Loneliness during pregnancy

[Saffy901]

I’m a FTM, due in April, and have found pregnancy during the pandemic to be so lonely.

I’m the second of our group of friends to have a baby. The first has a 2 year-old and had a lot of interest shown in her pregnancy. We often went baby shopping with her and spent a lot of time planning her baby shower. Obviously we can’t do thing like that now, so I feel like my friends have “forgotten” about me a little bit (which is understandable when there’s so much going on at the moment). I always make an effort to ask them how they are and about things that they’ve got going on in their lives but, other than a “how are you?” back, there’s no real interest in the pregnancy/baby.
I feel conscious about talking about myself too much so maybe I don’t mention my pregnancy much and that’s why they don’t ask, but I just feel really lonely.

I’m lucky in that I’ve got a fantastic, support husband and wonderful parents so I shouldn’t complain too much.

Does anyone else feel lonely?

Yes! Massively.
I'm sorry you feel this way.
I'm 13 weeks after over 5 years of nothing and heartache TTC. Nobody factors in a pandemic when imagining pregnancy and needless to say I never imagined this. There are alot of things that I want to do, feel I need to do or would just enjoy that are off limits: cup of tea with friend, going swimming, browsing maternity clothes, having husband in appointments.

You are much further along than me so I wont give advice as you have been doing this longer but my experience is that:
I have been grateful for the people who have contacted to see how I'm progressing. Chatting over texts used to be the thing between face to face and now for all of us, it's pretty much it. I think its normal to want and need support when pregnant and theres no getting around access to support is less with covid restrictions.

I try and keep perspective by knowing a/ nothing in life ever felt how I expected; marriage, holidays, new job...why should pregnancy be any different. b/ trying not to be robbed of the experience by denying I feel what I feel. If I want good pregnancy feelings like joy or excitement I need to let in the harder feelings, fear and frustration etc. c/ this one is personal to me but may still mean something to you...as a believer I have always found God's timing to be amazing. Sometimes it takes a while but I often see how very much better the timing was for something than if I had chosen. He chose me and this baby to live in this way, now and there is some hidden magic and grace in that.

Finally, a friend bought me a pregnancy diary. It's been quite helpful to log and record what's happening and how I feel. I dont normally go in for things like that but its given me some reflecting time and I feel calmer after.

I hope you feel surrounded in love and strength soon.
Xx

I feel you hun!! I think with everything that’s going on, people are just so focused on themselves and getting through this bonkers time, they might not always have others in mind which is understandable, a lot of people are really struggling. It’s my first and I’m due in March and I can’t help but feel bitter that I’m not able to share this time closely with my friends etc, have a baby shower (especially after organising many epic ones in the past for my friends) but all that in the grand scheme of things- isn’t important. The health of myself and the baby is. Hold on to the love of your nearest n dearest right now and even though it’s hard- try to focus on their love n energy.
I’ve been placed on early Mat leave n barely leave the house, it’s driving me nuts. I don’t know how many park walks I can do before I lose it haha. What a weird old time eh. Sending love x

I’m due in June, on the one hand I feel the same way but on the other I recognise it was a choice I made and reality I accepted when getting pregnant in a pandemic.

In terms of social/celebration/attention I really do think we’ve brought a lack of that on ourselves. We knew the score and yes maybe some were TTC for years prior to covid and now it’s suddenly happened and that must be frustrating but it doesn’t change the fact that covid was here first and it is what it is!

I had my first baby 2 weeks before March lockdown and that felt REALLY UNFAIR!! Would I have chosen to have him under such horrible, isolating, scary, negative MH conditions...no. It was forced upon me without warning.

I don’t feel like that this time. We knew all about covid and what that would mean.

No, I don't really want people to ask because I've had a dreadful pregnancy and it's just not something I want to moan about all the time. Never had a baby shower or any of my friends shop with me for baby things with my last pregnancies, so wouldn't have expected it this time either.
I do feel completely shit that when this baby is born in a couple of weeks, we won't be able to go anywhere. I'll be feeling much better (we'll hopefully. I have with the last ones) and we can't go visiting or shopping etc. That's when I'll feel lonely, so dreading that bit.

I get this, it must be really tough. If it were me, I would just send a message saying 'I feel a bit lonely! Anyone fancy a video call one night this week?'. It can be hard to have a proper conversation over message and a video call may help lift your spirits x

I know what you mean. I’m early 30s, but a fertility MOT last year revealed low AMH levels so I didn’t see that I had much choice but to follow the medical advice and crack on! Yes, I expected the pandemic to be continuing but if you’d asked me a year ago I wouldn’t have expected a pregnancy to be so lonely. It’s also been an anxious time as the antenatal care has been rubbish and pretty much all virtual. I wouldn’t want anything as big as a baby shower but I’d love to be able to spend time with my friends who have babies to learn from them and also chat face to face. Browse the shops for a pram and check the car seat fits in the car before buying. Try on maternity clothes rather than ordering them in an range of sizes and having to send stuff back... Test drive the car that we’re going to have to buy... I think my bump would also help serve as a reminder to my boss that I’m not a machine and can’t take endless amounts of work heaped on top of me- at the moment as I wfh it’s too easy for them to sit back and ignore me telling them that I’m swamped.

