Telling work

[ELBlack]

Hi all, looking for some advice. I'm 5+3 and have come back from EPU this morning after suspected ectopic. Everything is perfect and we saw gestational sac, yolk sac and very tiny start of fetal pole.

I was taken to A&E on Tuesday night which resulted in me emailing my boss early on Wednesday morning to explain I'd been ill and needed to go back for follow up appointments the next day (turns out my scan was today but I got confused when the Dr in A&E said tomorrow, as it was 4am so I ended up sleeping all of yesterday anyways) and wouldn't be working, I then had to go back again today for a scan so needed more time off. I also took Monday afternoon off work unexpectedly as annual leave as my mood was so vile I couldn't stand to talk to anyone.

I wanted to wait until 12 weeks, and my DH still thinks I should, but I'm close with my boss and we have a very honest relationship. I just feel really awkward to go back today and say 'everything fine, don't worry' without any explanation (which I'm aware I don't owe). Just wondering what your advice would be?

Totally up to you. I told my boss pretty early but then I'd had fertility testing and 2MCs before this PG which I'd been open about as my dodgy boiler story had stopped being entirely believable and I didn't want to lie about an illness I didn't have! It was easier to have a conversation about what was actually going on and I didn't have to worry about hiding morning sickness in 1st trimester or turning up 2 hours late after I'd been up puking from 4am - 8am and needed to grab an hour's sleep. I don't really buy into waiting until 12 weeks personally - if something went wrong or you needed time off for any reason early on it's easier if you don't have to explain and even though they will happily write something vague like "gynaecological issues" on a sick note everyone guesses what that means. And obviously if, as is likely, it's successful they need to know at some point!

I can understand people who wait though - especially if you're waiting to tell family. It can be odd if work knows when family doesn't.

I posted something similar earlier today, came to the conclusion that it’s better they know than lying- alleviates the additional pressure on you trying to cover things up!

I hope all works out well x

Hi @blueberrypancake21 thanks for replying! It's really hard, I agree if something does go wrong I'd likely tell ym manager, he confided in me about a MC his wife had a few years ago when he was off work unexpectedly etc. I'm starting to feel a bit sick too, and although I can stave it off by eating something bland I'm worried it will get worse. I look after a team of people too and am relatively new to managing, so I don't want him to think I'm not coping if it comes to needing more time off.

I'll have a think on it, but thanks for your advice!

Hi @fro93 thanks for the message. Do you feel better now you've said? How many weeks are you if you don't mind me asking?

@ELBlack I hadn’t planned to tell work until 12 weeks (seemed weird them knowing before family). But I changed my mind sharpish when I had some issues at 6-7 weeks and needed to take time off. Pregnancy related illness doesn’t count on your absence record in same way. I told my boss and his deputy in complete confidence and they have been really good. I basically told them I was pregnant but had some issues and am very nervous until 12 weeks so whilst I wanted them to know what was going on, I wasn’t ready to have any further conversation until I reach 12 weeks (2 more to go!!!). I’m glad I told them.

In case it influences your decision at all; you have the right as an employee for time off for antenatal appointments BUT your employer has to know that is the reason for the time off. If they aren't aware of your pregnancy, they can deny you the time off or make you take leave for appointments.

Hi @sazzt thanks for your response. I'm feeling more and more like it's what I need to do. I am definitely going to leave it and think on it over the weekend because if I do tell him, I was to do it respectfully and not catch him off guard. I think he probably knows because he has two kids of his own, and his wife had a MC so I think a woman getting urgent next day scans is pretty suss, especially with covid pressures and things taking longer.

Good luck for your scan in a couple of weeks!

Thanks @wimbler I was aware, but I thought because I already had the time off it wouldn't matter anyway as it's retrospective now?

@ELBlack

Thanks *@wimbler* I was aware, but I thought because I already had the time off it wouldn't matter anyway as it's retrospective now?

Oh no it won't matter for past appointments, but if you need more in the future before you've told them for example your booking in appt and 21 week scan it might be relevant. My booking appointment took an hour and was a 40 minute drive from my office so I was out for nearly 3 hours. Thankfully they didn't bat an eyelid about my non descript doctors appointment!

@ELBlack I’m 6 weeks so still early days. It’s taken us nearly 2 years to conceive and I’ve had some fertility treatment so I’m very nervous about everything!

I haven’t told yet- emailed my boss earlier asking for a “catch up” later today and haven’t heard from her yet so might end up being tomorrow now. But I feel like a weight has been lifted just by deciding to tell if that makes sense!

My friends and family don’t know, I’ll hold out to 12 weeks if I can.

Good luck whatever you decide to do! x

@fro93 totally understandable that you're nervous, but it sounds like speaking with your boss will help.

Best of luck with everything throughout the rest of your pregnancy x

I too had / have a great relationship with my Boss and I told them about my pregnancy pretty much straight away BUT in total confidence. It wasn't so much an announcement and I was very cautious, and asked the Boss not to even congratulate yet, but I wanted them to know what was going on should I need to call in sick / go to hospital at short notice etc. The boss remained supportive throughout, never told a soul and I got to have my announcement as planned around 14 weeks. Good luck OP and huge congratulations ❤️

I’ve personally found it much better telling my work early on. I literally told them as soon as I found out as my job role needed to change slightly. My managers knew I was TTC and I found it so much easier telling them early. Plus I had terrible sickness so there was no hiding it and I could get paid time off for my booking appointment/scan. It’s such a personal decision but if you are close with your manager I’d tell them so you don’t have to worry about lying etc. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

I ended up telling my manager really early, about 5-6 weeks, as it just so happened that i found out I was pregnant just before we had to fill in Covid risk assessments and pregnancy was one of the risk categories on the form. I’m glad I did - I teach at a university and they decided all my teaching would be online as a result. I also figured if I had a miscarriage I would want my boss’s understanding so I could take some time off.

I told my boss at around 6 weeks. I had some bleeding so I needed time off work to go and get checked out. I then developed hyperemesis so I had some days where it was difficult to work.

I only have four days off in total but it was much easier once my boss knew as it meant I could have the time off I needed and not have to worry about sick days.

I told the rest of my work colleagues after the 20 week scan. I've been working from home so no-one had noticed the growing bump.