Struggling to get excited and not many weeks to go... complications throughout pregnancy

[purplehello12]

Hi just wondered if anyone else had felt the same way in the lead up to birth. I've been under consultant care since issues were found at the 20 week scan and have numerous extra scans/tests/appointments throughout the pregnancy. These have been a non-stop emotional roller-coaster and have put a real strain on me mentally even though in terms of my physical health the pregnancy has been plain sailing.

I am now approaching the end of the pregnancy and was hoping I would feel a bit more excited at this point about meeting our new arrival. I thought once the bulk of the appointments were out of the way I'd feel better.

Instead I'm feeling I'm feeling apprehension about what next, in terms of further tests on the baby once it is here and what its additional needs might be.

I have been receiving some midwife counselling throughout the pregnancy and I know a lot of how I feel is normal, but it would still be great to hear from any others who have experienced the above and any advice on how they've got through it.

It's just getting harder as friends, family and colleagues are getting very excited for me now as birth is weeks away and I'm not quite in the same place.

Hi,

Just wanted to reply as your message really resonated with me. I'm in a very similar position and the uncertainty is so difficult.
How long have you got until your little one arrives?
You almost want people around you to recognise that although amazing, this isn't what you expected and sometimes the positivity can be hard to accept.
Sending you lots of strength x

Hi,
This is how I felt too. An issue with baby picked up at our 20 week scan, multiple scans and consultant appointments after that, I couldn't get excited or relax until he got here (I was dreading the return of the sleepless nights too). My ds just turned one a few weeks ago, has had two lots of surgery in the last year and I can honestly say that the worry during pregnancy was much worse than the issue itself.
Just wanted to say to you whatever happens you will get through it and you are not alone in having these thoughts. Sending you positive thoughts and best wishes for the rest of your pregnancy and for the arrival of your little one.

Hi OP, a could have written the exact same thing. I'm now 38 weeks, being induced next week due to reduced growth (legs now off the chart) and been under consultant care since the 20 week scan due to potential issues with the skeleton. At this point no idea how serious the problems may be but it's had a serious effect on my mental health and I just haven't felt excited or happy at all. Finding enthusiasm for cute baby clothes when you don't know what extra needs your baby might have is just hard. Colleagues who don't know have sent me a lovely card, hamper and voucher and I wish I could be thrilled.

Only advice I have is to share how you're feeling and what's happening with those close to you. You're not unreasonable to be worried and feel like this so know you're not alone🌷.

@littlebutterfly185

Hi,

Just wanted to reply as your message really resonated with me. I'm in a very similar position and the uncertainty is so difficult.
How long have you got until your little one arrives?
You almost want people around you to recognise that although amazing, this isn't what you expected and sometimes the positivity can be hard to accept.
Sending you lots of strength x

I'm 34 weeks so not long to go now.

The uncertainty is the difficult part for me too. Even though we've been well looked after throughout, the consultant can't say exactly what it will be like when baby gets here, after all you can only see so much on a scan. I think at my last appointment I had the realisation that the endless stream of appointments and associated worry in the lead up won't stop at birth.

Close friends and family know the difficulties we've had and have been largely sympathetic, but I am finding the wider positivity difficult to take... even though of course this should be an exciting time and people are just trying to be kind.

Thank you for your comment - I hope everything goes well for you x

@user1471518119

Hi OP, a could have written the exact same thing. I'm now 38 weeks, being induced next week due to reduced growth (legs now off the chart) and been under consultant care since the 20 week scan due to potential issues with the skeleton. At this point no idea how serious the problems may be but it's had a serious effect on my mental health and I just haven't felt excited or happy at all. Finding enthusiasm for cute baby clothes when you don't know what extra needs your baby might have is just hard. Colleagues who don't know have sent me a lovely card, hamper and voucher and I wish I could be thrilled.

Only advice I have is to share how you're feeling and what's happening with those close to you. You're not unreasonable to be worried and feel like this so know you're not alone🌷.

It sounds like we are in a similar situation in terms of having no idea of the severity of the issue until baby arrives. Finding enthusiasm in baby clothes has certainly been difficult for me too, as well as buying other bits and pieces. We've got everything now but it has certainly felt like buying out of necessity rather than with joy at times. I put off buying things for a long time.

