Visitors after birth

[bunhead34]

I know lockdown etc might make visitors impossible!
But wondering what everyone's 'rules' are re people visiting after birth?
My in-laws live far away and I am dreading them hitching up to stay with us after the baby is born 🙈 (never mind the extended family) I'm a private person and want time to bond/establish bf/find my feet/stop bleeding! Etc.
The only person I want to see in the first couple of weeks is my sister!
Just wondering what is normal
For visitors and what everyone's plans are?

You're in control. Just say no/what youre comfortable with and stick to it. I didn't and hated the two weeks after birth. This time I'm having no visitors for days, then time slots - and I won't care who I offend.

There isn't a 'normal'
It's all down to what you're comfortable with. You set the rules.
Plus it will all depend on what kind of birth you have an how it goes

There is no normal, you have to set your boundaries and make sure that your partner helps to enforce them.

With my first I didn’t really think about it beforehand and DHs family really took the piss, in hindsight. They were in the hospital ward before my spinal block had even worn off, and we had various family members visiting every day for weeks! I’m really resentful of it when I look back, I should have been recovering and spending time with my baby but instead I made cups of tea and watched other people pass her around.

My Mum was the only one who seemed to understand that visits were supposed to be to help me, not just to coo over the baby. Next time around I’ll be a lot more assertive and people will have to come when it’s convenient to me.

So I think you have to remember that they will want to meet the baby, and you can’t keep them away forever, but set expectations up front about what feels reasonable to you. Perhaps they could come after a few weeks but stay in a hotel for example?

A few days or a week to yourselves is not much to ask for and most will respect this no problems. You do risk putting some people noses out of joint by asking them to wait too long though so you have to gauge it by person/family.
I always allow closest family to visit sooner but not for too long at a time and have no problems saying when I think they've outstayed their welcome. One thing I really hate is people turning up unannounced so I will be making it very clear that this should not happen pre-birth (the mother in-law!!)

Good luck, it can be a mine field.

Covid restrictions make this very easy!

There isn't a normal, but I had friends visit as soon as I was home, couldn't get enough visitors!

I’m due around Easter, so hoping restrictions will have lifted a bit then.

Like you, my in laws live far away so will have to stay overnight if they visit. We’re planning on waiting a few weeks... I’ll definitely want some time at home with just DH and the baby before having anyone to stay.

My parents live locally so will probably come round for some short visits.

If you don't want visitors then you just say so. You have the perfect excuse with covid not to have any. Tell them they can come later when restrictions are much more relaxed.

I had family round the day we got home from hospital! But I am very close to both my own family and my in-laws, so it was a joy rather than a chore. So what’s right for you. For me the help and support was invaluable, but if your families won’t be helpful then it’s a different kettle of fish.

Do your in-laws have a habit of turning up without being invited?

In some ways we had it very easy: S1 was born two weeks before Christmas, so we did our usual travelling to visit both families when he was ten days old. That way I wasn't expected to do any Making Cups Of Tea (though I was a bit pissed off when we got to lunchtime stop at my dad's: I was nursing in the lounge and H asked what I wanted to eat. I said "oh, I dunno - a cheese sandwich? or whatever's in the fridge". He brought me a plain cheese sandwich, then made himself a ham sandwich with some lettuce and tomato...)

I like to have people to come round and see the baby but no way would I have anyone stopping over when I'd just given birth.

@merryhouse

Do your in-laws have a habit of turning up without being invited?

In some ways we had it very easy: S1 was born two weeks before Christmas, so we did our usual travelling to visit both families when he was ten days old. That way I wasn't expected to do any Making Cups Of Tea (though I was a bit pissed off when we got to lunchtime stop at my dad's: I was nursing in the lounge and H asked what I wanted to eat. I said "oh, I dunno - a cheese sandwich? or whatever's in the fridge". He brought me a plain cheese sandwich, then made himself a ham sandwich with some lettuce and tomato...)

They wouldn't usually just turn up, but I think they will just be so excited! And I have a history of being badgered into Things I don't want (which will not be happening this time!!)

I'd have sent that sandwich back to the chef!!

@somuchcoffeeneeded

Covid restrictions make this very easy!

Here's hoping! I'm still a couple of months off my due date, so things might change.

