I really need some help making a decision..

[Gavalaaa]

I'm in a really bad place, and I need someone who isn't involved to help me come to a decision fast.
I have a 5 year old and me and DP decided to try for another. It took a while and I really wanted it, to the point seeing pregnancy announcements were getting me down. Put a strain on our relationship, which if I'm being honest isn't the best as it is.
I found out I'm pregnant last month. It was like something changed in me when I found out and I think I was happy for about an hour then this awful anxiety kicked in. I am phobic about being sick and for some reason I've got myself so anxious and scared about being sick this time that I'm barely eating, and when I do - I feel sick (I'm now 8 weeks)
Ive gone as far as moving back in with my parents as I can't function. DP is now saying he wanted the baby but if this is how life is going to be it's maybe best I abort. He is very short tempered lately and hasn't even tried talking to me really. We barely speak. He says it's not fair on anyone me keeping it if it's making me like this. I went as far as ringing MSI and I just have to let them know if I want a medical or a surgical abortion. The thought of it feels like a relief but then I see photos of babies and think would I regret throwing in the towel.
But part of me is thinking I'm 32.. am I throwing something away that I'll regret? I'm so confused. Or will I end up being a single mum of 2?
Any help or advice would be appreciated.

I’d say that you need to speak to your G.P if your phobia is causing you not to eat, you may need to see a specialist. The fear of the sickness seems to be controlling you. Have you actually been sick? I’d ask your partner to go with you to the appointment / I’m not sure how they’re conducting appointments due to covid but perhaps he could be there when you ring.
From what you say you want a baby, so it doesn’t make sense to abort in my opinion- but of course it’s ultimately up to you.
How were you with your first pregnancy? Your partner is probably very confused and doesn’t know what to do or how to help you.

@Suzi888

I’d say that you need to speak to your G.P if your phobia is causing you not to eat, you may need to see a specialist. The fear of the sickness seems to be controlling you. Have you actually been sick? I’d ask your partner to go with you to the appointment / I’m not sure how they’re conducting appointments due to covid but perhaps he could be there when you ring. From what you say you want a baby, so it doesn’t make sense to abort in my opinion- but of course it’s ultimately up to you. How were you with your first pregnancy? Your partner is probably very confused and doesn’t know what to do or how to help you.

It really is controlling me, and taking over my life. I have just felt sick so far touchwood, but I'm not 8 weeks until Tuesday so I keep thinking it's bound to happen? I really did want another, but it was like as soon as I found out all rational thinking disappeared and my phobia has taken over. I had a terrible year last year, among other things my sister died and I'm wondering if TTC was just a way for me to try to hide my grief and have something to focus on. I was fine with my other pregnancy, I had a few days where I felt sick and had a panic but other than that I was ok - worked full time until 35 weeks, went on holiday twice.. I feel like I was a completely different person x

You may very well still be grieving, I’m sorry about your sister.
I wonder if hypnotherapy may help with the sick feelings? I’m not sure how practical that would be with covid.
Each pregnancy is different, but your worried about sickness seem to be the overriding factor in your decision. You need to talk to your partner and your doctor I think, there may be other factors at play which they’ll be able to help you with.
You may feel sick because you have eaten so little. Are you managing fluids?
Remember your hormones are also raging at the moment, so you aren’t in your right mind/may be emotional due to that too.
I hope someone else will come along soon with better advice.

OP I’d definitely talk to your GP and try to get some therapy ASAP. It sounds like you’ve had a nightmare of a past year with such an awful thing in loosing your sister and with all this other shit going on you won’t have had time to process.
It sounds like you did really want another baby. Could it be some sort of fear of loss linked to your sister that’s making you feel distant from the baby and push it away somehow?
There are 2 different things here:

1. your pregnancy 2) the baby at the end of it. Pregnancy is so short term in the scheme of things and even if you did get sickness most doesn’t last much beyond first trimester.

The baby is the long term result at the end. That sounds like you did really want, and want a sibling for your DC. Don’t worry about your age, but think perhaps more about the age gap between siblings you’d be happy with?

Thank you both so much for your advice and support. I still haven't come to a decision, I keep changing my mind from one day to the next and I'm so confused.

And remember you are 2/3 through that first trimester! If you can do this for 4 more weeks, then maybe you can start believing the sickness has gone - for most it does. For me, it disappears between 9 and 10 weeks, and if you book an abortion it might take that long!
I really think you need to see a specialist to deal with the phobia before you make decisions about an abortion, tbh, but I understand that may not be viable on a reasonable timescale.
Maybe think of ways to trick yourself to eat? In my first pregnancy I had an aversion to water and drinking it made me horrifically sick, but I eventually found the workaround that I could eat fruit and ice!

I'm so sorry you're struggling with this
Putting aside your phobia etc and playing devil's advocate - if you miscarried would you feel relief? If the answer is a heartfelt yes then perhaps you're not in the right place for another baby at the moment.

@sorryiasked

I'm so sorry you're struggling with this Putting aside your phobia etc and playing devil's advocate - if you miscarried would you feel relief? If the answer is a heartfelt yes then perhaps you're not in the right place for another baby at the moment.

I think putting aside my phobia maybe I would be able to deal with everything a bit better. But I have had a few small bleeds and part of me has thought I hope it's the start of a miscarriage because then at least it's taken out of my hands and I could feel better by telling myself it just wasn't meant to be x