Asking friends exp. infertility to be Godparents?

[CharlieD2020]

Hi everyone,

I'm expecting my first baby in May. My DH are thinking through which friends we'd like to ask to be Godparents to our LO.

Two very good friends spring to mind, but they have been TTC for over a year with no success yet, which has been very painful for them. It's not talked about much but I am one of a very small group or people aware of their struggle to get pregnant.

They would be amazing Godparents (and parents). I'd love to ask them to be Godparents to our baby, but I'm just looking for any wisdom on whether this could be:

a) a lovely thing for them that also means they have a really significant role for the baby (we're Christians and so are they, so the role of Godparent is a significant one for us for lots of reasons, means they would be a bit more hands on with baby too, if they'd like to be, but also no pressure to)
b) a painful/inconsiderate thing that further emphasises to them that they are not yet in this place with their own baby

They are both interested in our pregnancy (I know lots of people find it very hard to see their friends pregnant - I totally understand that - but these friends have shown what can only be described as very sincere looking joy for us and excitement about the baby). They ask lots of questions and have said how happy they are for us.

Any wisdom appreciated as we just want to do the best thing by two very beautiful people.

I think a). I don't think it's insensitive, its a lovely thing to do. Especially as it sounds like they are happy to be involved in your pregnancy rather than avoid you. Also if they are some of your closest friends there's a chance they might be a bit upset if you passed them over for perhaps people that you aren't as close to?

Thanks @Luckyelephant1, and that is a good point, they might feel left out if we don't ask them. If it wasn't for their TTC struggle, I wouldn't think twice about asking them. It's that I am struggling to work out what I'd like if we were in their shoes.

Some lovely friends of ours who knew we had been going through a very painful couple of years of fertility-related hell asked us in a really sensitive way how we would feel about godparenting, totally acknowledging that we might feel too emotionally raw to do it and letting us decide. We were very happy to agree and it was (and is) great being a godparent (and 8ish years later we got to be parents too. Yay)

So yeah talk to them. Make it equally easy to say yes or no and let them chose with no pressure.

I’ve been the other side of that, I was your friends. I was absolutely delighted. The only people that made things worse were those who treated me as if I was something to be avoided. Friends who were excited about their pregnancy and shared I was overjoyed for. Family who viewed me with suspicion and thought I would go crazy, not so much.
Please ask them.

I agree to do it. But given their experience, I'd ask with a posted card or failing that an email, not on the phone or a zoom call - give them an option to have their first reaction privately, in case it is initially a bit saddening along with exciting and flattering.

Our good friends who had many years of trouble ttc were happy to be god parents to our 2nd child. Once they hit 40 they decided to stop ttc. They ruled out other ways to have children, a shame as they would have made fab parents.

I can't see why they wouldn't be thrilled, being asked to be a special part of a child's life when you're not able to have your own is really special x

I'd ask them, as someone said maybe in a way that they can consider it on their own time.

However unless there's other stuff going on that you totally have no need to mention, or medical stuff or advancement of age, a year (feel like forever!) Isn't exceptionally long on TTC so assuming they have time, it may yet still happen. Would it both you of they were then v busy with their new babies and couldn't dedicate as much time to yours? There's some crazy people on MN so it is useful to ask...

When I was struggling with trying to concieve, being asked to be a godparent ( I'm also Christian) would have been lovely. Its shows love, and trust and closeness and I felt if I could have had a more consistent meaningful relationship with my friends children, the wait would have been easier. Friends dont consider you when they move far away, or change a routine so you cant visit anymore, but a God parent is seen as family and those bonds are preserved better.
They may feel differently but I think it could be great and is worth asking.

I know a year TTC sounds like a long time but it's pretty average in fertility terms. If they had been trying saying 5 years with multiple losses and fertility treatment I'd say not to ask them as it might be painful and the couple might feel like you are making them pseudo parents because they can't conceive and not because you think theyd be great godparents?

Thanks everyone - each of your comments has been so helpful! It is especially helpful to hear the thoughts of those who have been in a similiar situation. I think we will ask them, but probably in the form of a postcard/letter as suggested, so they can think it through without our eyes gazing on them in anticipation. Thank you all and sorry to hear of any troubles you've personally had. Thank you all x