Pregnant Maid of Honor - Hen Party??

[sierraleona123]

Hi all, I am new here!
I have just found out I am pregnant (very early, about 4 weeks) which I am really excited about. Myself and my husband got married in December following a year of postponed dates due to COVID-19 so we're really lucky to have gotten pregnant so quickly, as we were feeling our life plans been delayed each month the wedding delayed.

Now that the positive pregnancy result has sunk in, I have woken up this morning feeling incredibly guilty due to my best friends upcoming wedding plans. She gets married in December 2021 and I am her only Bridesmaid (Maid of Honor). If I am lucky enough to have a healthy pregnancy, my baby should be here late October/early November, so I will still be able to fully participate in the wedding.
However, she is planning on an 'away hen party' which involves a weekend away, about 3 hours drive from home (COVID permitting). The hen weekend hasn't been booked yet due to COVID uncertainty, but we are planning on booking it for October time.

As Maid of Honor, it is one of my duties to arrange the hen weekend, however I am feeling really guilty that I may not be able to be there.

Has anyone else been in this position?
Do you have any ideas on how I should feel or how I can make myself feel less guilty?
Any ideas on how I can get around it to still be there - is it unrealistic for me to think that if we have the hen weekend in September or November, I may be able to go?

Thanks in advance x

What would you feel if the situation was reversed? Imagine a friend can't organise or visit your party because she fell pregnant. Wouldn't you be happy for her, and change plans? Or would you be angry and suggest she should not have fallen pregnant to fit into your plans better?

Life happens and we need to revisit our plans sometimes. You should not feel guilty at all. You do need to tell your friend in advance, so she has time to prepare. Also, do not promise you will 100% go to her wedding, with a one month old you may find that when December comes, you are not in the mood, or may only stay shortly.

Life happens, I don't think she would be angry, but could you ask her if she would be Halloween doing it a few weeks earlier maybe the end of September so you can attend? The weather would be better then too! 😀

I wouldn't plan it later as you may not feel ready to leave a newborn so soon.
Tell her your happy news but swear her to secrecy about it for now. Try to plan something for at least a month before your due date just in case the baby decides to come a little early. I'm sure she will be happy to adjust things under the circumstances and be excited for you.

It's a tricky one! Thankfully haven't been in this position myself.

Thinking about your dates: if you are planning to breastfeed I think you might struggle to go away soon after giving birth. And you might not want to go away that soon anyway. Everyone has a different experience but most new mums seem to find the first 6 weeks really difficult. I probably wouldn't be planning anything for then if it was me. In terms of looking at September that could be an option, but again you won't really know until you get there. You could have a straightforward pregnancy and be feeling fine at that point or you could be feeling dreadful and needing extra scans etc. Personally I am trying to stay within about 60-90 minutes of the hospital now having been kept in overnight with suspected premature labour at 33 weeks even though I actually feel fine. I'm not sure you'll really know how it's going until closer to the time though. You'd definitely want to have your hospital bag with you!

You haven't said, but do you want to tell your friend about your pregnancy yet? You could talk to her about it and see if there's anything you can do to compromise? One of my friends ended up doing a house party at her home because she was 9 months pregnant for her friend's hen do. It was actually really lovely and probably one of the best hen dos I've been to! Or you could hire somewhere a bit closer to home just in case. So much is made of these things and everyone wants theirs to be amazing but when you speak to the hens rather than the bride honestly a lot of them would rather not spend hundreds of pounds going away - the main thing is having the chance to meet everyone and have a bit of a laugh together.

Wow - thank you everyone for your replies!

@anniebu Thanks - I have been reverting back to these exact thoughts - if the shoe was on the other foot then I would be delighted for my friend and would work out a way around it. I definitely do need to tell my friend in advance. I am nervous about doing so right now as I am only about 4 weeks gone.

@brushlaptop Thanks - I think this is what I will suggest - can always play on the weather as the positive!

@Chelyanne Thanks for your advice. I did think this too. This is my first pregnancy so can't compare regarding how I may feel at certain points, so I am grateful for your input. I am concerned about telling her too soon in case the news gets out. I will think about this further.

@BlueberryPancake21 Thank you and congratulations to you! I hope everything goes well for you.
I think I will try to encourage my friend to adjust the plans to go ahead in September and play on "better weather" being the reason for bringing it forward. That would allow us to get things booked and give me the best chance of attending.
My friend will be having a 'home-hen' too which I hope to be able to definitely attend as this will only last a couple of hours.
I completely agree that so much is made of these things when really, in the end, everyone just wants to spend as little as possible, have a laugh and make some memories! It normally doesn't matter where you are or for how long. But it's easy for me to say, difficult for the bride-to-be to see it this way!

