Having the ready chat

[Lou2021]

So really looking for some advice and thoughts.

Is committing to start trying to conceive and a really hard decision for anyone else out there?

Me and partner have been taking about planning it this year since about June 2020, we decided on April 2021 as the time to stop taking contraception as we had booked 2021 holidays, but as the pandemic continues we decided we may as well start sooner and a few other circumstances.

BUT the time came and I couldn’t commit, I continue to take my pill; before we had the chat I was desperately thinking about getting pregnancy constantly and why it was the perfect time. Now we have agreed on it and decided to go for it all I can think about is why it’s not the right time and questioning if really want it. The whole thing is causing me anxieTy and stress and I just can’t figure out what I want.

Has anyone else experienced this, or do you think I am not sure if I am ready ?

Thoughts be appreciated :)

Thanks

Obviously I don't know the details of your situation and only you will be able to tell what is right for you. I have quite a lot of regrets with hindsight but obviously how I feel may not be how you feel.

In my 20s I didn't want children. I didn't like other people's kids (still don't in the main) and had no interest in having my own. DH has always wanted a big family and I said I'd think about it. Fast fwd and I'm hitting 30 and thinking I should probably make that decision now but the time didn't seem right financially. Then we had a big holiday booked and a new job, a family member got sick and a couple of years go by. We started trying/not trying when things calmed down. 3 years after that and after all kinds of ovulation tracking and fertility testing we're being referred for IVF and I'm dealing with infertility-related depression. We conceived naturally while on the waiting list but lost the baby. Lost another one after that. I blamed myself - DH wanted children when we were both 20 something and I didn't and now we'd left it too late. Now finally pregnant again at 37 which was not the plan at all. I'm so happy we are having our rainbow baby but painfully aware that the big family DH planned might not be an option for us and this may be our only child. If I could go back and speak to my younger self I would tell her that the big decision was whether we wanted kids or not and that the timing would work itself out.

How’s your job, career plans, pension, savings ? Wills?

What about your home - how big is your mortgage and can you safely pay that and child care ?

How are you splitting the family leave and what are your plans for childcare ? If you are not married I assume you will want to go 50:50.

How are you both going to adjust your jobs to do sick days / pick up drop off etc?

Have you agreed how this will affect your and your partners social lives, hobbies, holidays, seeing family etc ?

If you’ve not agreed all this and sorted out legal matters the you are not ready.

Its big decision and its natural to worry or want to take a step back to think for a little longer as it has such an impact on body through the pregnancy and how you live your life as the baby becomes your main priority.

I found that writing things down helped, for me I was mostly worried about the financial aspect so I did a lot of calculations, made a list of everything I would need and researched tips on how to save money on baby things then set the date to TTC based on that so even if I fell pregnant straight away I knew we would have enough time to have X amount in savings. Depending on how you feel and what worries you, you could work out you and your partners finances for maternity leave and childcare if you will return to work, make a list of what worries you so you can ask others to take you through personal experiences of course everyone will be different so keep this in mind, make a list of things you wanted to do before babies and tick off what you have done and if there's anything left on there work out whether you can sacrifice the other things as they aren't that important or would prefer to wait.
Hopefully that will help a little?

Hi all,

Thank you for your comments and Blueberry pancake so sorry to hear your story of trying to conceive, I Can’t imagine how challenging that must have been but so happy to hear you are pregnant.

In terms of all the practical questions; finances, childcare, jobs, we have that figured out. I just got a pay rise and I have a flexible job so confident we can balance child care & a reasonable affordable bills which could be covered by 1 person if needed. We have thought about the cost of a child and have started saving too for all the expensive items.

In terms of social life I don’t see that changing much as I have lots of nice and nephews which makes up a lot of our time. I would be the first of my friends to have children so that dynamic would change but I’m okay with that.

So basically I am 29, and scared of leaving it too long; but still trying figure out if now is the right time: although logistically everything else is the right time part from Covid obviously.

