Sharing pregnancy news with Best Friend who has miscarried twice?

[BeeBear2019]

I am currently 7 weeks pregnant, so very early.

My Husband and I certainly know how babies are made, but this pregnancy was some what of a surprise!
My best friend has suffered 2 miscarriages within the last year, and she is desperate for a 2nd child. Me and her both have little ones already, with hers being 6 months older than mine.

One of the first things I thought about when I got my positive test was her, and how much this news may upset her. She knew I wasn't looking to get pregnant anytime soon, definitely not within the next year. I know she will be upset that we weren't "trying", yet have got pregnant.

I have an early scan booked for a couple of weeks time, so will be 9 weeks (hopefully), I am wondering whether to tell her after I have this scan, or wait until the 12 week mark which is when we will share with everyone?

I have never been in this situation before, so I am not sure how to approach it sensitively and without causing her upset.

Any advice would be very much appreciated.
Thank you! x

Congratulations!

How do you get pregnant if you're not trying? I'm always curious how and why so many women get pregnant by "surprise"?

Personally I would wait until 12 weeks and tell her privately before you share your news with everyone else. She will be happy for you, especially if she knows you are happy and excited for this baby. I'd play down the whole "this was a huge surprise we weren't even trying" talk, as that's the last thing someone will want to hear if they're desperate to extend their family and have experienced two miscarriages. Just be sensitive to her and understand that there is a chance she will feel a little numb inside when she hears the news. Give her some space but stay in touch with her and check in once in a while even if you haven't heard from her. She'll just be processing the news.

Firstly congratulations! I had 4 miscarriages last year so I understand how your friend might feel. Secondly I wouldn’t mention that you were not trying. Don’t mention that it was a surprise. Give her a text so she can process it in private rather than in person or video call etc. Tell her you will understand completely if she doesn’t reply straight away. To be honest after my friend told me she was pregnant I really struggled even to acknowledge her pregnancy so after you have told her try not to talk about it too much to her unless she brings it up as it may be painful for her. Personally I think it’s best if she’s told before you announce on social media etc. I think your a really good friend to be thinking about her feelings btw x

May I gently suggest that when you tell her (before everyone else) that you do it by text? I found it much easier to hide my unwanted negative feelings about other people’s pregnancies if I wasn’t told face to face / on the phone. Give her a chance to deal with her emotions privately before you then talk to / see her

I was your friend and I really did appreciate a text rather than a call/face to face. It gave me time to be sad for myself without having to be all smiley. I always felt so happy for the person but gutted for myself and that was hard.

I've been in a similar situation this week. My bff has been trying to conceive for a long time, we got preg after 2 months (I know that's really lucky)
I let her know at 8 weeks, popped to her doorstep to tell her face to face and took her flowers, but didn't linger and let her have some space.
Personally I wouldn't leave it until you tell everyone else, give her more time and space to process it.
Good luck, and congratulations!!

@DoveGreylove My Husband and I are very pleased, and excited, don't get me wrong! We were actually using the Natural Cycles app, which up until now has been very good!
I had a health scare a month or so before Christmas, so my Husband and I did discuss briefly trying sooner than we originally planned, so perhaps my body was "ready" and baby decided they were too!

Thank you everyone else for replying.
We aren't doing the social media announcement, we will just be telling close friends and family the news :)

I will definitely text her, rather than tell her face to face (not that we can meet others at the moment anyway!)

I was wondering though, whether I should approach how she might feel, or simply tell her the news in an excitable way? It's hard to know how she would want to be told. I don't want her to think it's an "unplanned" and "unwanted" pregnancy in anyway, if I show I'm not excited by saving how she might feel? xx

I agree with everyone who said to tell by text rather than face to face - I found it really difficult after 2MC when my friend got pregnant and it was a lot easier to process a message than putting a brave face on it. I felt sick whenever I saw a WhatsApp from her in case it was about her pregnancy and then felt guilty for feeling that way. I wanted to be happy for her but I just couldn't. There's no way to know how your friend will feel. My 2nd MC happened the day before she told us she was PG and she didn't know about either of them at the time so obviously it was particularly raw for me especially as neither of us have children.

Definitely downplay the surprise element and I would downplay the excitement a little until you have a sense of her reaction. She might be OK with it! I'd offer to catch up sometime and have a chat but don't talk about the pregnancy unless she brings it up. I found it so hard to see my friend with her bump but it got easier each time. Keep in touch but give her space if she needs it. Depending on her reaction you might need some space from her as well? I was really aware that I was bringing my friend down when we spoke - it was obvious to both of us that I was faking it and we couldn't share our real feelings. She wanted to be excited about her pregnancy but I was grieving and angry and trying to hide it so we couldn't talk about anything meaningful. We needed some time apart.

