Pregnancy & hormones (mentally struggling)

[Newdad26]

So my partner and I have recently found out we are having a child (unexpected) and we haven’t been together for to long. Amongst other issues this pregnancy is difficult as there are complications as she still has the coil in and there is now a high chance of miscarriage, mixed in with the changes of her plan for life and other worries...I have a very worried and frustrated partner

I’m now posting this because I feel I’ve no one to talk to and I’m really struggling.

I know hormones play a role in pregnancy but it’s starting to take over our lives.

My partner already has a child and day in day out I see them playing, cuddling, sloppy kissing and generally having that special time.

Numerous occasions now I’ve tried a simple cuddle when they have stopped and I get a simple rejection of “no I don’t want a hug/cuddle/kiss”

(This is within like 30 seconds of her doing this with her own)

It’s causing an issue on my side because I can’t even have a conversation about this without being shut down and being told I’m not a priority and constantly feeling rejected and pushed out and don’t feel I’ve that support with being a new dad and not familiar with it all.

I get minimal affection and can barely put a smile on her Face.. I can’t even remember the last time she said “I love you” or anything of that nature

I’m just constantly reminded of my flaws and areas I’ve gone wrong or need to improve on.

I genuinely feel like it’s just a ticking time bomb but everyone I speak to keeps telling me it’s just hormones and that I shouldn’t worry and she will snap out of it but my issue is that she says things like

“i I’m worried that if we don’t have sex or being close or intimate that we won’t be able to go back to what we used to be like”

Which I’m seeing in my mind as being “doubt”

Just really need someone to help me with this and need someone to talk to just to give me advice or even guide me through this because I’m really struggling mentally.

Thanks

Aw im sorry to hear you feel this way. How far is your partner? I've gotta say when I was weeks 7 till about 11 my hormones where all over the place and I just couldn't be bothered with anyone or anything! I feel like I was taking alot out on my partner too which is just because they are there and closest to you..not that that makes it right. When I look back now I feel so so bad for how I was being! Maybe tell her what you think/feel and she may feel bad too, she might not even realise how she's being because I know I didn't. Its defo harder for the dads too because they don't know how the mother is feeling its a tricky one

Thanks for your response yeah she’s currently between 7/8 weeks and is finding everything difficult atm with the life changes and everything as she had a life plan but feels she’s now having to sacrifice everything for this child and it’s getting her down and is bitter over it.

Probably just hormones but the issue is the lack of attention or respect. Snapping at the slightest thing and then walking of and then can visually see her and her son together and can just see the Separation between me and her like I just get the feeling of well it’s them two and then me... like I’m a lodger, like She acts like I’m not even there and wouldn’t miss me if I was gone.

Not long been home and her sons running around and running up to her and she’s picking him up and cuddling and he’s laying on her. So when he runs off I come over from putting the shopping away and then go infront and reach around for a cuddle and say I could do with a cuddle me...

I get the response of “nooooo,no thanks”

No effort no nothing.

I think perhaps jealousy takes a big part of this aswell when I see her doing all these things with her son yet within a minute of me trying I just get “no please don’t I feel sick”

Really don’t know what to do anymore.

I defo think the really early weeks are tough and maybe she doesn't feel very attractive or whatever as I know I didnt/don't therefore not wanting affection.
I'm not defending it at all though, that's so unfair on your behalf and you do need that attention and reassurance from her. Make sure yous communicate thats definitely key!! And just give it abit of time once she's abit further on her hormones may have settled down and she might start becoming loving again. Have yous spoke about whether a baby is the right thing for yous? Would be awful to think this would impact what yous had

Yeah she knows how she’s been and she doesn’t deal with stress well anyway and I think she knows I’m there for her I think she is just finding things difficult at the moment.

Just then had a moment with her where we had a look at some baby clothes and had a bit of a cry because there’s a 50/50 it will make it.

We hugged it out and had a moment and I’ve just told her I know it’s hard and that but I’m struggling and just asked if now and again we can cuddle just to re-enforce we have each other etc.

She said that “I know im being a but if you take the science out of the equation and I have a baby growing in me so you can understand why I’m being ratty sometimes.”

I told her that I understand but stated I’m supporting her I just need some back sometimes cus it’s hard.

We sat down and had a look at some of the hormone charts and it makes sense between 7/12 weeks there’s a huge change in hormones which can cause so many different reactions and feelings.

Hopefully this passes soon!

Aw im so so glad yous have spoken about it and made some things abit more clear to you both!!
Yes definitely it's a hard time for you both, just remember you are a team and need to stick together you shouldn't be against each other.
I hope things settle in a few weeks time. Stick together :)

Thanks I really appreciate it

She will have been feeling physically and mentally exhausted for at least 4 weeks every day. It's at its absolute height at 8-10 weeks and such a horrendous feeling. I'm 12 weeks and have checked out of life only doing the bare minimum to survive. It's horrible but it doesn't last forever. Give her time.

I'm sorry you're feeling like this.

Many women find pregnancy challenging on every level. It can take up a lot of energy and headspace, especially if you have anxieties about it. Fluctuating hormones don't help with this at all. The situation with the coil sounds really hard and I imagine is using up a lot of her emotional energy.

Hugging your child can feel difference to meeting the expectations and needs of a partner. During both my pregnancies I have had to ask my partner to take a back seat as I feel like I have no available space or energy to meet his needs. Especially during first/third trimester as I feel so physically rubbish, plus sick/tired/uncomfortable/fat and also pretty anxious about the arrival of a new baby and everything that involves.

You are involved but in a different role to her right now. You might find practical help is most appreciated by her right now. I'm sure her feelings have not changed towards you - it's just a massive period of adjustment that will take time to settle.

Thank you for your messages it’s been a tough few weeks and I hope everything works out. It’s just a such a change and I wasn’t expecting any of this and all has come so soon. I think communication is really important so I’ll try work on that. Fingers crossed

UPDATE:

I’m now being told that the feelings might not be there anymore and that this is causing great difficulty with her feelings and emotions at the moment.

We’ve talked and I personally think it’s all the hormones affecting this, as there’s small periods of affection and love shown but then it switches back to being distance etc etc.

I felt abit like this towards my partner at about 7 weeks I felt like I didnt want anything to do with him and when he was wanting affection and things I wasn't really feeling it either and I did wonder what was wrong with me & if it was the relationship etc but after a few weeks I've definitely came to realise that it was just my hormones and each week is getting better, I apologise to him all the time as I feel so bad for being off with him. Can you just ask her to be patient with it and see how things progress and that you don't wana give up on it. Just reassure her that you'll be there for her when she feels back to herself abit more

The issue is the lack of attention or respect? Wow. You've made me very grateful for my understanding partner.

Many thanks rachshad it does shed light now it’s just hard to see when I spend time with her because I can see that she’s not herself and it’s totally unlike her which makes me sad.

Optic cabbage I can see how you
Would look at that but honestly it’s not to be taken that way I meant as much as things are difficult and hormones are crazy things I did hope that there would still be an amount of respect and attention in a way, I think “understanding and communicating” would be a better way for me to put it.