Only things we wanted to do before kids is a long haul travel holiday but they got shattered by Covid, but come to terms with still can do that with a child. We have been together 7 years and been in many beautiful holidays so that’s not a major thing.

Maybe the feeling of being anxious about when the right time is normal:

Thanks all :) xx

Hi @Lou2021. You literally sound just like I did back last July. And we’re the same age. I had the exact same concerns as you, I’d not long started a new job with a bigger pay rise. I’d also started a masters and I’d just bought a house with OH that needed some renovation work. And we had discussed the idea many times 12 months previous and I always always found a reason why it just wasn’t the right time. Something always cropped up.

My story doesn’t end happily, but I took the plunge and we conceived in October. I cried solid for two weeks because we caught the first month of trying and I was so afraid. But everyone kept telling me that technically there’s never a right time! And even if you have plans there’s absolutely no reason why they should be put on hold if you have a family - things certainly change when you do but you just adapt it. And that was what finally swayed it for me, making a promise to myself that we would still make plans - we’re not in the 1920s anymore! It’s a huge decision, and when you’re finally pregnant it is terrifying because, it’s happening. We had a miscarriage in December and right up until that point I was still really nervous. But as soon as we lost it, I was heartbroken. And now I want nothing more than to conceive.

It’s a funny old world and no one can prepare you or advise you. My experience just made me realise that it is something I’m absolutely ready for. It’s drummed into us that you should only have children at a certain point in your life in order for it to be “right” - I know plenty of people who are assholes who entered this world at the “right” time for their family. And I know the most amazing people who’s family struggled like hell but made it work. If you’re really really unsure because you’re not mentally ready, then I would say have a good think about it, if it’s all down to finances/right time, then maybe you should consider just taking the plunge like I did. I know many will not agree with what I’m saying, it may seem a little reckless but we never fully know what will happen when we make any decision in life. As long as you’re in a loving, healthy relationship then that’s all that matters - but I’m a hopeless romantic! This doesn’t give you any answers I know, but I just wanted to share it given that I was just as worried as you xx

Hi @Summersun001, thank you for sharing your experience, I’m so glad I am not the only one who is terrified.

So sorry to hear about your miscarriage; that must have been upsetting. I do hope you fall preganant again in the near future.

The most scary thing is I spend so long thinking about it and waiting for the right time or be ready, but at end of day we don’t know what the outcome will be when we do try to get pregnant; which is another thing which terrifies me!

@Lou2021 No I can understand that. And it is an awful experience but, you do get through it. I wouldn’t worry about something you cannot control. It was my first miscarriage so I’m hoping it’s my last but you never know. I guess it is a risk we take but there’s absolutely no reason why you wouldn’t have a successful pregnancy :) I really do hope you find your answer soon - whichever is the right one for you. I did also plan finances when we found out we were pregnant and that made me feel better, so perhaps looking at your situation and working out how you would manage may help you too! There’s lots of practical steps you could take xxxx

I was the same OP. From my husband and I deciding we were going to go for it to me actually committing to starting was about a year. It took that long for it to really click and for me to feel happy and content with the idea.

As long as you’re not up against it time-wise I would say it’s totally fine to take it month by month while you wait to feel completely ready. It’s a big decision - it can help to live with it for a while.

There is no 'right time'. If you want kids, get on with it

Thanks all for your helpful comments, it’s really nice to hear everyone’s stories and thoughts.
I guess once the decision is made it may be a while yet until anything happens or even if does happen quick babies take 9 months.

Best wishes. Xx

In my mid -late 20s I had poor mental health and was doing a stressful postgraduate course. We wanted kids but knew we needed stability first 2 years later I was in a stable job, my mental health improved and we had bought our own house. I was 30 by this point, it took a few months to get my meds checked and advice on pregnancy and mental health. I stopped my pill in August, when I got my first period I was relieved not to be pregnant. The next month I felt neutral, the month after that I was disappointed and the month after that I happily got my positive test.