The best piece of advice I would give is to think about it as you would the death of a close family member. If your friend's Dad had just passed away you wouldn't excitedly tell them that you just had an amazing weekend with yours etc.

It's really kind of you to think about your friend's feelings this way.

@BlueberryPancake21
Thank you for your honest reply, and sorry for your MCs.
They are tough - I had one myself before I had my little boy, and at the time, my Best Friend was actually pregnant too. I didn't find it too difficult, as I fell pregnant once she already was, if that makes sense.
I think if I had my MC, and then she fell pregnant, it would be really hard, so I completely understand it.

I suppose this will be one good thing about being in lockdown, is that we won't physically see each other.
I am desperate not to become too distant from her, as she is such a good friend - I really worry about that, as well as causing her upset.

I think I may have to say that my Husband and I started trying at Christmas, and it happened quicker than we expected - but I worry that will upset her also, as technically she has been trying for a year now.

It's so hard :( xx

Thanks @BeeBear2019 - it happens to so many people. Sorry you had to go through it as well. My friend never gave up on me when I wasn't getting back to her - she didn't bother me loads either but she kept sending me messages every now and again just to check in. At the beginning it was too raw for me to respond but I really appreciated that she'd done it once I started feeling a bit more like myself and was so grateful that she didn't just get the hump because I was being rude. If your friend's MCs were a while ago she may be in a better place than I was anyway. Hopefully you're worrying about nothing and your friend is genuinely able to be excited for you!

I think I may have to say that my Husband and I started trying at Christmas, and it happened quicker than we expected - but I worry that will upset her also, as technically she has been trying for a year now.

She doesn't need that detail. Can you not just tell her that you are pregnant, expecting XX date? I would wait until just before you tell everyone else, whether that's 9 or 12 weeks.

@BlueberryPancake21 For all I know, she could also be pregnant right now, or potentially be by the time I tell her.
She had a very early miscarriage at the start of December, so fresh.

@Palavah You are right, perhaps I won't go into detail unless she asks. I will just tell her the news and give her the due date :) xx

My "friend" sent me a message telling me she has to tell me something but she was worried. I asked her what it was and she sent me a scan pic I'd had a traumatic late loss a few months earlier. She obviously wasn't too worried if she told me that way

Definitely text her. I had a MMC last year, it was an unplanned pregnancy but i was totally devastated. 2 months later my friend fell pregnant and she told me in a group chat.

It really wasn’t nice my phone pinging every few minutes with excited messages when i was sobbing. I think i would have felt better had she send me a private message to get my head around it before i could join in being excited for her with our other friends.

I would tell her after your early scan, then when you let others know after 12 weeks she’s had a bit of time to process it herself.

I feel like whichever way I tell her, whether early or not, she will be sad.
I just need to figure out a way to sensitively tell her, whilst letting her know I feel her sadness.

I am really hoping it doesn't cause her to distance herself from me, because that is the last thing I want.

Another of her friends recently fell pregnant, I remember her telling me just before Christmas and she even said then she felt annoyed, because it wasn't a planned pregnancy and why couldn't she get pregnant and have a smooth pregnancy.
I know her thoughts will be that it isn't fair :(

I am mainly so worried about causing her upset and stress, especially when she is trying - it's the last thing she needs really xx

She'll take it hard but most likely still be happy for you.
With our 1st I told my friend who had had a recent mc before I went for the dating scan (would have been due a week before me), she was one of only 3 people to know. She was heartbroken about her loss and yet still very happy for us. Like you we weren't ttc and she had been trying with many mc before. They never realised their dream of becoming parents unfortunately but they are godparents to our 2nd child.
With current pregnancy we have the trouble of my SIL being desperate to get pregnant, been trying for a couple of years with no success. I have no idea when or how to tell her. We're not telling anyone before the dating scan as I had a mc in July. It's a minefield. I couldn't handle pregnancy announcements after my mc's, I found it incredibly difficult and needed to process my own grief before I could congratulate people so don't be offended if your friend needs a little time to do the same.

@BeeBear2019 it is really lovely that you are being so thoughtful. Don't beat yourself up though - it's not your fault and you can't stop your friend feeling how she does. You're doing all the right things by thinking about her feelings and she will appreciate that even if it's mixed up with a lot of other emotions.

@Baileys123 that's really awful and so so thoughtless. Sorry you had that happen. I told my friends about my 2nd MC and about 2 wks later on a group video call one of them decided to announce her pregnancy by showing us her 20 week bump. I dialled off and broke down. Everyone else messaged to ask if I was OK and she told my other friend that she couldn't worry about offending people the whole time and wanted to enjoy her PG. Then a week later she sent me a card and flowers saying how sorry she was for my losses. I think someone maybe pointed out to her that a MC is a bit more traumatic than accidentally leaving your umbrella on the train. Some people just don't think...

