Boyfriend wants me to get an abortion- I need advice

[zaraa123]

Hi guys

I’ve spent the past 3 days since I learned I was pregnant reading and reading through these forums and thought it was time to ask for advice myself.

I had a positive result on 5 home tests on Monday. It was a complete shock- I’ve been having unprotected sex (the pill has never, ever mixed well with me and we monitored my cycle carefully) with my partner for the duration of our 2 year relationship and have never gotten pregnant before. We had resided ourselves to the fact that we weren’t compatible and that we would need some assistance in the future when we were ready to start a family.

Something told me to take a test, I’m not due my period for another 3 days, so I was sure that the symptoms I’ve been experiencing were PMT but that weird little voice in the back of my head made me do one and here I am, 5 positives down and pretty shocked and confused.

For context, I am 23 and I live with my partner who is 25. I am self employed (pandemic!) and he is in a Band 5 NHS job. I’m studying to complete my degree through the Open University and am yet to start the career path that I want to end up on. We live in a private rental and don’t struggle financially- but could be more secure. Dating suggests I am 3 weeks + 5 days pregnant.

Straight away I was told to get an abortion. No discussion, no conversation but lots of shouting and crying from both ends. He told me that I am ‘baby-trapping him’ (bold statement from a man who has knowingly had unprotected sex for 2 years) and that it would ruin his life to have a baby. He says that if I keep our baby I’m not allowed to continue my work (I make a very good wage through a non-explicit adult website), during or after my pregnancy- leaving me without an income. I gave him space for a day and he is more open to talking now, but still holds firm on his opinions. He seems to be unwilling to see any positives- just that having a baby with somebody he loves is the end of the world.

My mind changes every minute. I am surrounded by the most supportive family that you could ask for, and am absolutely certain I could do it on my own. But I don’t WANT to do it on my own. Like most women, I’ve thought about my first pregnancy for most of my adult life and imagined all the highs and lows with somebody that I love by my side.

In my eyes I only have 3 options:
-Get an abortion to make him happy but it’s not what I want to do. Ultimately I know our relationship wouldn’t survive this anyway due to the feelings of resentment I’d have towards him.
-Keep my baby, stop working by his request and struggle financially with him reluctantly by my side (with the hope that he will eventually come round).
-Keep my baby, tell him where to go and manage on my own. I could continue work, I would have the support of my family but I wouldn’t have the moments of joy to share with the baby’s father.

In an ideal world, during the next few weeks I will be able to come to terms with an abortion myself. If I were to go down that route, I would have to do it for ME. Not for him. That’s the only way I would be able to live with myself. But right now- I can’t see that happening.

I don’t want to lose my partner and I don’t want to make him feel like he’s trapped, but I personally feel that I’m ready to be a mum. Life hasn’t dealt me the kindest of hands, and having the opportunity to pour all my love into a little human seems to be the calling I’ve been waiting for for such a long time.

I’m not really sure what I’m asking of you lovely people. I think I just needed to get it all out and get some outside opinions. Thanks all.

You would both have known the rhythm method isn't reliable.

It sounds as if you'd have family support to help, if you kept the baby.

& If it took 2 years to get pregnant via using the (unreliable) rhythm method that's more so reason to keep your baby.

Get rid of your boyfriend he's not on your team. & don't be a martyr about him paying child maintenance.

I agree he seems like a prick- happy to have unprotected sex but crying when low and behold your pregnant.

If that was my 23 year old self, I’d have an abortion as I wouldn’t want to be a single mum at that age. Having a baby is a lifelong commitment and it’s hard work and not to be gone in to lightly.

But you’re not me so you’ve got to go what you feel is right. Don’t think it will make your relationship stronger though, became it’s highly likely the end if it. He’s made his feelings clear.

Good luck with whatever you decide

OP kids are a lot of work. I’m sure you know this. You say you have a supportive family: this is the time to ask for help. Your bf sounds disengaged right now. He might come around. Then again he might not. Could you spend a week or so with family so you can feel loved and looked after at this early stage? Might give you and bf some time to properly think forward. But in no case should you feel pressured to abort. Nor should you give up work. Not unless you 100% believe that’s right for YOU. Sending courage. xx

End the relationship, his reaction to your pregnancy tells you everything you need to know about what an arsehole he is.

Then contact BPAS or Marie Stopes and ask about counselling, I believe they offer it for women like you who are unsure about what to do and need to talk it through with someone impartial and professional who won't pressure you either way.

