Planned pregnancy but I’m so unhappy, has anyone else felt like this?

[Blackbird7]

I’m new so please forgive my fumbling...

I’m 38 and this is my second, my son is nearly 20. We planned to have my coil removed and what was meant to be would be. I thought it would take longer and each month I didn’t get two lines I felt a little sad. Last year I had a test that said negative and I felt relief because my body was my own and I could not worry about it. A month later we got two pink lines and I cried. I wasn’t happy or sad I was numb and I’ve felt numb ever since. I don’t feel connected at all I feel like I’ve made a huge mistake, I’m giving up all the freedom I’ve waited 20 years for and I feel resentful. I’ve suffered so badly with Hyperemesis and finally at 10 weeks it’s under control. I hoped every day I would wake up feeling happy or excited or something but I don’t.
My partner is aware, we told his Mum and our closest friends which was a mistake because now I feel intense pressure to go along with all this. I know that I can do it, I just don’t feel like I want to.
It’s horrible, I never expected this, I was happy and looking forward to it and now I just want it all to go away. I’m hoping something goes wrong so I don’t have to make a choice which is horrible but I’m honestly so unhappy. I just cry and cry.
I’ve read about hormones and how people feel different in weeks to come but it’s getting worse day by day. I have tried to talk to my OH but he just keeps telling me I have all the support I need and I’m not on my own but I feel like I am. I’m the only one who is feeling this. If I was single I wouldn’t want to get pregnant.
What have I done? This is awful. I wish I didn’t feel like this but I do and I don’t feel it’s right to bring a child into the world this way. I cannot bare the idea of my life changing so much. My OH is naive to all this because he hasn’t had a child before. He keeps telling me that this is his last chance to have a child and that pressure is just making things worse. He keeps telling me that if I make a decision after the 12 week scan and he’s heard a heartbeat he doesn’t know how he’s going to cope with it me still not wanting this and he’ll resent me because then he’s been happy and had it all taken away by me. He just doesn’t understand I don’t feel connected to any of this I don’t feel like I want any of this and the pressure from him and his mum is making me want this even less.
I spoke to a maternity counsellor and I’m aware of processes and time limits. I just feel like I’m alone.

I had a similar feeling, my pregnancy wasn't planned but after a chat with my husband - we decided to continue with it. I had Hyperemesis for 18 weeks, was hospitalised every two weeks and very nearly had an abortion and then had problems in late pregnancy and eventually had a c section last week, everyday I was miserable and hoped I'd wake up not pregnant anymore but now my sons here, he is worth every single thing I went through. I guess the media and social pressure makes it a think we need to have a connection and love during pregnancy and that's not always the case, feelings aren't rational and it's okay not to feel connected to bump - I hope you start to feel better soon and hope you can get some help but I hope it helps knowing it's normal

@HarleyQuinn21

I had a similar feeling, my pregnancy wasn't planned but after a chat with my husband - we decided to continue with it. I had Hyperemesis for 18 weeks, was hospitalised every two weeks and very nearly had an abortion and then had problems in late pregnancy and eventually had a c section last week, everyday I was miserable and hoped I'd wake up not pregnant anymore but now my sons here, he is worth every single thing I went through. I guess the media and social pressure makes it a think we need to have a connection and love during pregnancy and that's not always the case, feelings aren't rational and it's okay not to feel connected to bump - I hope you start to feel better soon and hope you can get some help but I hope it helps knowing it's normal

This is so lovely to hear I know this is someone else’s post. However it’s very reassuring to read.

Black bird 7 I’m sorry your feeling this way, I wanted to comment as I feel very similiar.
I have pcos too and dealt with years of infertility, never understood people who took it for granted yet here I am, feeling dreadful. I’m 35, I have 3 children up till a year ago I wanted 4, however all 3 children have a diagnosis of asd and learning difficulties, 2 are in a sen school. Literally found out our youngest 5 has asd only 2 weeks ago. Now we were not ttc and it was a total shock I only tested because I felt so so sick. I still don’t really know how it happened as was using contraception. I’m hoping I will feel more positive esp once the morning sickness dies down. My youngest hates babies and dolls. 😢. I’m so worried for her. I also feel I’m starting again, there was 5 years between my eldest and youngest. There will be 6 years between this one and the youngest let alone the eldest.

I really relate to how you feel and I’m so sorry you’re feeling like this. It’s awful. I’m currently 23 weeks with a planned second baby but until 12 weeks I seriously considered terminating. I couldn’t understand why I felt this way; we’d planned this baby and suddenly I didn’t want it. I think I worried so much about how life would change and the effect a sibling would have on my 3 year old.

Thankfully after the 12 week scan I begun to feel more positive and connected to the pregnancy. I still have wobbles now where I feel it might be a mistake, but on the whole I feel very positive about the pregnancy. I really hope time is a healer for you, but please talk to your midwife about how you feel. You won’t be judged and they will be able to refer you for counselling. Wishing you all the best x

I also just want to say that if you don’t want to have this baby you have every right to do that too. There is no shame in abortion. I’ve had 2 abortions, including one after my son was born, and I don’t regret either of them. It may be worth contacting BPAS for counselling. They were amazing when I had my abortions and really helped me make the right decision for me.

Thank you for everyone for being so helpful and kind. I wanted to update for anyone who may find this thread because they have questions about this kind of experience like I did.

This is what happened in my case: I did everything I could, I got help, I took medication and I spoke about my fears to friends family & counsellors. I realised that something beyond my understanding didn’t feel right. At week 13 we had our first scan and they told us our baby had a slightly abnormal nuchal translucency result of 4mm, ( 3.5 and under is normal we were told) everything else was normal. We did all the blood tests (my age of 38 initially giving us a 1 in 200 chance of a possible chromosome problem) and with the full blood info they gave us a 1/7 chance of an actual chromosome problem. Our file actually read as a 10% chance our baby could have a problem, 90% chance we had a healthy boy. But we knew they knew more.
4 days after our first scan we had a CVS booked where they take a sample from the placenta. Again all measurements and visuals looked ok. A couple of days later sadly our tests results were positive & we found our our little boy is very poorly. My heart broke.
I hope someone who may search for this like I did finds some comfort in this because I have struggled emotionally, physically and mentally with all of this, feeling quite alone and ashamed. I knew something wasn’t right, I can’t explain it but now we have it confirmed. Our little boy possibly shouldn’t of survived as long as he did but I can only think because of all the efforts I made to rest, take medication, get counselling & go through all these tests that I did my best to keep him safe and that makes me feel like a good Mum. Sadly our little boy isn’t well enough to stay with us. The hospital have been fantastic and I cannot say how kind, understanding & just empathetic they have been.
Today every cell in my body loves this little boy and I wish things were different but I accept they’re not. I can’t say if it’s a natural way or hormones or what it’s is but I knew things weren’t ok and I did everything I could just like anyone reading this. There was a great shame in how I felt but I know now my body was telling me it was taking my life to keep him here because he’s suffering just as much as I have. My poor baby boy. It wasn’t that I didn’t love you, part of me was dying with you and now we have to let you go so we can both be out of pain.
I apologise if this is too much for some but I honestly believe I’m not the only one who might go through this & I hope this brings comfort to others.

@blackbird7 I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you have the time and support you need to grieve this sad news.

@Blackbird7 I’m so sorry. Thinking of you and sending love x

Hope you are okay OP, it sounds like you have been through a lot.

I’m so sorry for your loss and the difficulties of dealing with it.

Your little boy will be always with you.❤️

@Blackbird7 so sorry to hear this - thank you for the update and the honesty, it might help someone else and it's a really kind thing you've done even though it's painful.
Sending love xx