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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

I don't know what to do

23 replies

temporaryname1234 · 02/02/2021 09:57

I am so confused and lost at the moment. I'm pregnant and booked in to start a medical abortion tomorrow (from home). It was an accidental pregnancy, my husband doesn't want a baby and I don't know if I want a baby. I feel so ashamed and guilty and sad, on paper there's no reason to not have the baby. We have good jobs, have a nice house and I'm not getting any younger (35). Have no other children. My husband is being lovely and not trying to push me one way or another but how can I go ahead with this when I know it's not what he wants and I'm not even sure if it's what I want. I'm also terrified about actually having the termination and the guilt is just eating away at me. I feel too ashamed to talk to anyone other than my husband and I don't think he fully gets how I feel. I'm an absolute mess

OP posts:

SunnySideUp2020 · 02/02/2021 10:01

You absolutely need to open up to your husband and tell him how you really feel. And that you are having second thoughts. You still have time to talk things through. What made you decide to terminate aside from neither of you are sure they want kids? If you are feeling this way i would try to wait before proceeding with termination. Make sure you are doing what's best for YOU.

Original poster

temporaryname1234 · 02/02/2021 10:07

Thank you for being nice. The issue is that I don't know what is best for me or us. I'm so stupid for getting into this mess

OP posts:

Chelyanne · 02/02/2021 10:12

I think you should have some counselling before going through with a termination. A professional will be able to help you both uncover your true feeling on the matter.
You still have time before you have to make a final decision. Discuss with your husband and consider that you may not get the chance again so can you live with being childless forever? The doubt you are expressing sounds like you could regret doing this atm.

THATbasicSNOWFLAKE · 02/02/2021 10:12

Have you had any councelling op?

pinkyredrose · 02/02/2021 10:14

Do you want a baby? Do you want to be a mother? If you do then here is your chance.

If you never want kids then have an abortion.

boymum88 · 02/02/2021 10:14

Don't be so hard on your self your not stupid. I agree with pp talk with your husband about how ur feeling. Maybe also ring the clinic they maybe have someone you can talk to or point you in the right direction. Depending on how far along u r, you should still have time so don't feel pressured to go ahead tomorrow x

Original poster

temporaryname1234 · 02/02/2021 10:16

No counselling but I have a number, I'll call them. I know I have time but the longer I go on in my mind the more baby like this becomes and the guilt will be greater and greater.

Pinkyredrose, honestly I always thought I would but other stuff has always taken priority and tbh I like my life the way it is. Not planning for a child and actively getting rid of one are two very different things and I think thats where I am struggling

OP posts:

Original poster

temporaryname1234 · 02/02/2021 10:19

I'm 7 weeks, I found out two weeks ago and it's taken 2 weeks to get the telephone consult with the nurse which was yesterday. The medication is coming tomorrow but perhaps I should give it a bit longer. Argh I don't know what I want

OP posts:

laura2109 · 02/02/2021 11:28

The growing soul inside of you has not asked for anything, yet it is there. You did not plan for this pregnancy, yet it's happening. Two souls unbeknown to each other, yet so intertwined.
Regret is something that eats you up from the inside, ponder, will you regret terminating? From what I've witnessed, very few are those who regret holding on to the pregnancy. You mentioned guilt over potentiallly terminating, will going ahead with it remove this guilt? Yes, pregnancy and becoming a mother is a huge change, one that changes your life forever, but for those who were once in your situation, it was the best thing that happened to them.

WolfMother326 · 02/02/2021 11:32

I would give it a bit longer. Find out exactly how much time you have to take the medicine. Check in with your GP, also with a counsellor if you have access to it. Take some quiet time. Write in your journal. Take a walk. Speak with your husband as much as you can (but also take time to think about what you want for yourself). If you are 7 weeks there is no rush. Try to come to a place where you feel calm and at peace with your choice either way, you will make the right decision for yourself if you don't rush it.

SunnySideUp2020 · 02/02/2021 11:33

I had a termination in the past and it was the best decision for me at the time. I had feelings of guilt and sadness for months but never have i regretted my decision.
Only you and your husband will know what is best for your situation and how you both feel regarding becoming parents.
I second counselling. Might be helpful to understand your feelings better.

anxiousannie1988 · 02/02/2021 11:38

I'm 5 weeks with a baby we tried for 6 months for. Honestly when I found out I didn't know if I wanted to go ahead with it, and I'm still wobbly. I'm 32 and we already have a little boy, DH earns £60k ish so we can manage. I think planned or unplanned, it's always a shock when you found out.
At 35 you probably are coming towards your fertility declining slightly soon, so if you're certain you never want children then go ahead but have it in mind you might not fall pregnant again. Agree with others who say speak to someone to help you to decide.