FWIW I would end the pregnancy but not because he wants it, because I myself wouldn't choose to continue a pregnancy in this situation. But if you decide to continue the pregnancy, that is a valid choice, I just think it would be better for you and the baby not to have his involvement.

Oh and btw there is a "pregnancy choices" section if you would prefer to get the thread moved to there.

Best of luck.

Whatever you decide, don’t choose a path gives him control over you financially.

“ but it’s not what I want to do”

There’s your answer. You want the baby, so carry on. If you abort, you’ll regret it. If he’s not happy with the decesion, his loss. He’s 25, not a naive teenager. He knows what unprotected sex (however careful) can lead to.

I absolutely feel for you. I have had an abortion before and I don't regret it, it was the right thing to do in the circumstances but it was my decision completely no one else's. It was one of the hardest things I've done and even after 4 years it's hard to think about.

You and only you can make that decision because it's a decision you will have to live with for the rest of your life.

As for your partner he has shown qualities that make him entirely unsuitable for you. And that's hard when you love him. But he doesn't feel the same. This is your most vulnerable time and he is telling you to quit your job and that you have ruined his life. If it was me I would be thinking well you don't see our relationship having a future, you are ashamed of the work I do ( it's ok if I'm your girlfriend but not as the mother of your child)

I would make your decision based on him not being in your life. Which isn't easy when it's supposed to be the happiest time of your life

This twat is working for NHS so definitely knew how babies are made.
Like others have said, LTB and, if you want, have your baby with the help of your family.
Whatever decision you make, make it for yourself.

Will you actually be able to work (or at least as much as you do now) during your pregnancy? I can understand his concerns about it.

How long do you have left on your OU course?

This is your decision, not his. Do you want to do this seeing as he won't be around?

Get rid of him. You are worth far more than that loser would like you to think.
I parented alone at the same age as you, and I had very little support. You can do this.

Coming from experience, I fell pregnant when I was 24 and I was on the pill. Both had ok jobs and rented privately too. It was with my current partner, we were both absolutely sure the abortion was what we wanted. I was adamant, as was he. However as soon as the first tablet was taken (medical abortion) I regretted it. I’ve regretted it everyday since. We are still together and we are lucky we got through it together.

What i’m trying to say is whatever you think you may want to do, just take a deep breath and really think it over. Do this for you and nobody else (including him). Take a few days for yourself and reach out to someone you really trust and is supportive with no agenda.

Take care of yourself. You say you have supportive family around you, that’s fantastic. Sending hugs, I know this exact feeling❤️

Sounds like he's quite controlling. I agree with the others.

Your whole op sounds like you really want this baby, so I'd keep it and tell him either he comes to terms with it or bye 👋

My partner had a baby with an ex he said that he'd prefer her to have an abortion because they weren't together. But he supported her decision to keep the baby and is the best dad.

It could just be a shock to him, but ultimately it is your decision at the end of the day. And it's you that'll have the experience of the abortion not him.

My gut feel is that he is controlling (wanting you to stop work etc) and I would want to be out of that relationship if I was you and away from the baby.

Whatever you decide make sure it's right for you.

Wishing you all the luck

I’d get rid of him to start. But also perhaps take into account the fact he doesn’t want a child, it’s fine saying yeah I’ll keep it and go no contact but there’s also the impact on the child to consider, being without a dad, regardless of situation can be hard and confusing as a young child and as you get older. I grew up with divorced parents, a useless dad who didn’t really want us and it hurt. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have the child, if you feel you can give them a fulfilling life where they won’t miss the input of their dad then go for it, my mother did a fantastic job and I wouldn’t be without her! She made up for his shortfalls. Make sure you leave him off the birth certificate. It’ll cause so much agro. And if you have a good support system there’s no reason you can’t go it alone. Good luck :)

As others have said, you want this baby. So continue with the pregnancy.
Do not allow him to pressure you into an abortion when you quite likely will not be together in the near future anyway.
If I were in your shoes, I would have the baby and never look back. Fuck him and his disgusting attitude.

I agree with other posters that it sounds like the relationship is doomed either way. So it’s really now your choice. I was in a similar situation aged 22 still at uni, but couldn’t deal with the idea of raising now ex-bfs child. Even if the relationship is over and he has limited contact, you would still be linked forever by the child. You’re still young! FWIW I ended up waiting until I met someone who wanted kids with me and not just for the sake of it, managed to have our DC when I was late 30s. It’s great to hear you have support, best of luck either way, you will make the right choice!