I'm sorry you are in a similar situation and hope all goes well for you next week x

Much the same in that it won't be until the birth and the weeks afterwards where we will have more information about everything. As you say, a scan can only show so much.
Mentally it's been so tough & it's been hard to see those around me having very 'normal' pregnancies.
I find myself thinking that something will go wrong and everything will be taken from me.
It's horrible to think that there are others out there struggling and going through the same difficult time but comforting to know that how we feel is similar.

Is there anything that you have found helps you when you're feeling particularly down or during those uncertain times?

Sorry & love to all of you that are going through these tough and uncertain times.

I find myself thinking the same things, usually in the lead up to another appointment or whilst awaiting more results. It is horrible as you say to have others feeling the same way, but comforting to know I am not alone. I'm glad I reached out today.

I've been practicing a bit of mindfulness everyday using on of the apps, and speaking to my counsellor has helped although the calls aren't very frequent as resources are stretched.

I often find myself going over the same thoughts throughout the day unless I find something I can fully absorb myself to basically think about anything except the "what next" and "what if". What kind of things do you do?

I'm glad you did too. I saw your post and just instantly needed to just reassure you (& myself I guess) that you're not alone. Even with such supportive friends/ family/partners, when it's happening inside you, it can be so lonely.

That's good that you've got your councillor as well as mindfulness. Again, very similar. Have my therapist each week but it's difficult with it not being face to face with all the restrictions. I've found some mindfulness useful but hard to do when I'm really struggling. The most useful technique for me is box breathing (I do 4 second breaths). I do this whilst I'm having my ultrasounds and the consultants and specialists are quiet. I find it just distracts me a little as I always worry that they'll pick something else up with every scan or appointment.

Oh the silence in appointments is terrible! Sometimes I think would it be better if the issue was missed entirely and that I just found out at birth, especially as whilst I am carrying the baby nothing can be done except monitor monitor monitor... sometimes it feels like they are just looking for things now they've found something. I know that is all a silly thing to think though and forewarned is really forearmed to a certain extent in terms of making sure the right care is in place for once the baby arrives.

I also had the very bad advice at one of my early appointments to become an "informed patient" by googling what was found... terrible and sent me into the spiral that ultimately meant I needed the space with a counselor! I have found the discussions very helpful though, just wish I had more of them, the gaps in between sessions can be quite tricky to get through. I will look up box breathing it sounds like it could help.

I completely relate - one of the specialists said to me that technology is so good nowadays that we almost are victims of too much information. I guess it is better to be informed. I just find myself worrying every single day.

That's terrible. I'm sorry that you had to go through that. Sometimes people say things and you just sit there and think 'how can that be ok?'

How often do you have your phone calls? I find that I have the practise all the mindfulness tips when I'm calm and my head isn't in over drive. It gives me some time to almost practise everything without having to fight my emotions and anxiety.

We manage to structure the calls broadly around when "bigger" appointments might be coming up, so ones I will be no doubt particularly worried about - so the frequency varies a bit but at the moment they are every couple of weeks or so.

I agree that in a strange way when your head is just too overloaded, the mindfulness tips just adds to it! For me part of the challenge has been "catching" myself just before I start to head into a spiral of worry and then using mindfulness or something else as a kind of distraction.

I was introduced to a tool called the "Worry Tree" which is also helpful - essentially if it is a worry you can't fix by thinking about it, don't think about it, stop and try and do something else. Easier said than done but a useful way of framing thoughts, especially for us as I don't think we can do anything except attend appointments and wait now!

@user1471518119

Hi OP, a could have written the exact same thing. I'm now 38 weeks, being induced next week due to reduced growth (legs now off the chart) and been under consultant care since the 20 week scan due to potential issues with the skeleton. At this point no idea how serious the problems may be but it's had a serious effect on my mental health and I just haven't felt excited or happy at all. Finding enthusiasm for cute baby clothes when you don't know what extra needs your baby might have is just hard. Colleagues who don't know have sent me a lovely card, hamper and voucher and I wish I could be thrilled.

Only advice I have is to share how you're feeling and what's happening with those close to you. You're not unreasonable to be worried and feel like this so know you're not alone🌷.

Just wanted to come back to you and say thank you for your comment. Whilst I wouldn't want anyone to feel like this, it is reassuring I am not alone. Wishing you the best of luck for your induction next week x

I'll have a look about the worry tree. I think all these tools must help with something. Thank you

How are you feeling today? I'm trying to stay busy and not think too much. Another restless night.

