35 weeks.. and I am feeling a little resentful(vent).

[Kiyentai]

So I am going to assume that what I am feeling is normal. I am currently 35 weeks to the day, and being comfortable at night is becoming more and more difficult. Generally in one night I will shift between the bed, couch or recliner.. depending on how I am feeling. My hips are starting to hurt and so is my lower back (where I have 2 bulging discs), the pain scares the crap out of me because I know how painful those discs can be (I have been paralyzed before from my waist to my knees for about 20 minutes.. the most excruciating pain of my life), and I worry about it affecting my baby and the delivery. My husband nor my OB doesn't seem to grasp that fear.. maybe because they haven't experienced that pain, I dunno.

But I am starting to feel a little resentful. My husband goes to bed every night around 9 pm.. he does get up earlier for work, but so do I. We both work FT although currently, I work from home due to COVID. But he always talks about how tired he is or how he doesn't get enough sleep. The other night he slept out on the couch with me at my request(as I do miss sleeping next to him) and he was complaining the next day how uncomfortable it is for him and he would like to go back to the bed..and it just makes my inner eye twitch because I have to sleep on that dang couch almost every night so that I can be somewhat comfortable and it keeps my sleeping on my sides for our baby. I thought maybe he would appreciate me sleeping out in the living room a little more.

He also recently told me that I snore and I have never snored before and he said it is normal through pregnancy. But he said that I snore loudly and it makes it hard for 'him' to sleep. I was so embarrassed, I cried, and he told me I was "making a mountain out of a mole hill."

It's not like he treats me badly, he is very supportive, caring and loving and I try to be mindful of that.. but when he starts whining about being tired or sore, or he didn't sleep well, or he's "worn out" I just stare at him because I have to wake up every couple of hours, or I won't fall asleep until late because I'm uncomfortable etc. Does anyone else feel like this in the third trimester? I know there is not a lot I can do about it but I just want to wake his ass up every couple of hours so he knows the sacrifice I am making. :/

Welcome to the world of being a parent!

My advice would be that the quicker you get over tthe resentment the easier your life will be.

Even in the most even split of marriages having a baby is far more exhausting for the mum.

If you have a DH who is thoughtful and kind and recognises that, it's great. Most often though they don't!

Good luck with your baby.

You’re pregnant and hormonal but it seems like whatever he does isn’t good enough. I think it was nice of him for sleeping on the sofa to keep you company despite having a perfectly good bed! I also agree with the above about getting a handle on the feeling of resentment. If you think you’re tired now wait until the baby is here. You need to be a team and be kind to each other not keeping score on who is most tired.

You're being irrational here, I'm afraid. It's the hormones. By all means, ask him to pick up the slack on housework etc so you can sleep, but having him be exhausted too isn't going to do you or your relationship any favours.

I've been woken every couple of hours since four months ago when my youngest was born- I breastfeed, so DH can't do the waking. It's a bit unfair, but that's biology for you, I'm afraid.

You are correct, I am aware I am being irrational hence why I am venting. Will I wake him up every couple hours? No. I am not the 'average' pregnant woman, I don't think. Because even though he DOES pick up the slack, he tells me to go sit down, kick up my feet, relax. Don't worry about making dinner, doing laundry, cleaning the kitchen.. I do like to help him with that stuff because other than growing a baby I feel pretty useless when he doesn't let me help. I don't hold me growing a baby over his head like Ive seen most women do, I still try to do my part in our marriage because In my mind.. I'm pregnant, I'm not dead and I'm capable of doing my part in the household and it gives me a sense of belonging. He let's me sleep when I'm tired and I'm very grateful, he does support me and even though I work too, he does provide. I guess I'm just a little irritated but I'm not going to punish him for wanting to sleep. Just looking for an outlet.

Wow, how big is your couch??? Ours can barely fit one adult lying down, let alone two with one being heavily pregnant!! Sorry, I know that's not the point of the thread.

Pregnancy is a pain (quite literally), and it sounds like on the whole your partner is being supportive and kind. Try not to dwell on it all - soon your baby will be here and all of this will be a fast-fading memory. And if you are unlucky enough to have a baby like my first, neither of you will be getting any sleep for the next 2 years so, honestly, don't make bedtime a battle-zone!

Congratulations on the pregnancy.

I'm in the same boat, you've not got long to go now! Can your husband sleep in another room?

If he can it just means you can toss, turn, sit up etc as much as you like without waking your DH.

This is my second pregnancy and as with our first DH has been sleeping in the spare room since 4 months, granted the spare room this time is a box room with a single bed!