Thanks blueberry pancake. Your right people who haven't gone through it don't understand. I've congratulated her and haven't replied since that and I know it may make me look bitter but its just about protecting myself. I saw another person I know who was due around the time I would have been and I left the shop before she saw me I now mostly go out to the next town to shop. All to protect myself its just awful

@Baileys123 I don't think you look bitter at all! You were polite enough to congratulate her which was a really nice thing to do and if she stops to think about it I'm sure she will understand. And I can relate to going to a different town, at least for a while. The awful thing I found with MC when you are actively TTC is that while the immediate grief does get better some of the emotions get worse with time. I was 37 when I had MC2 and the anxiety that it wouldn't happen was just growing each month and with it the negative feelings towards anyone who was pregnant or had a baby. I didn't want to be that person but it's not always in your control. I read stories about people who are happy for their friends with disbelief - my grief and if I'm honest, anger, was so much stronger than any joy I could feel (obviously I lied about this to them - I'm not actually a horrid person!) I had to get counselling in the end - it helped having someone I could talk to about my real and sometimes ugly feelings without worrying about being judged or upsetting them. It definitely helped me put everything in perspective and process the worst of it. I hope you start to feel better and do ask for help if you need it.

I had this exact worry with my best friend, we have kids the same age too and in the end I text her saying I had some news and I felt a bit awkward about it as I didn't want to make her sad. So not to worry about replying straight away, but I am pregnant again and had my 12 week scan on xx. Hoping for some exciting news for you too xx

She was really sweet about it and I'm sure she was sad, she still hasn't had another baby, which is a shame. She had another loss since. I had also had a miscarriage between, so I did know how it felt.
It did make me feel sad about things, but it one of those things. I had the same with a relative, but honestly she was a total bitch about her beating me ( her words) to getting pregnant first. I didn't know it was a race, but we are the same age, but I still had to tread carefully second time as I'm not a bitch.

Just passing three and just wanted to say

What a great friend you are a lot of people get so wrapped up in themselves these days and for you to think so hard on this is really a lovely sweet thing to do ! I’m glad you friend has a friend like you x

How do you get pregnant if you're not trying? I'm always curious how and why so many women get pregnant by "surprise"?

With DD1 I was on the pill, but can only think I threw one pill up soon after taking it when I had a bad hangover. With DD2 she was probably conceived the first time we had sex after stopping taking the pill. So not completely unplanned but was still surprised it happened so quickly.

Definitely a text would be a good idea, OP, and perhaps just before you announce it to everyone else.

I had a similar.situation with a close relative. The timing was particularly shitty as the dates were very close and their situation was one which most likely would end in them not being parents very sadly.

I think it's important to acknowledge that you understand it won't be easy for her to hear. I imagine she will feel bad if she can't be 100% happy for you, so it's good that you can bring that out and show you get it. Her feelings are in grief for her own situation and your news is drawing attention to it.

I had a MC before my first child. It's hard for people who haven't been through it to understand just how hard it affects you. I think the stat that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in MC makes it more acceptable. No, it just means that a lot more people have this horrible thing happen to them. Just because you know it's a real possibility doesn't make it hurt any less when it happens to you.

I think it's very kind that you are thinking of her feelings so don't feel guilty about the situation. Unfortunately the world works in strange ways when it comes to babies. I'd wait til the 12 week scan. Tell her a day before others if you can. Don't send any photos. I agree with the others to let her bring up the pregnancy in future convos so she can signal if she's comfortable talking about it. I hope everything goes well for you with the baby xx

It's lovely tour thinking of your friend but don't overthink it. You've just found out you're pregnant, you're allowed to be happy. Your friend will be happy for you but upset for herself. Just send a text after your 12 weeks. Say you have just found out you're pregnant and are really happy at this news, expected date XXX.

I was wondering though, whether I should approach how she might feel, or simply tell her the news in an excitable way? It's hard to know how she would want to be told.

I think factually is good - "Hi X, I wanted to tell you before everyone else. I'm pregnant, due XX." I'd also add, personally, "I know it's something you want very much too so I'll take the lead from you about how much or how little you want to hear about things" or similar. She may well want to be involved; you don't know.

I was in this situation (as the friend) and it destroyed the friendship for me - friend blithely went on about how much bleeding she had in early pregnancy and that "miscarriage is the loss of hope, isn't it?". Thanks for that.

Thank you everyone for replying, you are all so helpful.
I think about it everyday and feel so worried.
I think I will wait until I have had my 12 week scan and know that everything is well and perhaps message her, kindly, and hope I come across with the compassion I really do have for her.

Having a miscarriage myself, I know how upsetting and hard it is - but I personally haven't been in the situation where a friend, or relative has fallen pregnant when I was actively trying and not having a successful pregnancy, so I want to be sensitive.

xx