Its a very personal decision!

I didn't want people saying, but i had visitors in the hospital when baby was about 5 hours old.then once we were hone we had people round every day.

I personally couldn't have imagined anything worse than being at home seeing no one, we were back out eating at restaurants and take away at friends houses once dd was 3 weeks old

@bunhead34 i knew I was going to get constant hassle if family hadn’t seen our baby (he’s first grandchild on both sides and everyone was very excited). I let my parents/ sister and DHs parents come round the evening we got home (separately) - told them before they arrived it it was a one hour visit and that after that we’d be taking at least a week to find our feet as new parents.
Felt it worked well because they’d got to have that initial meeting that they were all excited for and it stopped me being constantly hassled for that week that we wanted alone!

Due to lockdown most other family/friends still haven’t met out little guy 😓

I could not have coped with any visitors staying with us, it would have to be a hotel, however I loved showing off my baby and wanted people to come as soon as possible!

I'm actually a bit glad of covid restrictions this time! I do have to say my usually irritating and bad guest in-laws were quite respectful of our time however my father who I don't see for months at a time popped up in the maternity ward (I put in a complaint to the hospital!). Some of my friends just popped round after checking first, bought food and just stayed a short time which was lovely. Some invited themselves and stayed for ages which was exhausting! This time I want to be confident getting the baby to latch on for a feed and past the heaviest bleeding before I see anyone. This might be two days or it might be over a week.

I'm not due until August, but I'm hoping for it just to be me and my husband on the ward, then a few days alone before seeing my parents and his parents.
My mum has a habit of making everything about her so somewhat dreading that first interaction. I definitely don't want her to come to the hospital.
However his parents are lovely and thoughtful and will likely bring food(!) so will be very welcome after we've had a couple of days to adjust.
After that I'm planning most meet n greets to be opportunities/reasons to get out of the house in those first weeks (if allowed!), rather than worrying about what a state the place is in! Fortunately none of my friends are the pop over without notice types!!

I would hate for anyone to turn up
Unannounced on a normal day, never mind after giving birth!
Unfortunatley all family on both sides (bar my sister) live far away so popping in for an hour isn't really an option.
I think I might have to enforce the stay in a hotel rule until we are properly settled.

We really thought we wanted a week or so to ourselves but in the end had family the day after we got back from hospital and then friends or family nearly every day for 4 weeks. It was so nice having people over and no one ever outstayed their welcome. Most people also brought food which is never a bad thing. I'm really hoping we'll be able to do the same again this time around.

Whoever you like! There aren't any rules so just go with how you feel. I have to say, I'm not super close with my in-laws to be, but I was SO happy when they visited for a weekend and I was a mess with no sleep and no confidence in my parenting abilities. They were so reassuring I would silently beg them to stay every time they left to go back to their hotel of an evening!

No right or wrong here hun, do what is right for you, and you might not know what that is until you are at that point. After we had my son we had non stop visitors and to be honest we found it all a bit much and ended up asking for days just by ourselves. That’s not to say our families weren’t incredibly helpful, and we really appreciated their support, but we had relatives coming we rarely ever see and that was a bit much. sometimes you just want some time with your little family. Next time I will probably let people come visit but it will most definitely be on my terms and I will not be afraid to say if I want some peace. You won’t ever get that time back so definitely be confident in what feels right for you and your baby, your family should understand. Congrats ☺️

I'm lucky because almost all of our family members life within a 90 minute drive, so we didn't need to put anyone up.
I think if anyone wanted to come from further away, I would arrange for them to stay with a local relative or recommend an air B&B for them, I wouldn't even suggest that they came to stay with us. No way.

Very newborn babies tend to sleep a lot. Apart from cry. Having people over to coo over them is kind of the only way you have fun at that stage.
Ask everyone who comes to being food.

I would definitely encourage them to stay in a nearby hotel when they are able to visit. Hopefully they respect your boundaries, but they are probably very excited and you might find it lovely to see them bonding with your new baby. Also, grandparents can be a godsend for holding baby while you have a nap! Perhaps if/when they do come to stay (hopefully nearby not at your house) you could message them with some nice things to do in the area so they get the hint that they won't be at your house the whole time!