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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

My boyfriend says he's not ready

20 replies

Katiehill135 · 01/02/2021 00:59

Hello,
I recently found out I am pregnant, I told me boyfriend and he was in so much shock. We have been having unprotected sex since being together and I warned him that I would not get a abortion. I know I should of got some contraception but it takes 2 to tango. He says he wants me to have a abortion and he's not ready to be a dad yet. We are only young I'm 19 and he is 20. I have faith that I can do this and I have the faith in him. He said he will support me know matter what but constantly telling me it's a bad idea. But In the next breath he will touch my belly or kiss it, I feel like he might be trying to accept the fact it's happening by doing this, but it's so many mixed signals I'm really confused??? Also am I selfish for keeping the baby if he's not ready to be a dad yet? I feel bad because I feel like I have just crushed his whole world. The anxiety is so bad it's all causing, but I'm guessing with hormones that won't help. X

OP posts:

Vicky1y · 01/02/2021 01:05

Ofcourse you're not selfish to want to have this baby. Please don't let him guilt you into having an abortion if you don't want one.

Whitecup4 · 01/02/2021 01:07

Well it depends, you both may or may not be ready to have the baby but can you financially support having a baby? As you will be on maternity leave at first the onus is on him to be able to financially support you both.. can he do it? Maybe that’s why he isn’t ready.

What’s his job?

Original poster

Katiehill135 · 01/02/2021 01:10

@Whitecup4

What’s his job?

Yeah true, he does pavement work and road work etc. I have so much support around me as it is, and a lot of saving I'm investing as that's the last thing I would want him doing it paying for everything.

OP posts:

Baycob · 01/02/2021 01:12

What did he say when you told him you weren’t using contraception?

Original poster

Katiehill135 · 01/02/2021 01:14

@Baycob

What did he say when you told him you weren’t using contraception?

Nothing really! I was planning on getting it but it was to late.

OP posts:

Baycob · 01/02/2021 01:25

I guess that he wasn’t really thinking the unprotected sex thing through and didn’t realise you would be more than okay to get pregnant ( maybe in your heart wanted it ).

But you are where you are now. I think you need to sit down with him and ask him how he is feeling? You could say he can be as involved or uninvolved as he likes, but you really want this baby and your having it either way. That way you might get a straight answer.

Nobody on the internet can really know what he is thinking, especially if you, his partner that knows him the best doesn’t know.

It’s understandable to be shocked if he wasn’t expecting this outcome, but you need to plan for how much support you will need and who will be there for you.

TooManyDinosaurs1 · 01/02/2021 08:12

Sounds like you wanted to get pregnant, he sounds a little stupid for going along with it not using contraception. I think by 19 and 20 you should know how having sex without contraception is highly likely to lead to pregnancy.

It's up to you what you do about whether you have the baby, you probably need to think practically how you'll manage alone, rather than rely on him coming around to the idea.

Inkpaperstars · 01/02/2021 22:02

Your bf is equally as responsible as you for sorting or not sorting contraception. In fact when it comes to protecting himself and his own life plans he is 100% responsible for it. He knew no contraception was being used, he knew you were not minded to terminate if you got pregnant. Even if he hadn’t known those things you can never assume them. He really should have considered whether he was ready before deciding to have unprotected sex. How does he think planned pregnancies occur? Unprotected sex obviously, exactly what’s been happening. This pregnancy is not an accident. You both did everything necessary to bring it about.

Whatever you do, don’t let him guilt you into taking sole responsibility for what has happened and don’t be pressured into a termination you don’t want to have. He will have to adjust to the circumstances he has played an equal hand in creating.

4redSocks · 01/02/2021 22:14

You do sound selfish OP I think your BF realises the reality although too late.

So you both knew you were risking pregnancy? Yet you were shocked?

It doesn’t sound great any of it.

4redSocks · 01/02/2021 22:15

** Sounds like you wanted to get pregnant

Exactly this.

