Pregnant After Miscarriage - No Children Yet

[daisyhrl]

Hi everyone!
Any others out there pregnant after a miscarriage, with no children yet? Would love to share stories and support each other through the anxiety of hoping this pregnancy delivers that long awaited wriggling little baby... My first pregnancy ended in a MMC in 10/19, (heartbeat stopped at 11 weeks, discovered at first scan), and my mother said the most unhelpful thing. She said: "My friend had 3 miscarriages. It's very normal. But then, I suppose, she had a healthy baby first before miscarrying, so at least she knew she could do it... Whereas you... Well..." (I no longer have contact with my mother, because she's a nightmare!) Have been trying to rid myself of that thought ever since, but now I'm finally pregnant again, it's hard not to be so worried about things going wrong again. My first scan is on Thursday, so keeping everything crossed this one will be different...

Well that was bloody horrible if your mum and a load of bollocks to boot! My mum says something like ‘well next time I’m sure it’ll be different, when it’s not such a shock for your body to be pregnant. It probably wasn’t expecting it to happen at 34’ or something equally unhelpful. Not as horrible as yours but still a stupid thing to say. I had a miscarriage in September at 8 weeks. Didn’t make it as far as a scan and was actually over quite quickly.

Anyway I’m 35 now and pregnant again (coming up to six weeks so very early still) and I’m not coping well- I keep waiting for the bleeding start. I’ve had cramps and twinges which are normal but are sending my anxiety into overdrive. I’m really trying to believe everything will be ok but it’s hard. I’ll have a private scan in three weeks and just hope everything is ok. Doesn’t help that I’m at at work with children all day in quite a high pressure environment so if anything started to go wrong I don’t know how I’d handle it.

I’m keeping everything crossed for you OP! All we can do is get through one day, then another and another, until we feel more confident about how things are going. Definitely feel I’ve been robbed of the joy of early pregnancy though!

I'm sorry to hear of your loss, I'm not pregnant at the moment but had 2 miscarriages in 2019 before having my daughter (who is 8 weeks today and asleep on me right now), so I empathise with the worry that comes with pregnancy after miscarriage. I found it really difficult to relax and enjoy my pregnancy as I kept waiting for it to go wrong, even when everything was good.

Try to take heart in the knowledge you can get pregnant and right now you are pregnant. My miscarriage consultant told me that miscarriages sadly are common, but most people go on to have a healthy baby. Good luck with your scan.

@SmidgenofaPigeon Honestly some people are truly hopeless at saying anything compassionate in difficult moments... I'm sorry you had a similar thing! And congrats on being pregnant again - nice to know someone else is in the same boat, anxiety and all. I'm 11 wks 3 days today, and have not been able to feel the reality of the pregnancy at all so far, though plenty of no-fun first-trimester symptoms... OH bought me some adorable baby socks for Xmas to try and help me get excited, but i just sobbed and refused to touch them! Nightmare... Finally feeling less sick now, which is nice but also scary. How are you doing on the nausea/symptom front?

@MariaDingbat Thank you for sharing - so nice to hear a story of things working out! Really really hoping we follow your path and get to meet our rainbow babies... Were you nervous and stressed the whole way through or was there a moment after which you were able to relax and enjoy at all?

Aw I probably would have reacted the same at the socks- DH keeps saying ‘but statistically this time it will most likely be fine!’ He’s a very logical person and has done a lot of reading on facts and figures and he’s probably right, but in the back of my mind I keep thinking ‘yes but what if it’s because there’s something wrong with me that I don’t know about yet?’

Im ok on the symptoms- painful boobs, a bit of nausea, crazy sense of smell- and finding everything really reassuring because I do t thin I had any particular symptoms of note last time, so I’m just praying it’s going to stick.

@SmidgenofaPigeon Oh if only statistics calmed emotions! My DH is very "what will be will be" and that's an equally foreign attitude to me... Would love to be laissez faire about it all, but I think the shock and jolt of a miscarriage changes you... I was so cavalier about being excited last time.

Keeping everything crossed for you that this one'll stick.