It's good to recognise when we're being a bit unreasonable, but being pregnant is definitely no walk in the park. It sounds like your DH is very hands on housework wise, giving you time to relax, enjoy these times! Do your bit when you can, but try not to overdo it. As for sleeping, how about these pregnancy pillows? Or having a bath before bed time? I find that gently lifting my straightened leg up when laying down helps with the hip pain, or putting on a hot water bottle.

You should look at pain relief and stretching measures to help ease your pregnancy discomfort. Seeing an osteopath would be a good idea and perhaps look at the balancing techniques on spinning babies and ask for advice to see if they are safe given your bulging discs. There are techniques you can use with a scarf and help from your partner to relieve hip pain. Sitting on a pregnancy ball with your knees lower than your hips will help. And in bed, get some pillows (pregnancy support pillow) to allow yourself to find comfortable lying positions to allow you to sleep better. Practice Butekyo breathing techniques to help with change in your sinuses and snoring. Even if you are not waking up snoring this will be affecting with quality of sleep.

It does sound tough and the pain combined with hormones will be playing in to how you feel.
Agree with others that having an exhausted husband won't help you feel any better. Would enjoy this time where he is able and willing to help you by picking up the slack on household duties

I'm pregnant with my second and finding sleeping uncomfortable too. Once I finally settle and get off to sleep my toddler wakes me up!

I snore terribly during the 3rd trimester - I don't at any other time. I do find that the nose strips that help with snoring/help you breath when you have a cold help a bit. In my first pregnancy my husband slept in the nursery from when I was about 6 months pregnant. Don't feel embarrassed about it. You have a growing baby pushing against your lungs when you lay down.

I'm currently 29 weeks and have awful hip pain, I'm also snoring again but the nursery is having some building work done so he has to put up with me and wear ear plugs 🤣 . It's only a few more weeks before we will both be up all night with a new born any way. We both work long hours and we are also being woken up by our 2 year old between 4:30-5am every morning 🙄.

Try not to make sleep into a competition - it will be far worse when the baby is here and you have to work as a team otherwise everything will become an argument. Both allow yourselves a little moan about it then move on. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy.

Have you told DH that it upsets you when he talks about how tired he is? I mean in a non argument kind of way, just a a genuine

‘I’m really struggling with sleep at the moment and I’m scared about my back’

‘When I’m tired it upsets me when you talk about not getting enough sleep, I’m sorry, I know it isn’t a competition but could you talk about it in a different way? Or be mindful that I wake up uncomfortable every few hours in the night. I really miss sharing a bed with you and feel quite down about it all’

That’s probably how I’d approach it with my DH, and he’d probably get the massage and complain a lot less/give me a hug/do his best to make me more comfortable.

I think him whinging about being tired and uncomfortable is unreasonable actually. Whilst I wouldn’t expect my husband to sleep on the sofa with me, I would expect him to shut the fuck up about being tired.

I’m 36 weeks this week, but this is our 4th though so my husband 100% knows the drill by now.

And p.s. some of these replies make me so sad. Why can a pregnant woman not expect more empathy from her OH when going through a physically tough time, but instead she has to check how she feels?! Both parents are going to benefit from the joy of this baby, but only one is suffering for it, the other one should 100% be more mindful of what he says/does while she is pregnant.

Why to women expect so little/think they deserve so little?!

Jeez.

Who said the woman cannot expect empathy?
Also it's not about who experiences the most "suffering", not a contest. And just because you are pregnant and doing the heavy lifting during doesn't mean you get to be a cow or validates all the negative emotions you feel.
(Not that OP is a cow at all but in general).

Her husband sounds supportive enough to also have the right to express how he feels. Or does it become a one way relationship when 3rd trimester and pains hit?
If he doesn't get a good night sleep, he will be tired. He is probably not making it up.

Two people can both be tired for different reasons. This isn't a competition.
And the husband not voicing the way he feels isn't going to fix OP's sleeping and back issues.
It sounds like he is doing a lot to make her life a little easier and for her to get some rest whenever possible.
Not like he rocks up at home after work put his feet under the table for dinner and then fucks off to bed at 9pm to say he is tired in the morning.

OP, it sounds like you have a good relationship. Your pains are serious and the lack of sleep is probably playing not helping your mood and how resentful you feel. I would be the same.
I think you are doing good at being a team. I am sure your husband doesn't complain out of malice or to belittle your own struggles.
But as someone suggested earlier, just letting him know that this whole sleep thing wears you down and hearing that he is tired is triggering for you, might make him stop mentioning it.