MimiDaisy11 · 02/02/2021 11:59

Does your husband say he never wants children or just not now? I think it's important to try to make a decision about whether you want any or not.

Best wishes for whatever you decide.

Babyjune21 · 02/02/2021 12:00

I don’t have any advice but just want to say big hugs

pinkyredrose · 02/02/2021 12:01

The growing soul inside of you has not asked for anything, yet it is there. You did not plan for this pregnancy, yet it's happening. Two souls unbeknown to each other, yet so intertwined

What a load of emotionally, manipulate, pro-life propaganda. It isn't a baby or a soul, it's a feotus.

OP you may regret terminating but you also may well regret having the baby. It doesn't always change your life for the better, you only have to see the amount of posts on here from people who regret having kids to see that.

SinkGirl · 02/02/2021 12:11

Sending hugs to you. I’m not sure most people ever feel ready, if you are a responsible person then it’s natural to think very carefully about the impact on your lives of having a baby.

We started trying expecting to have to try for a long time and need IVF but we conceived immediately and even though we had planned for it my initial reaction was terror (doubly so when I found out I was having twins).

Try to put the guilt aside and think about what you want from your life and what you want the future to look like. Life with children is very different from life without them, in so many good and bad ways. It’s completely different in fact. It’s hard to know if it’s what you want when you’ve never experienced it. Perhaps trying to look at it from a lifelong perspective will help clarify things for you. If you picture your life in ten years time, how you want it to be, would you want to be a parent or not? The preschool years are short, the baby period shorter still so I’m not sure it helps thinking about whether you want a baby - do you want a child, for the rest of your life? Do you want to be a parent? Of course that’s still a possibility even if you don’t continue but obviously age is a factor in conceiving and carrying a pregnancy.

There are no easy answers but there also aren’t wrong answers - whatever you decide, you won’t really know any different to what you’re experiencing.

I have twins who are both disabled and my life now is unrecognisable to what it was before I had them. Being a parent isn’t necessarily what you expect it to be and is pretty impossible to imagine unless you have children. I would never want to live without my boys now, but I am also glad that they were planned and I was ready to be committed as a parent because I suspect it would be a lot harder to live my life as it is now if I hadn’t really wanted to be a mother.

I’m just rambling at this point but hopefully some of the comments here will help you to consider things from different angles.

biscuit13 · 02/02/2021 12:17

@temporaryname1234 i agree that you need to speak to someone impartial. But then again it still needs to be your decision. I know you don't want to take too long because it becomes more and more of a baby.
Just think about both sides, I think guilt and regret are things that would never go away, especially as it already has a heartbeat at this point, you need to think, could do you do that?
BUT on the other hand having a baby is haaaaard. My baby is 12 weeks old atm (planned) and happily napping in my arms but omg it was so hard at the beginning. We wanted a baby and it was still a huge shock when I found out and I had feelings of 'omg I dont know if I've done the right thing' even though I've always wanted to be a mum. So those feelings are normal.
What im trying to say is would you be happier not having this baby or maybe taking what could be your one and only chance to have one?

GeorgiePorge · 02/02/2021 12:35

Give yourself and your husband a little more time to get your ahead around the idea of a baby.

I previously had a termination which I do not regret and currently am pregnant (planned) and me and OH both have some fear that at points we may regret this decision.

Only you and your husband can decide what is best for you, and whatever you decide you will cope with.

Be kind to yourself, you're not stupid for falling pregnant, these things happen

Original poster

temporaryname1234 · 02/02/2021 13:05

Thank you for all the practical and emotional advice. I know nobody here can tell me what is best for me and my husband but it's nice to be able to share how I'm feeling.

OP posts:

biscuit13 · 02/02/2021 13:30

@temporaryname1234 and keep sharing if its making you feel better. You don't want to bottle things up, and whatever you decide there will be people here to keep supporting you 😊

Mummytobe05 · 02/02/2021 17:27

@pinkyredrose

The growing soul inside of you has not asked for anything, yet it is there. You did not plan for this pregnancy, yet it's happening. Two souls unbeknown to each other, yet so intertwined

What a load of emotionally, manipulate, pro-life propaganda. It isn't a baby or a soul, it's a feotus.

This is so correct

ED81 · 11/04/2021 09:04

@temporaryname1234. I hope you are ok & came to a decision.
I was in a similar position and terminated. It was (and is) hard but the correct choice.

Superfoodie123 · 11/04/2021 09:39

I was in your boat 4 years ago at 28. I chose to have the baby despite the shock and not being sure what I wanted. My daughter is the best thing that happened to me and my husband, yes it was hard changing our lives before planned but it was like a gift I didn't know I needed. Weve now tried for a 2nd and miscarried. I'm even more grateful for my daughter now. If you want kids in the next 5 years I'd be really careful about what decision you make.

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