24 weeks, feeling low, regretting the baby, afraid of the future

AbsolutePlonker · 2021-02-23T09:24:34+00:00

Hi all. I am really ashamed to be writing this. But I am struggling. I have been upset for a few weeks. I don't want the baby any more. We tried for the baby, after being married 2 years and together 10 (both 30), but got pregnant straight away and it was a huge shock. When I first conceived I wanted an abortion, but for some reason I went to the first scan and started to think maybe I could do this. I've been happy for most of the pregnancy so far but the last few weeks have been really hard, mentally. Everyone tells me I'll be a good mother but I can't bear the thought going through labour, seeing my body postpartum, the sleepless nights, the breastfeeding, the loneliness when my husband goes back to work and leaves us alone, etc. I am frightened I won't love the baby. We are obviously past the point of no return now and I'm crying all day when I'm meant to be 'working from home'. I feel ok at the weekend when my husband is around, I manage to stop thinking about it, but when I'm alone I just break down. I've struggled to discuss this with him as he gets upset and thinks I'm making things worse for myself by worrying, I'm increasing the likelihood of PPD by BEING upset, etc. My mum is constantly telling me not to worry, all women go through it, etc etc. But it's not sinking in. All I do is cry and panic. I have been referred by my GP to a counselling service but not had a call from them yet. My GP also suggested I could try anti-depressants to take the edge off. Has anyone else gone through this or have any suggestions of what I can do? Right now I don't want to be a mum, and I feel distraught with guilt. I wish I could rewind. Finding out that the UK is coming out of lockdown 10 days after my due date has left me having feelings of suicide because I miss my friends and my 'normal life' so much and I just feel like I made a huge mistake getting pregnant.

Tryingandhoping2020 · 23/02/2021 09:35

Hi, it sounds like you might be suffering from pre-natal depression/anxiety? Definitely worth seeing your GP and get a referral to perinatal mental health - antidepressants can be a lifechanger too — I’ve been on sertraline for almost 2 years and am continuing during my pregnancy with support from the perinatal mental health team. Good luck xx

ShrimpingViolet · 23/02/2021 09:42

Oh OP, didn't want to read this and not reply. Definitely speak to your GP and try whatever is suggested. I know sertraline can be a game changer.

But I would also say this is one of the hugest possible changes you can ever go through in your life. Totally understand your fear of the unknown and grieving your 'old' life.

When the baby arrives, if you don't feel love just yet, don't panic. That is totally normal. I and many of my friends found this was a gradual process. I also in the first couple of weeks felt like we had ruined our lives completely. Hang in there. It gets easier and when you are in the thick of newborn chaos it's hard to remember the fact that this is fleeting. You won't have a baby forever.

My DD is two in a couple of months. We now have our evenings, we get time to relax, we take her to nice places (pre covid anyway) and she is talking and interactive and a joy.

Yes there are hard bits and becoming a parent for the first time hits you like a bus in every conceivable way. But you will be okay and you can do this. And the joy and love they bring you, in the end, is like nothing else. for you xx

helpmum2003 · 23/02/2021 09:50

OP you aren't the only person that feels like this and there is nothing to feel ashamed about.
I found my first pregnancy very difficult and looking back I wish I had realised it at the time and asked for help. There is an expectation that it will be one of the happiest and most exciting times of your life but it isn't like that for everyone, however much you planned the pregnancy.

I'm sure covid has made it all worse. Please ask your GP and midwife for help. Good luck, it will get better!

Original poster

AbsolutePlonker · 23/02/2021 11:37

@helpmum2003

OP you aren't the only person that feels like this and there is nothing to feel ashamed about. I found my first pregnancy very difficult and looking back I wish I had realised it at the time and asked for help. There is an expectation that it will be one of the happiest and most exciting times of your life but it isn't like that for everyone, however much you planned the pregnancy.

I'm sure covid has made it all worse. Please ask your GP and midwife for help. Good luck, it will get better!

Thank you, I have reached out to them both now, I feel like a monster and while the Midwife was indifferent, the GP was at least very concerned. Hope it will all get better soon.

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Original poster

AbsolutePlonker · 23/02/2021 11:39

@ShrimpingViolet

Oh OP, didn't want to read this and not reply. Definitely speak to your GP and try whatever is suggested. I know sertraline can be a game changer.

But I would also say this is one of the hugest possible changes you can ever go through in your life. Totally understand your fear of the unknown and grieving your 'old' life.