It's the boyfriend who needs to go for a start, regardless the decision you make about the baby.
He won't allow you to work before or after birth? Who the fuck does he think he is?

Do you want to have this baby? It is your body and 100% your decision.
Tbh you did well to go 2 years with no protection. He's an idiot if he thought this wouldn't happen eventually.

Why would it be a complete shock to find out you’re pregnant after having unprotected sex. The only shock is it hasn’t happened in the previous two years. You’ve both been irresponsible and he can hardly accuse you of trapping him either.
Give yourself time and space from him to decide what to do. Hopefully you have people in real life that care about you and can support you, whatever you decide to do. Don’t be put under pressure one way or the other.

Thank you so very much to everybody for your thoughtful responses. I wish I had the headspace right now to reply and thank everybody.

When I say it was a shock- I of course knew it was a possibility. But as a young, healthy non-smoker who rarely drinks I had planted the seed in my head that if it hadn’t happened by now- it never would. Is that a naive thought? Absolutely and I’m accepting my half of the responsibility here 100%. It’s the him not accepting his that is the issue to me.

I am certainly not going to make any decisions based on his opinions and am confident I’ll find the courage to do the right thing for me and nobody else.

Immediate future plans, I’ll definitely be going elsewhere to give both of us the space I think we need. It’s not an easy thought losing somebody important to you whether they’re being a twat or not. Luckily, I have the luxury of time to think and come to the best decision.

It’s not in my nature to be malicious and if I were to continue with this pregnancy, would in no way force or manipulate him to be part of either of our lives. I was used as a pawn in my parents divorce and would never, ever put an innocent child in that position. In my eyes- once he’s out, he’s out. Is that fair?

Again, thanks for letting me empty the contents of my head onto here and sharing your stories with me. A have a few family members (my sister and my aunt) that know the situation but their opinion will always lean in my favour no matter how unbiased they try to be. Complete impartial advice from ‘strangers’ is what I need/ed.

@zaraa123 you are saying once he’s out, he’s out. I’m not sure of the context you mean here, is it from the relationship or the child’s life?
But he will always have the right to have access to the child, that is something to consider. And also he would be liable to pay maintenance towards the childs upkeep.

When I say it was a shock- I of course knew it was a possibility. But as a young, healthy non-smoker who rarely drinks I had planted the seed in my head that if it hadn’t happened by now- it never would. Is that a naive thought?

But why on earth did you start in the first place?!

But yeah, he sounds like a complete dick. It's your body, make the decision that is right for you and don't be swayed by his 'allowances'.

It happened to me. Except he offered me a payment to terminate and then a holiday. I finished with him and had my daughter and raised her alone. I would do it again.

However in your case I would terminate the relationship and decide if YOU want the baby. If you do- you then have different choices. A single parent is not an easy life.

Whatever you decide to do now, next time you choose to have sex, be an adult and use contraception.

How on earth did you get into a situation where you were regularly having unprotected sex and you hadn't had a conversation about what would happen if you got pregnant!? Neither of you sound mature enough to be parents tbh, but you are where you are so now you need to decide what you can leave with.

You poor love. It sounds like a very stressful situation. You've got decent advice so far. Forget about him for a minute.

Realistically this is about you.

The question here is, what do you WANT to do? Ask yourself what you feel in your heart.

Take courage.

[quote TheFoz]@zaraa123 you are saying once he’s out, he’s out. I’m not sure of the context you mean here, is it from the relationship or the child’s life?
But he will always have the right to have access to the child, that is something to consider. And also he would be liable to pay maintenance towards the childs upkeep.[/quote]
All of this!

We all make mistakes about contraception at times I'm sure. Making comments about being naive isn't very helpful.

My brother and sister in law were in the same situation. They had unprotected sex for 2 years not 'trying' for a baby and when it happened it was a shock because like you they also thought if it was going to happen it would have & they spoke about going to a fertility doctor when they were ready to have a child.

Good for you about not being malicious, my parents were divorced they were great but I hear and see so many separated couples at war over their kids and its sad because its the child that's affected, not just the parent.

I also completely understand about how hard it is to leave someone you love even when you know they've done something wrong. When I left a bad relationship my family were an amazing support and sounds like you have that too.

Also it's easy for us that aren't in the situation to say, leave him, but it might be a one off, he might just be scared. Only you know if that's genuine maliciousness towards you and if it is then I'm sure your aunt/sister will be there to support you.

What ever you decide to do will be the best for the baby so don't forget that.