I don't think my Dad is pleased that I'm pregnant.. feel shit

[Sprockerdilerock]

I cant explain it but when I told him there was just this look on his face of pure shock like his face fell a bit. He quickly covered it up and acted delighted but I cant shake that initial expression from my mind.

My dad was a good dad, but I think he would have been happier leaving kids until later. He is a bit of a free spirit and loves to travel and have fun. I've always been quite similar but I'm 27 and married now so things are settling down.

I feel like he would have been more excited if I'd announced I was off on a round the world trip or something.

It's just made me feel really awful and like I'm letting him down.

Has anyone else had a not quite what they were hoping for reaction from a parent? How do I get over it?

From what you describe i just see a normal reaction from someone who just didn't expect such news and needed a minute to process!

It sounds like you are scared of disappointing him by starting a family because of how HE is (free spirit etc). But that's him. Not you.

Also, unless he clearly said to you or made comments i wouldn't assume he thinks anything negative.

But if you are really worried, you should just ask him how he feels about becoming a grand dad or something like that.

Agree with Sunny. He probably just needed a moment to process

When I was pregnant was dc1, the first grandchild, my dad was very non-plussed. When DH asked him if he was excited to be a Granda, he confessed that it didn’t feel real yet. I started to grow a bump and he got more excited, but was still very restrained until dd arrived safe and well as he’s a real worrier.

Then it was like The Second Coming, I’ve never seen a baby so doted on.

Sorry you feel this way.
Me and my partner both work full time, have our own home, car ect. And when I told my Mum I was pregnant, her response was "And how do you expect to afford that?! I won't be telling your step Dad yet. He won't be pleased"

Whilst it does suck, I know it's what I want and it makes me happy and that's the most important thing. It's my life and not hers

Are you in the middle of professional exams or training?

Settled with a nice partner and financially secure?

He may just be concerned if not

I think I’d be more concerned about your need for his approval. This is an extreme extent. To feel like you’ve let him down and now feel shit. All because of a fleeting look. I think that’s something you need to address.

Probably just a fleeting moment of realising you aren’t his baby anymore. Congratulations on your news

I saw my mum kick my dad under the table when I told them I was pregnant , my partner was unsuitable and I think my dad’s face said it all , until mum kicked him and he rearranged his features.

Or that he just realised that you are having sex. I mean of course he knows just that he would never have thought of it, now he has to think of it and you will always be his little girl?

If he's a 1st time grandad then it'll just be the initial realisation that his baby girl is no longer his baby girl. I know my husband will be in complete denial that our girls have grown up until they are expecting their own babies lol.

Do you know, if my DD ever gets pregnant (hopefully no time soon as she's a teen) I'll have to mediate my reaction too, even if its perfect timing when she's in an ideal situation. Its normal for a parent to worry about a daughter about to go through the physical rigours and risks of pregnancy and childbirth and deal with the career hurdles and sexism and other challenges pregnancy and motherhood bring...

I'd actually prefer a balanced response than a parent so eager for grandchildren that you're being nagged to provide them...

As others said your dad needed a minute to process what his daughter is embarking on and how your life is changing. It doesnt mean he isn't going to be besotted with his grandchildren.

@Bluntness100

I think I’d be more concerned about your need for his approval. This is an extreme extent. To feel like you’ve let him down and now feel shit. All because of a fleeting look. I think that’s something you need to address.

This. You're an adult. This is a bit of an extreme need for approval based on one fleeting look that you've (over)interpreted, no?

Your parents are not going to approve or agree with everything you do in your life.

Panic thinking he's not ready to be a grandfather?
He tried to control his immediate reaction.
Please don't dwell on that fleeting moment.
Congratulations

You shouldn't frame it all around what your dad wants. I assume this was you and your partner's choice. That comes ahead of what your dad wants. It's not his life, it's yours!

Sometimes 'free spirit' types are a bit shocked to think of themselves as grandparents. Doesn't fit with the 'forever young and carefree' ideal. The look on his face may have been a moment of 'shit, I'm not young anymore' dawning. He'll get over it.

I too think you need to look more deeply into why this has affected you so much, especially given it wasn’t a significant negative reaction.
He likely was just surprised, it’s very big news after all.

If he is a 'free spirit' ie young at heart and still in his prime in his view - then being a Grandpa probably wasn't on the cards. It can be a shock to realise you are THAT old.

But I'm sure he'll come round and if he is fit and able thoroughly enjoy keeping up with a toddler.

Thanks for all the responses. I slept terribly last night so I think its fair to say I'm slightly cranky and overthinking it!

But I think @Butterymuffin and @PinkyParrot have it spot on tbh!

My dad went completely still and silent. Then he got up and left the room. Mum was astonished by our news and at dad's reaction. There was no ill-feeling, just shock at dad's reaction.

Then he came back into the room with a bottle of champagne. And it was as if that strange moment of silence had never happened. It was all joy and concern for me.

Dad doesn't show his deep emotions easily, and I think he needed a few moments to process the news and his reaction.

I think they were shocked because dp and I were not married at the time, and had never talked to them about our plans for our future. So this was utterly unexpected news.

Ultimately it was absolutely fine. Love and care and doting grandparents.

When I announced I was expecting DS my parents had not seen the news coming. We were 30, had careers, own house, together 4yrs. I swear tumble weed blew across the living room. I was mortified. DM said she just thought we would be married first and hadn’t even thought I wanted kids! DF said congratulations through clenched teeth. Next day there was some excitement and by the next visit 6 weeks later DM had knitted a huge box of baby clothes. The lack of marriage is never mentioned and she thinks I’m a great DM! They are fab GPs despite living over 4-5hrs apart. I think they just needed time to get their heads round it. I also think for all DPs it is a reminder of their age, they’ll be grandparents. Makes them feel old? I was hurt at the time by their reaction but the past 2 decades have made me realise their actions over that time are more important than how they reacted late one Friday night when we surprised them!

Apparently my grandma’s words when my mum announced she was pregnant with me were ‘Oh, I’m so sorry’. My parents had been together for 6+ years, married for 3, they were almost 30 and had decent jobs.

My grandma already had 2 grandkids and loved spending time with them. My mum lived in a different country so it wasn’t even because she thought she’d be used for childcare. Some parents just react weirdly. I know my mum will be the opposite because she’s been asking when am I having kids since I turned 18 😂

@Crockof

Or that he just realised that you are having sex. I mean of course he knows just that he would never have thought of it, now he has to think of it and you will always be his little girl?

This.

Perhaps dads sometimes find it difficult to get their heads round the blatant evidence that their little girl is a grown-up and having sex.

My dad went quiet, my mum burst into tears, I was 34 , married, owned our home, both had secure professional jobs. I didn't get the reaction at all.
Then my dad said 'what sorry I didn't hear properly what's going on, why is your mother crying' (he has hearing difficulties) , we laughed told him again and he was over the moon, mum was crying because she'd been worried it might not happen for us (I had diagnosed fertility issues) and it seems it caused her a lot more concern than it did me, we had a plan B which involved a boat that I was actually quite looking forward to... So the news and shock that it had happened so quickly just made her cry.
So don't worry about the surface level reaction, I'm sure he's pleased for you, he might just not quite be ready to be called grandpa!

When my DD and son in law announced my daughter was pregnant I probably reacted exactly the same way, but I'm not keen on my son in law (she doesn't know that).

I wouldn't worry too much. Even if he does have concerns about you "settling down", I imagine he'll be absolutely delighted by the time the baby comes.

After all, even for many mothers, realising they're pregnant starts with an "Oh shit!". Almost all are very excited to meet their baby when they arrive .