Not trying for a baby but get sad about a negative pregnancy test

[LolaOak]

I'm 21 and I fell pregnant last year but I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks. This wasn't something we were trying for but ended up being so happy about this. We decided we wasn't going to try again because we knew we were only doing it because of the previous pregnancy.

I take pregnancy tests regularly just incase (its become a bit of an obsession which isn't good) but I know that I want to travel, be in a better position in general before getting pregnant again but when I see that negative test I feel so sad and find myself wishing it was positive.

Does anyone know why I feel sad about it even though you know you don't want that right now? Has anyone been through anything similar?

(I didn't know what topic to place this on)

Any time you take a test you will have a degree of anticipation. They are addictive. Why are you taking regular tests? If nothing else you are wasting money. Since you are not TTC then why not use proper contraception and then put it out of your mind for a while? Relax and enjoy yourself and then when you are ready to TTC again you will be in a happier place.

I understand how you feel. I think it’s partly down to the grief after a miscarriage, and longing for what you’ve lost - even though it was unplanned and not what you want at the moment. I had a similar experience - unplanned pregnancy at 19, miscarried at 12 weeks and felt an overwhelming sense of loss. I went travelling, moved to the other side of the world for a while, was genuinely just grabbing life by the balls, but could never shake the feeling of still missing something. I went through a phase of wanting to be pregnant again, obsessing over tests (although not actually TTC). I do think it was a stage of grief. I’m 28 now and pregnant, and in a much better place now than I was in my early 20s. Sending you lots of love. X

I think you have got a romantic idea of having a baby in your head - following your miscarriage. Although you know in your heart of hearts that is not a smart move.

My daughters also wanted to travel , get a good job, develop a solid financial base etc before having a child. All of which they achieved before having babies at 29 & 30.

The difference and enjoyment of family life for them - between having a child at 21 with no career, no financial security and much less mature relationships .. to that of a few years later is immeasurable. The life chances of their children are also multiplied ten fold.

Please don't have an 'accidental' baby. Not fair on your partner or your child.
Get some decent contraception and use it correctly.

Why are you taking regular tests? If nothing else you are wasting money. Since you are not TTC then why not use proper contraception and then put it out of your mind for a while?

I haven't had periods for 5 years due to my PCOS but since miscarrying they returned in the past 2/3 months. I never used to get period symptoms (sore boobs, cramps etc) but now when I do, I automatically link them to pregnancy and convince myself I need to test. We only use condoms at the moment but I worry. I will definitely be speaking to my doctor about going on the pill in the next few days to give me a pieceif mind.

@swiftt

I understand how you feel. I think it’s partly down to the grief after a miscarriage, and longing for what you’ve lost - even though it was unplanned and not what you want at the moment. I had a similar experience - unplanned pregnancy at 19, miscarried at 12 weeks and felt an overwhelming sense of loss. I went travelling, moved to the other side of the world for a while, was genuinely just grabbing life by the balls, but could never shake the feeling of still missing something. I went through a phase of wanting to be pregnant again, obsessing over tests (although not actually TTC). I do think it was a stage of grief. I’m 28 now and pregnant, and in a much better place now than I was in my early 20s. Sending you lots of love. X

I definitely needed to see this! Makes me remember how young I am and that I have so much of life ahead of me. In an ideal world I wouldn't have miscarried but now that I have, I'm happy to see what the next few years have for me and my boyfriend without children. Thank you!

between having a child at 21 with no career, no financial security and much less mature relationships .. to that of a few years later is immeasurable. The life chances of their children are also multiplied ten fold.

I've been with my boyfriend 3 years, I'm working as a teachers assistant and I have 120k+ due to my fathers inheritance so I'm not in a position most 21 year olds are. I completely agree with you though. I will be in a much better position in a few years.

Please don't have an 'accidental' baby. Not fair on your partner or your child.
Get some decent contraception and use it correctly.

My boyfriend would be happy to try for a baby right now, but respects that it should be something we wait for. I definitely will. Thank you!