NinaMimi · 01/02/2021 22:20

I would worry about how responsible he’s going to be as a father if he didn’t want children yet but didn’t bother with contraception, and didn’t think about it.

rawalpindithelabrador · 01/02/2021 22:24

You wanted to get pregnant and now you are. He was a fool. But oh, well, it doesn't matter that he's not ready as you wanted to have a baby.

partyatthepalace · 01/02/2021 22:50

@rawalpindithelabrador

You wanted to get pregnant and now you are. He was a fool. But oh, well, it doesn't matter that he's not ready as you wanted to have a baby.

@rawalpindithelabrador

It took both of them to not use contraception, the fact PP is pregnant as a result is not a surprise. One presumes he preferred it sexually, which is also selfish, as there is now a baby coming into the world not properly planned for.

OP this situation is clearly not ideal, but if you want to have the baby rather than a termination, don’t let your DP persuade you otherwise. It’s good you have family support and some financial backing. Sit down with him and discuss how involved he thinks he wants to be, and what he can contribute financially. You both chose not to use birth control, so he has to accept part financial responsibility.

KatyClaire · 01/02/2021 23:04

Why were you having unprotected sex without first having had a proper discussion about whether you were actually ready to be parents? At 19 and 20 you must have known it could lead to pregnancy, so don’t you think it’s just a bit irresponsible to do something which could bring a child into the world without first deciding that a child was actually wanted and that you have the capacity to care for it?

Now that you are pregnant it is absolutely your decision whether or not to continue the pregnancy, and whether your boyfriend is ready or not he will have to provide for the baby (at least financially, if not emotionally). But if you do continue the pregnancy then please discuss contraception with the midwives once the baby is born so that you can ensure any future children are the product of a conscious decision and not just reckless disregard.

timeisnotaline · 02/02/2021 00:12

I would be planning very hard on how to get by on your own because there is zero guarantee a 20 year old who is too clueless to connect unprotected sex plus a gf who says I won’t get an abortion with having a pregnant gf is going to stick by you and support you in this. Pretty unlikely really, whatever he’s saying in his good moments now.

LunaDreams · 02/02/2021 06:51

Firstly, congratulations!

It sounds like he is still processing it. How long has it been since you told him? How far along are you?

You both made a decision to have unprotected sex so do not let him blame it all on you.

I would give him a little bit of time to let it sink in and then sit him down and have a conversation about what you want, and how involved he wants to be.

Ultimately it will be your decision. You need to really think about whether or not you are willing and able to be a single Mum, in case he decides he cant be part of it. You also need to think about how ready you are as a couple to bring a baby into the world if he does stay. It is life changing so you need to try and make a decision that is right for you and your baby now.
There is no shame in an abortion and sometimes it is totally the right decision. It just needs to be your decision, not one you've been pressured into as you will likely regret it in time.

Not an easy situation, sending hugs

DaisyHeadMaisy · 02/02/2021 06:55

Whatever the circumstances surrounding conception, it's your body and your choice, end of.

CaterpillarMilkshake · 02/02/2021 06:56

For heaven’s sake.

You were both knowingly having unprotected sex.

Or, in other words, you were tying to conceive.

Where - and how - does the ‘shock’ possibly come into it?!

ShouldIgonow · 02/02/2021 07:07

Can’t see how it’s a shock - are you taking a multi vitamin? So much responsibility with a child - I can see you want one. He’s got a lot to come to terms with. My mum had me when she was 18 it’s great now but was incredibly hard for her and my Dad. They also had lots of support.

Babyiskickingmyribs · 02/02/2021 07:42

It’s good that you’ve got lots of support around you. Does that mean you’ve got the medical side of things covered? When pregnancies are planned drs and midwives recommend taking folic acid up until the 2nd trimester. There are also blood tests they like to do and advice about foods you should avoid while pregnant. - sorry this isn’t meant to be a lecture, it’s just the info my dr told me when I was planning to get pregnant that I would have missed out on if I had got pregnant beforehand.

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