When the baby arrives, if you don't feel love just yet, don't panic. That is totally normal. I and many of my friends found this was a gradual process. I also in the first couple of weeks felt like we had ruined our lives completely. Hang in there. It gets easier and when you are in the thick of newborn chaos it's hard to remember the fact that this is fleeting. You won't have a baby forever.

My DD is two in a couple of months. We now have our evenings, we get time to relax, we take her to nice places (pre covid anyway) and she is talking and interactive and a joy.

Yes there are hard bits and becoming a parent for the first time hits you like a bus in every conceivable way. But you will be okay and you can do this. And the joy and love they bring you, in the end, is like nothing else. for you xx

Thank you for your kind words. I know people with children who are SO happy, I don't know why I find it so hard to imagine we will be too? But yes I think I'm grieving my 'old' life, and have been grieving for it for the last 12 months anyway! (previously a big lover of live music, festivals, holidays etc). I will push the GP for support.

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Original poster

AbsolutePlonker · 23/02/2021 11:41

@Tryingandhoping2020

Hi, it sounds like you might be suffering from pre-natal depression/anxiety? Definitely worth seeing your GP and get a referral to perinatal mental health - antidepressants can be a lifechanger too — I’ve been on sertraline for almost 2 years and am continuing during my pregnancy with support from the perinatal mental health team. Good luck xx

Thank you, I will definitely speak to my GP about sertraline. I do think I have some degree of pre-natal depression, based on reading online, but my midwife didn't seem to know anything and pushed me to the GP.

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Edelweiss2020 · 23/02/2021 12:35

Sending you a huge hug. I hope the GP is able to fast track some help for you.

See if your hospital has a mental health midwife/consultant. I have a long history of MH issues and was referred to both the mh midwife and put under a consultant and they have been amazingly supportive and can put you in touch with other people that can also help :)

Rosieposy89 · 23/02/2021 12:43

I didn't wanto read and run op. I'm sorry you're going through this. You're definitely not the only person in the world to feel like this. I have had longstanding issues with anxiety and depression and what you are saying resonates with how I feel when I'm poorly. If you are depressed/anxious this will warp your thinking and you'll find once these are treated you'll think more clearly. Be gentle with yourself, this is the biggest life change you can go through and can trigger all sorts of emotions. I'm 10 weeks pregnant and am remaining on a low dose Antidepressant and am under the care of perinatal MH services as a caution. I'd encourage you to keep speaking to your GP and don't be blaming yourself for anything, you've done nothing wrong and by seeking help you're doing the very best thing for you and baby x

Adancewithdragons · 23/02/2021 12:57

Ohhhh I would say try not to worry but that won’t help. Definitely push for some counselling.

I’m not going to lie having a baby will definitely change your life but it’s not all bad I promise. I wouldn’t change having my babies for anything and I definitely had very similar thoughts in my 1st pregnancy and struggled.

Precovid I went out to dinner, caught up with friends and went on walks while OH looked after our children. I then looked after children while my OH did things with friends or personal time like going for a run.

Is there anything in particular you are thinking you might miss it is it more Anxiety

ShrimpingViolet · 23/02/2021 13:27

Don't forget as well that you'll be able to do all those things you enjoy again! Do you have much family support nearby?

Cafeaulait27 · 23/02/2021 13:32

Sorry you’re going through this. It’s perfectly normal to be worried - having a baby is a huge life changing thing for both your body and your mind. I’m 6 weeks currently and I sometimes freak out that I’ll be a bad mother, not love the baby or regret it.

I agree with what others have said that you should get help and I’m glad you are doing. But don’t think that you’re weird for feeling this way. It’s a huge thing!!

Sending love xxx

allsayingthesamething · 23/02/2021 13:34

I got pre natal depression much more severely than afterwards. I would get treatment straight away and wait for the darkness to lift. You're not yourself just now.

MrsD20 · 23/02/2021 14:23

I think you have taken a huge step already by saying it out loud (on here) how you are feeling and that's a great start. I have always been desperate to be a mother and I tried for 2 years to get pregnant and although I love my son, there were times when he was tiny I thought "what the hell have I done" I felt so guilty but then so many friends and family members told me they all went through it. My baby now makes me feel on cloud 9 and I wouldn't change anything for the world. What you are feeling is perfectly normal sweetheart but the suicidal thoughts need addressing as soon as possible. You will live a happy life, just a different life and for the better ❤️

Original poster

AbsolutePlonker · 24/02/2021 09:47

@Edelweiss2020

Sending you a huge hug. I hope the GP is able to fast track some help for you.

See if your hospital has a mental health midwife/consultant. I have a long history of MH issues and was referred to both the mh midwife and put under a consultant and they have been amazingly supportive and can put you in touch with other people that can also help :)

Thank you, I will. I have no history of MH problems and I think this is partly why I'm finding it hard to get any help!

