DH so distant now

[TheRaccoon]

I am coming up to 20 weeks pregnant with my first child, and I couldn’t be more excited about it!

This was a very wanted pregnancy and DH and I were trying for about 6 months. When I got the BFP we were both over the moon, obviously mixed with a bit of apprehension, but nothing major.

We’ve not had sex since the baby was conceived, no sexual contact whatsoever. I’ve tried to initiate multiple times but DH doesn’t react at all, just stares solidly at his phone. I might get a half arsed arm around me but that’s about it.

He doesn’t cuddle me at all any more. The other day I sat next to him and put my arms around him and he didn’t move at all, it was very awkward.

I don’t know what’s been stopping me from saying something. I feel very uncomfortable in my skin at the moment, none of my clothes fit and obviously not going out anywhere so I think I look a bit messy 😂 I think I’m worried he’s going to say he doesn’t find me attractive any more or that he doesn’t love me.

As much as I can’t believe that would be the case after trying so hard for a baby, I can’t work out what it could be.

I know I need to speak to him, I want to do it today, but I just need a little push if anyone could do that for me? I’m just so scared that I’m not what he wants any more, like now I’m giving him the child he wants, I’m of no use

Hey! Didn't want to read and run, I'm so sorry you're feeling a little neglected. Just wanted to speak from some experience, I had a baby last year during lockdown and it was hard! Not just having a baby but hard on our relationship too. We love each other dearly as I'm certain you and your partner do too, remember that bit 💕 during my pregnancy before lockdown when I got bigger I had this conversation with my OH, our baby was well awaited after trying for 4 years with ivf and I thought bugger he's not into me! After I spoke to him he admitted he found it a bit "strange" to do the deed while I was pregnant so we found other ways around it but after I told him just a cuddle would be nice it kinda snapped him out of it. Fast forward to having a 9 month old...time is not our own anymore and whilst some days I may feel a bit lonely, rushed, the hugs are sparse I always try to remember that this situation were all in is not normal by any means and I often make sure my OH is okay. It's taking a knock on affect on us all and that can really be clear through someone's behaviour. Try not to see it as he doesn't love/want you anymore, I can guarantee it's just the strain of the lockdown situ we're in. Maybe you could make him his favourite tea, stick something on Netflix and snuggle up - if he's still being awkward and not responding, just ask him kindly if everything's okay, that you know we're in this shit show but that you don't want it to affect the excitement you have coming. I often say to my partner "I miss you" and at first he didn't know what I meant so had to explain, but he understands now when I say that I could just do with a cuddle. I'm sure you haven't done anything and I hope that helps a bit - one day at a time xx ps congratulations!!

@TheRaccoon oh I really feel for you! This must be tough. I could understand perhaps why he might not want to engage in intimacy - I've seen on here before a few people say that some men struggle with the fact that you're now essentially two people and find it hard to see their partners in that way during pregnancy, but the fact that he won't even have a cuddle with you must be very upsetting.

Maybe try and approach it very gently. Say you're really excited about the baby but struggling a little with how the changes to your body are making you feel. Explain you know he's excited too, but that you've noticed he's not keen on intimacy and that maybe that's OK, but you need a bit of a cuddle and kiss for reassurance from time to time?

I'm 12 weeks with my first and I know I feel very amorous towards my husband mostly just because of how wonderful the idea is that we are having a baby together. If you feel in any way like this you must feel very hurt and rejected. We've been told to abstain from sex for a medical reason while pregnant, but we still try to be intimate (although not very often) and have a cuddle and kiss every day x

Thank you @Hopingbby2021 that's such a helpful post. Covid has forced him (like many!) to work at a desk every day when he's used to travelling the country and meeting people a lot so I think this has definitely had an effect on him. I am sympathetic to it all, but just sad as well that it may have affected his ability to be affectionate with me.

Just a bit worried that I've become part of the furniture so to speak. Hopefully he'll snap out of it a bit too when I've spoken to him.

@MintGreenLife this is also really helpful! I've read about men not wanting to be intimate when their partners are pregnant and whilst I do get it to an extent, the thought of going without for another 6 months or so makes me very sad! I suppose I won't know until I've spoken to him but I just feel so anxious about the whole conversation!

I wasn't allowed to have sex during my second pregnancy :-( but I know my husband found the idea of sex with me pregnant hard. He was scared to hurt the baby.

There is a great book called pregnancy for men that I suggest he reads

I'm sure your DH still loves you and adores you. It most likely is that he's scared to get too intimate with you because you're pregnant. Whether that be because you're now two people or he's scared he'll harm the baby, in his mind he thinks keeping his distance is good for you and baby.

Speak to him. Try and find out what he's thinking and then tell him how you feel. He is probably completely unaware how this is affecting you.

Good luck!

My partner didn't come near me both times I've been pregnant. He said he was scared of hurting the baby and could see how uncomfortable I was while pregnant either with morning sickness or a big bump etc and didn't want to make me any more uncomfortable. You have my complete sympathy because it's really tough. That said as soon as I was recovered we did get back to normal (as normal as it can be with a baby)

Sometimes they feel like a spare part and just don't know how to express their feelings, they need to be cut some slack sometimes. Just let him know how you feel so he gets the message on your needs and feelings so at least he is made aware, then report back to us if you want so that we can help as much as possible further you got this!

In our case it was simply the case he was scared of doing anything he perceived that might adversely effect the pregnancy. It was not based on fact!

Thank you everyone for your help - it's difficult to place myself in their shoes when I'm taking it all so personally but I'm hopeful that his feelings are a combination of the above and not actually to do with his feelings towards me.

We're both working at the moment but I'm going to speak to him later on today when we can give it the time to speak properly. I will update afterwards as it may help someone else in the same situation as me!

Thank you again, this has been so helpful and I'm really glad I posted.

@TheRaccoon no problem ☺️ I hope it all went okay for you last night xx