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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Newborn custody

17 replies

Meggy24 · 16/02/2021 20:38

Ill try and cut a long story short. I was with my ex for approx 3 months before i found out he was chetaing on me by messaging other girls ect, found out i was pregnant end of November 2020, we tried to make a go of it again but he was messaging other girls again. Mid January he turned around to me and said he wasnt sure he wanted to be in babies life or ready to be a dad again(he has an almost 2 y/o from previous relationship who he sees 1 day a week but doesnt really watch his mother does it all. He didnt know what food to give her or what clothes size or shoes size ect. He doesnt know how to put her down to sleep as his mother does everything) . He really suffers from mental health issues and has attempted suicide twice since ive known him. When we broke up he was very manipulative to me telling me he was going to go and commit and it would be 'our little secret'. he refused to get help from the doctors and said he would deal with alone when i said i wanted proof he had tried to get better. He recently messgaed me saying hes still not ready to be a dad again, but will be in a month(how, how can he know that) and saying "its a good thing were not talking as im going to go off the rails soon" . Basically im worried hes going to be in and out of babies life and could almost cause more harm than good. Him and his mother never stick to his daughters routine or anything when shes there and I dont want to mess up this babies routine once they arrive.
Will i be taken to court or anything if i dont put him on birth certificate or let him have access to the baby. He is a very manipulative person and compulsive liar and believe he wouldnt watch the baby it would be his mother. I really want to breastfeed and he wouldnt be happy if i said he couldnt take baby away from my home.

OP posts:

bubs765 · 16/02/2021 21:26

Don't put him on the birth certificate, that way you have a lot more control. As soon as he's on that document he has legal rights, don't let him guilt trip you into putting him on there either. Just because he is biological father doesn't mean he should be on it x

dementedpixie · 16/02/2021 21:28

He couldn't be on the birth certificate unless he went to the appointment with you as you are not married.

bubs765 · 16/02/2021 21:29

Sorry i see that's not what you asked really. I'm not sure if you can be taken to court if you decide not to put him on the certificate but I would assume he would need to provide a dna test. It doesn't sound like he would have the money or even want to go through the hassle of all this anyway. Someone will be along shortly with more knowledge around this x

Wishitsnows · 16/02/2021 21:29

Don't put him on the birth certificate and give your child your surname.

Tryingtobehelpfulmama · 16/02/2021 21:30

Hiya I don't know anything about the legal side but seems like you have a lot on your plate, sending lots of love your way. Just thought I'd comment on your point about breastfeeding - I think breastfeeding or not, when you have an infant moving heaven and hell wouldn't be enough to pry a little one away from a new mum. It just wouldn't be in the little ones best interest, which is what courts are interested in and also it would be distressing for you. I think longer term if he still wanted to see your baby it could end up in court. If he's not bothered then he might not even bother taking it that far but I'm sure ultimately he has a right to see his baby if he wants to and if he can prove he's not a danger to them

Wishitsnows · 16/02/2021 21:30

If you are not married he has to be present to register the birth so you can't put him on there

dementedpixie · 16/02/2021 21:30

Dearymesheila · 16/02/2021 21:32

You need to move away and not tell him where you’ve gone. Block him

intheenddoesitreallymatter · 16/02/2021 21:34

Don't put him on the birth certificate.

That way he has to go through court. No court would order a newborn to be taken away from the Mother so their feeding schedules are impacted.

Tell him he can visit an afternoon a week and if he sticks to that he can have his visitation increased.

Congratulations on your lovely baby OP!

BertieBotts · 16/02/2021 21:38

Don't put him on.

If he wants to be on it, he can make an application through court - this is not the same as taking you to court.

Wait and see what he actually asks for. But if he does go to court for access, don't worry, it is not like they will order 50/50 for a newborn! It would be little and often increasing to longer stretches when she gets older. And he would also be liable for paying maintenance, so that might put him off as well.

FlowerTink · 16/02/2021 21:42

Don't put him on the birth certificate, give the baby your last name and don't offer him to see the baby. That way he'll have to go through court, and he might not be bothered with the hassle of it all.

PFin · 17/02/2021 04:24

Really tbh by the sounds of if he might not even bother with you and baby. If your really sure maybe you could try really reducing contact on your end, just reply short to the point if he contacts you but it could just fizzle out to your benifit. His mental health isnt on you, he didnt treat you very well and you've urged him to seek help, youve done your part.

Thack · 17/02/2021 04:41

From your description, he does sound manipulative and untrustworthy.

Messaging others like that is not acceptable.
Playing the suicide card when things are going wrong always sets alarm bells for me. I sympathise with anyone genuinely going through it, but often it's used (subconsciously perhaps) as emotional blackmail to keep partners where the person wants them to be.

Hopefully someone here can advise you on dad's rights. Seems like you have the right idea to not allow access for your own sanity and for your child's wellbeing.

Kakapop · 17/02/2021 07:40

Keep a diary of what he says and does. I expect this might be useful if you end up in court.

And please look after yourself xx

partyatthepalace · 17/02/2021 07:55

Bloody hell, he sounds like a nightmare.

Don't put him on the birth cert - you don't have to. If he wants to be put on it, he can go to court to be put on it, but sounds very unlikely he'd get to that.

However, I would start keeping a diary of all his behaviours from now on (and note what's happened up till now), so if he does get himself put on the certificate, and applies for access it will be clear how limited his abilities as a parent are. But no court will grant him overnight stays when your child is a baby - he would have to work around you and your feeding regime - so don't worry about that.

Good luck. And block him - he sounds extraordinarily manipulative so if it's hard for you to untangle your feelings from him, check out the Freedom programme.

micc · 17/02/2021 08:11

Dont put him on the Birth certificate.
Do not give the baby his last name!! And just cut him out! Trust me, you'll be better off. It must be confusing and hard for his daughter already. I would hate to put my baby through that. You dont need that kind of stress and neither does a child. You are better off starting a fresh.

AnnLouiseB · 17/02/2021 09:36

Don’t put him on the birth certificate, and don’t actively facilitate access. If it means that much to him he can pursue it himself, but even if he does there is no way the court will grant him custody of a newborn. The best he could hope for for a long time would be to spend time with her with you there.

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