies in advance.

I am 12 weeks pregnant with our second child. This baby was planned but after the scan my husband seemed really 'off'. I had a horrible feeling that he was unhappy about the baby and asked him. He told me that now that the baby is 'a reality' he is struggling and told me that he had hoped that something would be wrong at the scan. I'd just like to note that he didn't say that to upset me and I almost expected him to say it. He has been spending more time on his own rather than with me in the evenings and I had been struggling with that a little, it turns out that it was because he was struggling with the concept of another child. I'm really sad that he felt like he couldn't talk to me.

Our oldest was a wonderful surprise after I was told that I couldn't have children. I gave my husband the option of staying with me and the baby or leaving because it was such a surprise. He stayed but he struggled because it was a big change and carried a lot of responsibility, something that he struggled with at that point. He drank and smoked a lot throughout that pregnancy and developed addictions. He struggled to bond with our DD until she was 6 months old and at one point when she was tiny he told me that she was a mistake, (which he then apologised for, I think it was due to stress) and now loves her dearly.

I had really wanted a second child and tried to convince myself that I didn't but I still did. My husband didn't but even if he had I couldn't have brought a child into the environment of active addiction as it was already difficult. I ended up leaving my husband at the end of June 2020 as his addictions had taken over and he was starting to do things that were out of character. I stayed away from out family home and he asked me to come and talk so I went back to talk to him a few days later.

We talked for a long time and he asked if there was a chance for our relationship. I told him that I couldn't take it anymore, that how he acted with me was hurting me and that I couldn't take the addictions and associated behaviour anymore. I told him that I didn't want him to change his whole personality, I just wanted him to be more loving and caring and actually engage with me like he had done periodically throughout our relationship, to effectively be less selfish. I told him another reason I was unsure was because I still wanted another child and that I knew that he didn't. He then told me that he would try harder to let me know what I meant to him and to be more loving with me. He said that his worry about a second child was more that it would interfere with his addiction and that he was open to the idea. I told him that I needed time to think and he told me that he was going into rehab.

We spoke more about having another child and he said that we could try once he was out and we had moved house. Our move got delayed and my Doctor told me that I wouldn't likely be able to conceive for at least three months, (I have fertility issues) so we started trying just after he came out of rehab. It took me quite a while and I had a loss but eventually I became pregnant. I didn't tell my husband when I was ovulating etc at his request so we just regularly had sex and enjoyed it with no pressure. He was happy when I told him that I was pregnant and I was nervous that I would have another loss.

I had my 12 week scan and everything was luckily ok but now my husband is really struggling. I told him that we can separate if he that is what he wants, (it's not what I want but I will respect his decision if that is what he wants) He is still struggling and last night ended up drinking as he said that he just wanted to pass out as he was really stressed. I was really worried as I was hoping that he had got 'tools' (ways of coping) for when things got really hard and it appears that he doesn't so I'm really worried that he will start drinking again. He has told me that he won't and that it is a one off and apologised for how he is feeling, which I feel awful about. Obviously I would rather that he was happy but I'm not going to tell him how he should feel and I will support him, I just wish that he wasn't stressed, it's awful to see him like that, I just want to help.

If you managed to get through that then I applaud you. Has anyone else experienced this? Am I stupid to hope that he will eventually become more comfortable with our second child?

Hi Op, I didn't want to read and run, hopefully someone will give you some useful advice, (bc i only have one baby) but there's lots of things going on in your post- I would prob suggest you reach out to someone - a friend? A parent? The transition to two kiddies is a big one, but I don't feel that's the main issue atm, and I think you could do with someone you can talk to... Your partner might need additional input from a mental health team or similar? Addictions even post rehab are kind of a life long battle, and it sounds like he has low mood. Just feeling like you need an opportunity to put yourself first somehow... Pregnancy is great, but tiring with your eldest running around too. Hth, hope it makes sense... Sending love xx

Sounds really hard OP, I'm not excusing it, but coming out of rehab and battling addiction (which he will everyday, even with 'tools' it's a huge challenge everyday- there's no way to learn to do x or y that makes it easier unfortunately), along with processing having a second child that in honesty it doesn't sound like he wanted, was never going to be easy. Framing it as you can leave if you like isn't that easy, he is going through a lot too and it's basically saying I'm not going to support you and sod off if you dont like it.

The answer is more complex, the truth is he probably doesn't know what he needs either to help him through, all you can do is continue to be there for support. Make sure you have some support as well beyond him, and that you are looking after yourself.