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Original poster

AbsolutePlonker · 24/02/2021 09:48

@Rosieposy89

I didn't wanto read and run op. I'm sorry you're going through this. You're definitely not the only person in the world to feel like this. I have had longstanding issues with anxiety and depression and what you are saying resonates with how I feel when I'm poorly. If you are depressed/anxious this will warp your thinking and you'll find once these are treated you'll think more clearly. Be gentle with yourself, this is the biggest life change you can go through and can trigger all sorts of emotions. I'm 10 weeks pregnant and am remaining on a low dose Antidepressant and am under the care of perinatal MH services as a caution. I'd encourage you to keep speaking to your GP and don't be blaming yourself for anything, you've done nothing wrong and by seeking help you're doing the very best thing for you and baby x

Thank you, so much xxxxx

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Original poster

AbsolutePlonker · 24/02/2021 09:50

@Adancewithdragons

Ohhhh I would say try not to worry but that won’t help. Definitely push for some counselling.

I’m not going to lie having a baby will definitely change your life but it’s not all bad I promise. I wouldn’t change having my babies for anything and I definitely had very similar thoughts in my 1st pregnancy and struggled.

Precovid I went out to dinner, caught up with friends and went on walks while OH looked after our children. I then looked after children while my OH did things with friends or personal time like going for a run.

Is there anything in particular you are thinking you might miss it is it more Anxiety

I think for me it's the unknown, just worried about my body looking different, a change in my relationship with OH, etc. He is brilliant and hands on and REALLY wants this child. I'm just an anxious wreck who thinks everything will be harder/worse!

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Original poster

AbsolutePlonker · 24/02/2021 09:52

@ShrimpingViolet

Don't forget as well that you'll be able to do all those things you enjoy again! Do you have much family support nearby?

Unfortunately my Mum is an hour away and I haven't seen her since October because we've been in various stages of lockdown - except for one day she accompanied me to my Amniocentesis procedure :( But I WILL have support once Covid is over!

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Original poster

AbsolutePlonker · 24/02/2021 09:53

@MrsD20

I think you have taken a huge step already by saying it out loud (on here) how you are feeling and that's a great start. I have always been desperate to be a mother and I tried for 2 years to get pregnant and although I love my son, there were times when he was tiny I thought "what the hell have I done" I felt so guilty but then so many friends and family members told me they all went through it. My baby now makes me feel on cloud 9 and I wouldn't change anything for the world. What you are feeling is perfectly normal sweetheart but the suicidal thoughts need addressing as soon as possible. You will live a happy life, just a different life and for the better ❤️

Thank you for saying that. Bit of me keeps saying, 'you should have waited longer' - we thought we'd be TTC for months. I wish I could shake myself and realise how lucky I am.

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Hayleyjade88 · 24/02/2021 09:57

Hi OP,

I'm 8 weeks pregnant and completely understand how you feel, I'm going through the exact same thing. All I seem to do is sit and cry in my dressing gown all day when I'm supposed to be 'working', you are absolutely not alone and there is nothing to be ashamed of. Infact when I read your post I thought it could have been written by myself because I feel exactly the same. Better days are coming and I really hope your GP can help you xx

FlyNow · 24/02/2021 10:10

I felt this way, and in the end none of it was that bad, or bad at all. I wish I hadn't worried. The birth was fine. The nights weren't totally sleepless, and I had naps during the day, actually it was fine. Loneliness after DH returned to work - the opposite! It was nice to be at home together but I was looking forward to getting to spend time just me and baby.

I'm not sure if that helps, I don't mean to be dismissive or pollyanna about things. It's a bit change. Just sharing my experience, it's not all horror stories necessarily.

sausagerole · 24/02/2021 10:11

I felt really low for about 3/4 months during my pregnancy. Really unlike me, was very weepy and sad and would just sob alone for ages about mildly upsetting things from the past.

I found it really helpful to speak to the GP/midwife. It did lift by itself eventually, particularly after alot of sleep/rest - I think exhaustion and hormones meant my defences were down constantly.
I think it also doesn't help that there's such a societal pressure to have be emotionally'up' about your pregnancy and baby. DC were much wanted but it was also a massive shock when we conceived and I had major doubts. I never felt particularly emotionally connected to them during pregnancy and even early infancy - I knew I wanted and loved them but my love and affection for them grew rather than was instant and overwhelming.
In short, get whatever support you can but also don't feel that you won't love your baby just because you don't feel buzzed about it all the time.