Sorry for the pity party - just wanted to say you’re not alone! Hopefully we will have some semblance of a maternity leave this summer

Im feeling very lonely too, you are not alone. I havn't seen any of my friends in months and seen family at Christmas and that will be the last for a long time. I had my 30th birthday last week and I was so depressed I didnt even want to answer the phone to anyone of text back to anyone. I expected a few people to even leave a present from the door step like parents, best friend etc but nothing. But we have to remember they are going through this epidemic too and could be feeling just as alone and misearable as you. I just cant wait for this to end, if it does.

@Pumpertrumper

I’m due in June, on the one hand I feel the same way but on the other I recognise it was a choice I made and reality I accepted when getting pregnant in a pandemic.

In terms of social/celebration/attention I really do think we’ve brought a lack of that on ourselves. We knew the score and yes maybe some were TTC for years prior to covid and now it’s suddenly happened and that must be frustrating but it doesn’t change the fact that covid was here first and it is what it is!

I had my first baby 2 weeks before March lockdown and that felt REALLY UNFAIR!! Would I have chosen to have him under such horrible, isolating, scary, negative MH conditions...no. It was forced upon me without warning.

I don’t feel like that this time. We knew all about covid and what that would mean.

Well firstly we were told lockdown was going to be three weeks. Secondly I conceived when the lockdowns were lifting. Thirdly even if by some psychic miracle I knew the pandemic restrictions would be years was I going to stop having sex infinitely? Or go on the pill which physically mucks you up ? Or wait till 40 something? No sorry I dont agree. Being a mother comes first even if bombs are falling the human race still has babies. And just because any of us pregnant ladies knew these are weird times doesn't mean we knew how hard it would be and how long it would last and cant express that.

Hey! Didn't want to read and run but wanted to share my experience- I'm on the other end of this and had a baby during lockdown last year. We haven't been able to see our friends and family how we wanted to and I feel so lonely with it all. My little boy was so longed for after trying for 4 years with ivf and everyone was so excited for us. Then lockdown struck and it was hard!! We had friends FaceTiming for the first few weeks and then nothing. People checked in from time to time but I found I lost contact with even my closest friend who was there through it all. We did fall out in the end and slowly becoming close again but no mention of my baby is ever made.
I hear from my mum, sister and my partners folks but friends are quite distant still.
I'm the first in my group to have a baby but I've noticed I have gravitated towards people I know who have children and mums I met in pregnancy yoga but sometimes it's just nice to speak non baby to my friends even though it's myself who has to get in touch first.
When I've spoken to my friends about feeling lonely they've reassured me they're not meaning to do it, just that given the current situation there's not really a lot to update each other on which I completely agree with.
I spoke to my sister too who went a bit distant for a while as she lives away and she said she is heartbroken she can't see her nephew and she finds it really hard to see how he's coming along even if it's virtually and that she doesn't mean to be distant she just gets really down when it comes to the situation. One of my best friends has told me this too so I 100% believe if we were in a different situation things would be so different.
It's strange when you have a baby as I've found maternity leave incredibly lonely but when I think about it I have also made some lovely friends through virtual baby groups - have you joined any for pregnancy such as pregnancy yoga?
Feel free to pm me anytime, if there's one thing I hate hearing is how people feel lonely but know that they will come back around.
Oh, also! I remember one friend telling me she knew we were "okay" because I'd post about my pregnancy/baby online and that made me stop doing it as much as I guess if you see something positive online you just click a like whereas if there's nothing out there that's when people do reach out.
Hoping your pregnancy is going smoothly and know we're in it together 🥰💕 got this! xx

You're def not alone. I think I was ok up until the Xmas restrictions and then now the harsher lockdown. I thought i'd be able to see some friends at least before my baby was due but with only 7 weeks to go, it isn't likely. Im trying to focus on how amazing it will be when the baby is here, it keeps me going. We've also joined an NCT class (online) and honestly, speaking to people in the same boat is refreshing. Have you looked into online groups locally that you could join for now?

I feel the same sometimes. I'm not so fussed about baby showers or lots of attention on me because I'm pregnant, but this is the first pregnancy for a number of my friend groups, and it is a shame they don't see they bump. Same with shopping - having to do it all online takes away the excitement of it all and it feels more like a chore instead.

On the other hand, I feel if I wasn't working from home, I would be struggling. The thought of commuting every day isn't exciting. On the walks we go on, I can manage a full half hour walk before I start to feel heavy, and so doing that twice a day, with bags, would have been tough, so I'm glad I'm avoiding that. Equally, I had the worst sickness and was throwing up all day every day and being at home meant I could deal with it. Again, how would I have dealt with it at work?! And I'm sure I've saved a fortune on not having to buy loads of maternity clothes.

My point is, look at the positives rather than the negatives. Are there any positives for you to being pregnant during a pandemic?

I'm due in April too and I feel just like you, I've not been well so haven't had the energy to reach out to people as much and I've found that most people just don't bother. I've never really been the baby shower type but now that I can't have one I'm finding myself really gutted about it, probably because I haven't seen these people in person in nearly a year now. I'm starting antenatal classes in February so hoping that helps me connect with someone but I'm not really that comfortable with online calls compared to in person. I have to focus on the positives though, working from home has meant I can work from my bed when uncomfortable and take naps at lunch time.