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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

needing help coming to terms with early termination

6 replies

Strugglingtocope90 · 23/01/2021 13:25

Hi, so I am having a really difficult time mental health-wise and while I have a medical appointment to help with this coming up, I hoped I might be able to get some advice here. I am early 30s, single, and had a really difficult experience during the pandemic. I had been having a very casual, FWB type arrangement with someone who, if I'm honest, I did have feelings for. During lockdown one I was staying at my parents and he sent me a lot of flirty messages about meeting up once restrictions lifted. Cue my going back to London, and, just before the restrictions did lift, going round to his to sleep with him. I was in a weird mood, having some family problems, and we drank around 2 and a half bottles of Prosecco/Champagne between us. He knew I wasn't on contraception because we were using pull-out, and previously we had risked it near to my period. In the moment, I said he could come inside me. This was ridiculous, because it wasn't a safe time and I sort of knew that, and I made a very immoral drunk call. That said, it was only once and as the weeks went on afterwards I felt things would be fine. As my cycle came to an end, I sort of half-wanted to get pregnant but also was sure my period would come and that that would be a relief. Anyway, I was pregnant. I told my mum who was a bit horrified, and I also told him. I really strongly contemplated keeping it, I think I wanted to. Initially he was all for it, and then as I asked him about the practicalities of raising a child together as friends, he completely changed his mind and eventually accused me of deciding to get pregnant. Pre my termination, I told him I viscerally didn't want to make that decision, and he said from his end he wanted me to and became quite angry. I spoke with some close friends and family, and realistically I did feel guilty about how this had happened and did not want to force someone into fatherhood. So I had a termination at six weeks. It was very traumatic, it has been over half a year and I am still not really over it. The father has refused to give emotional support and said he cannot discuss what happened. I realise this is perhaps an over-reaction, but I cannot really sleep or eat properly, cry every day and regret the decision I made. I wish someone had cautioned me about the impact on my wellbeing. I am finding it so difficult to get over, and I wanted to ask here as people may have had the same experience with this. I want children, but also feel the pandemic will completely limit whether I can have them. I have looked into using donors but am also aware that my mental health is so poor right now it will need time to settle. At the end of the day, I do know it was extremely early, but I have been triggered even by images of foetuses at that stage, and have tried to hurt myself in the recent past. Any advice on what seems to be a trauma I cannot get past is much appreciated.

OP posts:
sarahb083 · 23/01/2021 13:39

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't have any experience with terminations, but I just wanted to say that your feelings are all valid and it's ok to be really struggling with this, especially given what's going on in the world. I'm very sorry that your ex FWB hasn't been more supportive and I hope therapy is helpful.

Serenschintte · 23/01/2021 13:45

Your feelings are not an over reaction my lovely. They are your feeling and they are perfectly valid.
If you Google Uk post abortion help there are charities who can help. Some are religious and some are not. No one should make you feel worse about the your situation of you do go to them for help. I hope you can find healing and peace. Maybe it would help to write a letter to yourself. Remember also pregnant women are vulnerable and you were not supported by those around you to keep your baby - from what you have written in your post.

Queenbee95 · 23/01/2021 14:11

I had a termination at the very end of 2017. I did not want to have the termination but my boyfriend at the time did and told me he would leave me if I didn’t get rid.

It really broke me. I hurt myself a lot the following year, to the point of hospitalisation on more than one occasion.

I know how hard it is and I do know how you must be feeling right now. It will get better eventually. One thing that helped me was counselling, which I know is probably a very hard thing to do at the moment with COVID and whatnot, but just someone to talk to may help you more than you’d think.

Please be kind to yourself

Strugglingtocope90 · 23/01/2021 14:25

Thank you for your messages. I have tried counselling but found it too focused on trying to pin this on my childhood or the relationship I have with my father - and my childhood was generally pretty good - so I have put that on hold and am seeking psychiatric consultation instead, early next month. I think a lot of the time I feel completely empty and lost but am glad you said it gets better Queen Bee. I will try a post-abortion charity, but I did accidentally ring a religious helpline in the immediate aftermath and found them to be quite judgmental. I spoke with a priest - I'm Catholic - who was actually very nice about it though. I am trying to hold on as much as I can until early February when I can see a professional, but I think I may have a kind of acute stress reaction to it all. Thank you for your words of support, I'll get there hopefully x

OP posts:
Strugglingtocope90 · 23/01/2021 14:45

I also think the point on not being supported in the pregnancy is a good one - it is a tough enough time to be pregnant even with a lot of support. I probably did the best I could at the time, I just wish I had been stronger and considered what I truly wanted to do, but in the end I wasn't and I have to find peace with that. I also had an infection directly afterwards, and an ultrasound revealed a cyst on one of my ovaries which could impact fertility. I hate feeling like I am just a body where a series of things just happen to it, and I think that's where a lot of the pain comes from.

OP posts:
Xdorx · 20/02/2022 10:50

Hello @Strugglingtocope90 I hope so much that you are doing better? I am in a similar situation to you and also struggling to cope. Have you found peace and healing and been able to move on? I realise it's been a year and hope you're in a different place now? Xxxx

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