@daisyhrl I know exactly where you are coming from! I'm 37, took 3 years to conceive first time then had 2 MC close together and now PG again with no children. There's a unique worry that comes from time slipping past and not knowing if you can even do it. I spent 10 months of 2020 pregnant, hormonal and grieving and just... eugh! My Mum also came out with some corkers: during 1st suspected MC "well there's no point getting upset about it - you'll worry that baby out of there" (some nice material for reflection after the MC was confirmed) and when I got PG for the 3rd time and told her about it at 6wks "well that's good. They'll do tests if you lose this one won't they?" I do love my Mum but she hasn't exactly helped my anxiety!

@SmidgenofaPigeon I totally relate to your comment as well - I am convinced there's something wrong with me that we just haven't found yet. I don't think that feeling is going to go away. I am actually relieved when they do find something wrong, especially if it's minor - like a UTI or low iron levels. Then I can focus on fixing it!

I would've been the same about socks. I wouldn't tell friends or DH's family until after 20wk scan, wouldn't talk about being PG at all until about 26 weeks (bump denial was a thing in my life for a while), only bought my first items at 28 weeks and still am careful to say "expecting a baby, assuming all is well" not "having a baby" because I am expecting one but I'm not 100% sure I'm ready to commit out loud to one actually being born... now that they're kicking I feel more positive and I do get the odd whole day where I feel positive which is lovely. I even enjoyed picking out a pram so definitely getting easier if not exactly easy.

Here's hoping for good news at your scan. It really is more likely to be good news than not! Good luck and I hope you do manage to enjoy at least some of your pregnancy.

@Mimba1 ugh I'm so sorry - as if 2020 needed to be any worse? And sorry about tactless comments... People do have a brilliant capacity for putting their foot in it. But so great that you're pregnant and so far along now - congrats. It must be amazing to be able to actually feel the little one moving around. Think I'll be totally on the same track of absorbing things very slowly, if things do progress (see - can't even say it without qualifying!). Though I have actually told a few friends who know the whole story of last time. Somehow it felt ok to share the news with people who would say things like "really hoping the first scan goes well for you..." rather than "have you chosen names yet?!". I can talk about it, as long as it's firmly in the context of "this might not work out"...

Like @Mimba1, I felt a bit more relaxed when I started to feel her move, it's like a constant little reminder that they're in there and okay. I still freaked myself out when she didn't move as much but I had a sense that it would be okay since the moment I found out I was pregnant, whereas I felt something was wrong from the start with both my miscarriages.

I was cautious too and we only bought baby stuff when I got 32 weeks, and then only because the 2nd lockdown was coming and we were afraid we wouldn't be able to get anything if we waited.

I didn't take it for granted we would get to bring her home until she was in my arms. But my mum lost my little brother at birth so I've always been very aware there are no guarantees with having a child. I had to remind myself every day that over 99% of pregnancies are completely fine after the 1st trimester and there was no reason I shouldn't be in the 99%. Things are much more likely to go right than go wrong.

@daisyhrl firstly congratulations! Being pregnant can be so scary after a miscarriage. I had a MMC in February 2020 and a early MC in December 2020. I haven't yet had a period since my last one but I'm pretty sure I'm pregnant again. I'm going to do a test in the morning but not sure how it will work out because I have no idea how far I'd be or if/when to take a test.

I'm so happy you cut out the negativity in your life you don't need it. Being pregnant is a blessing but can be so difficult for some women. I'm happy to chat on here anytime you need support.

❤️

@peacheswife Good luck with the test!! And thank you...

So 12 week scan was great - healthy wriggly little thing! Felt like I went from completely disconnected to the reality of the pregnancy to full acceptance and excitement in a few hours... Strange. Decided I'm throwing caution to the wind and hoping for the best. I know it will still hurt like mad if I lose the baby, whether I've mentally "prepared" myself or not, so taking the doubting armour off!

How are you getting on @SmidgenofaPigeon ?

That’s so good to hear @daisyhrl!

Mine is still sticking. I’m grateful to tick off another day. Every day that goes past is a bonus because the risk of miscarriage gets less.

heelloo. soorry about your miscarriage experience, its never easy i tel you.i had a miscarriage in 2019, worst experience ever, found out on the first scan, i was 8 weeks then. i am pregnant again at 30yrs and believe me i am always worried, i am 16 weeks going on 17. every time i take a pee i check if um bleeding, every time i get a cramp i get soooo worried. i am always curious about any change, weather its good or bad. i haven't even told anybody except my mother. Just not ready, i doubt il ever be ready to share really. i have an app for tomorrow, fingers crossed everything will be fine

Wonderful news @daisyhrl!