Tbh he sounds like he has a lot of issues that he needs to concentrate on. You may want this relationship to be happy but it will always be a roller coaster ride with things as they are. As harsh as it may seem I think you will be on your own a lot with your kids unless he finds a better way to deal with his own demons. Many men struggle to express how they feel and so need to find the right outlet for them to stop them self destructing. You need to find support for all of you as individuals and a family unit. Good luck.

My husband is an emotional retard, struggles with anger issues. But a decade ago he found the right outlet for him, his is powerlifting, I see why he loves it too as I've been doing it myself for over 3.5years now. It's incredible how much better I feel physically and emotionally after a good session in the gym.

His addiction is never going away. He can just learn to manage it. That 'managing it' is a massive achievement but is also a risk that he won't or can't manage it at some point in the future.

First off he needs to want to get help with it and want to stick to it. Without those 2 he's definitely not going to succeed.

Things will always come along in life which will challenge his resolve

Similar for you, you have to establish whether you're happy to support him through this forever more, including through all the challenges that life will throw at him/you as a couple.

A new baby will inevitably challenge the two of you with regards to his addiction.
I think you both have some thinking to do about what you both want, and what you both can offer to your relationship knowing that his addiction is now a part of him!!

I agree with everyone else. It sounds like he may have some unresolved problems or emotions that is leading to him smoking and drinking. Maybe some traumatic experiences that either you do or do not know about from when he was younger (hence, the alcohol is self medication) that may be causing the fear of attachment and he hasn't faced whatever it is. I would highly suggest he talk to counselor or therapist and see if there is an opportunity for him to talk about and possibly process it. But he also has to be willing to do that, or else the effort may be pointless. Maybe sit him down and suggest this and see what he says.

I think you need to think about what is the best life for you and your children.
He has addictions that he can’t beat. You don’t say what they are, but think about how they may affect your children and his ability to be a father.
It’s about the kids, no one else.

Like others have said, there’s lots and lots going on here.

I think it might be that you’ve underestimated the power of addiction and the often associated depression.

You don’t want to hear it, but what is he bringing to yours and your children’s lives other than flakiness and worry?

You really would be so much happier separated, and ultimately your children will too.

I don’t mean this harshly but I think it was very risky to decide to have a baby while he’s so early in his recovery when it was a trigger for him before. I can understand why he feels the way he does and I can see that for you it’s awful for it to be that way when you’re pregnant. I think it would be sensible to be realistic about the risks around him relapsing and have a plan in place both to support him and to allow you to prioritise yourself and your children; at the end of it they are the priority

And when you left him he told you what you wanted to hear to get you back.
You’ve just gone back to what you left, and now there’s another baby on the way

Sorry your going through a hard time OP.
Your husbands addictions are obviously a real issue here. Addictions usually steam from somewhere or something and from breifly reading what you have said your husband certainly sounds like depression could be an issue here. 1 in 10 men develop depression during pregancy or within the first year of birth which often goes undiagnosed. From what you said about him struggling to bound, saying she was mistake he could of very well been struggling with depression even before the pregnancy or developed throughout. Now your having a 2nd child all these feelings and thoughts could be coming back to your husband leading deeper into depression and coping mechanisms like drinking to help. That being said your husband needs to want to get help, you cant make him. He clearly does have some mental health issues that need addressed and i hope he does for not only himself but for you and your kids.

To clarify you broke up June LAST YEAR, he went into rehab, he came out, you tried for ages, had a loss but concieved early Dec LAST YEAR?

I'm asking because that seems INCREDIBLY rushed even for just a break up let alone one centered around addiction.

Honestly if you want to keep the baby, o think you need to look at doing it alone. He doesn't sound able to be a decent Dad and father.

How old is eldest?

Kids come first, it is you who needs to leave him because believe me, it is not easy for kids to grow up by the side of an addicted parent who resents their presence.

Children are difficult but if he cannot keep up with one and is not supporting you because he doesn’t like the idea of another kid, what is the point of staying together?

First of all, a big hug to you. I recommend therapy for both of you and addiction support groups for him (not necessarily AA, depends on your tastes, 12 steps are not the only option!) And yes you will have to consider this may end in you being a single mother to two children, so you should be looking into assistance programs that can help you with that (even if you're completely financially capable on your own it's worth looking into! Be willing to take any help you can get.) I am also a recovering addict so I know what he's going through and unfortunately it is all up to him whether he will choose to stay better. His little slip up is very concerning to me too, it is better for an alcoholic to avoid alcohol period.

He loves you and doesn’t want to lose you so he agreed to a second child. He doesn’t love being a father. Is it possible he has some kind of trauma related to his own father that may have triggered his drinking?

At the moment he cannot be a supportive partner due to his issues. What other real life support do you have?