I’ve always had a ‘difficult’ relationship with my Mum; despite us being very close in some respects, we’ve always had a strange mother-daughter dynamic for as long as I can remember. I’m 28, but I often feel 6 years old around her, especially when we argue. My mum refuses to accept responsibility for hurt she’s caused, she will punish people for days if they snap back at her through stone walling/ignoring, and will play the victim card at any opportunity. For years I thought it was normal to be blanked for up to a week after an argument with her, to feel isolated, full of shame and confused - especially when I felt I hadn’t done anything wrong or if I thoughts things had been blown out of proportion. And when my mum had gotten tired of ignoring/blaming me, I would end up apologising (often for things I didn’t feel was fair) and life would continue and things would be swept under the rug.
Ever since I moved in with my other half (about three years now) I’ve been able to put some physical distance between me and my mum when there’s arguments - it’s still awful when we row, but it’s been easier to focus on my own life and not be subjected to stone walling for days at a time. (It’s harder to ignore someone when you don’t see them everyday.)
So myself and my partner were due to get married this summer, but about seven months ago we decided to cancel the wedding and have a smaller registry office and spend a week in Cornwall by ourselves. This decision originally came about due to Covid concerns and worry over the original wedding would happen, but when we sat and discussed it, a smaller wedding fit us more as a couple and we were incredibly excited. We had been planning for about six months up until the point - the only deposit that had been paid was for the venue by my parents (£750). Originally I had wanted a rustic theme wedding and had done a lot of DIY things myself with the help of my dad finding and preparing wood (he’s a carpenter.) My mum was unhappy when we explained that we wanted to change plans. I told her I appreciated all their help but this new way was a lot more sensible and we offered to give the deposit back.
For five months this decision has been the cause for a LOT of unpleasant arguments. Long story short, they are upset they we changed our minds and feel as if we’re shoved them out of planning, which isn’t the case at all. My fiancé’s mum very kindly asked if I would like my hair and make up done by a family friend, to which I agreed, and she paid for it as a wedding gift. My mum blew up over this, stating it was her place to choose my hair and make up - and has bitched about my partners mum consistently ever since.
So this has been going on since September last year and it has been draining me more than I can explain. I am now 10 weeks pregnant and have not spoken to my mum properly in weeks. I tried to explain how I feel invalidated all the time by her - she tells me to grow up when I cry, ignores what I say and turns it back on her. I often find that they do this a lot - they cause an argument (recently it was my mum telling me quite viciously that they weren’t looking forward to my wedding because ‘it wasn’t a proper wedding’, I react and shout/cry, and then I’ll be ignored for days, only for them to come back and say something like “we have to walk on eggshells around you; we constantly feel like the enemy.” It f*s me in the head because I doubt myself.
A few days ago I put my foot down and messaged her a long long message - explaining how it was making me ill, and that I was trying to to salvage our relationship but I couldn’t put up with certain things any longer. I honestly thought this would soften her (as she knows I’m pregnant) but she blew up, accusing my partners Mum “of winning” and saying “she was angry and wouldn’t f*ing apologise.” I gave up at this point but since then I’ve been bombarded with messages such as “I can’t believe it’s come to this; if you don’t want anything to do with us we can’t help if.” It confuses me and I’m made to feel shamed, guilty and confused again.
I’ve been having therapy for several months which has been helping, but I’m in limbo at what to do anymore. I am feeling very vulnerable being pregnant, my mental health isn’t good and I’m alone a lot due to my partner working. I’m torn between wanting/not knowing how to set boundaries in fear of starting another argument or cutting my mum off completely. Has anybody else had a similar experience?