Thank you all for your input, I feel so much more at ease now than I did this morning so I really appreciate it. I will let you know how it all ends up

@sierraleona123 meee! The extra pressure was that it's my sister and she knew we are TTC, her comment was 'please don't get pregnancy to give birth at the time of my wedding' which is end of May. I'm due 23rd June. Anyways, princess behaviour aside, we had a very honest conversation that all I would be able to do is walk down the aisle with flower girls and wear a dress she wants. She has since nominated another bridesmaid to do a lot of the heavy lifting i.e. her dress train haha but it will most likely be postponed. Either way, life happens, the other bridesmaid is a GP and it was her that asked me if I wanted to attend a gathering like a hen party anyway due to covid as hen would be in April! I know she would much rather me at the wedding than at the hen, I think it's worth thinking about reigning in another bridesmaid though

@Nesski ahh that is a tricky one! However I am glad to have found someone else who has been through this with advice like yourself! And congratulations on your upcoming addition

I think, knowing my friend, when I sit her down and chat about it, she will be delighted for me and will play down her wedding like "ohh don't worry about that at all!!!" but deep inside I know she will feel a 'pang' of something.... but I can't help that. All I can do is prepare the events accordingly, ensure I give it my all in the lead up and if I am there, then great, if not then I think it'll be OK...

Also there is a chance something like a hen weekend can't go ahead if COVID continues the way it's going! But I hope by the end of 2021 we're in a better position...

Life happens- you're right

Congratulations. Don't be feeling guilty at all. At the end of the day, it's just a wedding and a hen party. I'm maid of honour for my cousin. She wants a 3 day hen do abroad. I'm not going because I get fatigued due a health condition and won't cope and she understands. It took us 2 years to fall pregnant and so I think its unreasonable for anyone to expect a wedding guest to withold ttc for an event!

@sierraleona123 also it depends on how you planning on telling her about the pregnancy? I just told her and then she wasn't enthused (she's a doctor, told me I should have kept it to myself until 12 weeks) which I was pretty pissed about (again she is a princess). We had the wedding chat a few days after, which she raised. I think she was pissed inside really (we have a funny dynamic, but we do love and respect eachother). I would suggest that if you're planning to do it in person/via video then don't bring it up until she does, otherwise a 'surprise 12 week standard photo' would work so she can keep her true feelings to herself and if it was the case it's not entirely irrational, all she will have is her wedding on her mind, you'll have baby on yours!

Would you consider booking accommodation for your husband and baby nearby (or even at the same place, if it's a hotel set up) so that you can have the best of both worlds?
Having said that, I'm not sure I would have been OK with that with a newborn (especially if breastfeeding).

If you're really set on being there, best option is probably a late Sept/early Oct hen party while you're still pregnant. Be careful not to organise too close to your due date, however (I ended up missing my best friends hen party because I went into labour earlier that day... she knew and accepted the risk, though)!

5 of my dearest friends were pregnant around my wedding! Delighted for them, although at least two would have been in bridesmaid territory. Actually four came to my hen which naturally became a bit more afternoon tea-ish. One, whose bridesmaid is been, couldn’t come to anything! I mean it’s sad but it’s fine!

I was in the same position and I spoke to the bride and explained I wouldn't be able to go along and she was fine. Gutted that I wouldn't be there as one of her best friends and a bridesmaid but she loves me and understood. I was there for her wedding day and spent the night away from my baby to be with her then. After the year we have had and your delayed wedding, I am sure she will just be happy for you. I understand though as I felt dread telling my friend but was surprised at how wel she took it.

P.s. I told my friend at 5 weeks and she was the first to know so was delighted that she knew something no-one else did which was a bit of a sweetener when saying I couldn't go.

@Rosieposy89 Thank you you are right that we shouldn't hold off ttc for an event.

@Nesski ah yikes sounds like a funny dynamic for sure! I am not sure how I will tell her to be honest. Will probably just be honest with her and explain how I've been concerned about it, so she doesn't think I have forgotten about her/her plans entirely...

@Poppins2016 Thanks, it's a good suggestion, I think I might feel more guilty for husband and baby to drag them away from home for a couple of days. That's helpful to hear your experience! I think I might try book for September time, then when I get round to telling her (I'm only 4/5 weeks just now I think, so don't want to tell her just yet), I can let her know that I booked this time in the hope that I can be there too.

@Lalalockdown That's lovely that 5 of your friends were pregnant - there must have been something in the air at that time?! I think I've decided that it's just life, things like this happen! Plans clash and there is not much we can do about it. I know my friend and I know that once her wedding etc is all done and over with, she will hold no hard feelings.

@Crowsandshivers Ah thanks for your experience too. I hope my conversation goes the same way. The year we have had has brought most people back down to earth a bit so hopefully she isn't too upset.

Thanks again all for your comments I really appreciate it and feel much more at ease tonight than I did this morning!