While I am really sad others are going through this, I’ve found this thread quite reassuring. We had complications picked up at the 12 week scan and then confirmed at the anomaly scan. On one level I’m relieved it wasn’t worse - we had to have an amniocentesis and weren’t sure if the baby was viable for a while - but knowing our baby will need surgery within a few months of birth, and further surgery and treatments throughout childhood, and that feeding will be a real issue for us, is something I’m struggling with. I think maybe I was slightly in denial once we knew the baby was going to survive but it’s got a lot more real recently as we’ve just started online antenatal classes and it’s perhaps emphasised the gap between us and the other families and what they’re anticipating when the baby is born compared to what we know lies ahead for us? Also, bloody baby books and their constant use of the word ‘perfect’ when they talk about how your baby will look (ours will have a facial deformity initially.)

It’s interesting to hear some of you have had counselling and that’s helping. I haven’t been offered anything like that via midwives - or much checking from them at all - but we do have psychologists involved on the specialist side and had a group session with other parents so I think now I’m going to ask to have a one to one session with them if I can.

I found the same thing with the antenatal classes - I found seeing lots of very excited couples worried about things that feel a bit trivial very difficult. When you don't really know them it is also quite hard to open up. After a couple of sessions I was quite tearful.

On the counselling front, I have to say it wasn't an easy journey to get it, but I am very grateful it has worked out. It started with a call to my hospital's 24/7 line in floods of tears. They told me to make an appointment with my GP who went straight for the "do you want anxiety medication" (I've never had a mental health issue before and to be honest couldn't believe how quickly they were willing to dish out medication rather than try and work through the issue). I said no to meds as I knew the worry/anxiety I was feeling was justified given the situation, I just needed to talk and pick up some techniques to help manage it.

Anyway long story short I mentioned my feelings at my next midwife appointment who then referred me onto a specialist midwife that does counselling calls. I would like them to be more frequent, but it is much better than having nothing.

Sorry to recycle a slightly old thread with lots of comments from myself on here already... I am just having a bit of a tough day today ahead of a scan tomorrow morning and wanted to put down my thoughts once more as I've found it kind of helps.

As the birth gets closer I feel like I am kind of going through a process of mourning what might of been, even though it is impossible to say the severity of the condition my child has until they get here. This is making me feel quite guilty - what if it's not actually all that bad? I guess it's my mind trying to mentally prepare myself.

I'm also starting to wonder whether all this anxiety in pregnancy will impact my bond with the baby. I am receiving some counselling and will bring this up in my next session, but again just wondered if anyone had experienced the same feeling.

I guess I am going through a combination of a difficult pregnancy and all the usual hormones pregnancy throws at you.

Hey Purplehello

Don't apologise - I find that in between appointments (once the news has been able to sit with me for a few days) I feel stronger, but then another appointment/scan gets closer, the anxiety is immense. I really understand what you're saying. Sometimes you just need to be able to reach out and talk through things.

The mourning really is relatable. It's almost as if we mourn before we fully know. I spoke to a lovely Nurse the other day who told me that mourning for what could've been/should've been is really normal and you almost have to give yourself permission to feel these things.

I have every hope for you that once your little one is here, everything becomes a little easier in terms of support, knowledge and i guess it's another hurdle crossed. Try to be kind to yourself as honestly, I think a lot of us feel the same. I worry about the bond with baby too. It's a very real fear of the unknown.

Sending you lots of positivity and strength for your scan tomorrow morning. Is it just a check in before the birth? I really relate to the emotions prior to a scan. It's so so hard, but you can do this x

Thanks for getting back to me - as I said before as much as I wish no one else was going through this it does give me a bit of relief that what I am going through is "normal" in the circumstances.

You are right every appointment is another hurdle passed. The anxiety just before these with the consultant is high, thankfully it is in the morning so I don't have to stew on it all day.

I am wondering if in future if I have more children whether I will ever find a scan or pregnancy related appointment exciting or something to look forward to, they just seem to fill me with worry at the moment because of everything that has happened so far. It feels like a bit of good news would go a long way, although I know that news could still be a few weeks away.

Even just writing that has reminded me that I should be trying to stay in the present moment... thank you

Completely understand. I keep telling myself that there is absolutely no way I could ever go through all of this again. The uncertainty is just so hard and something that I don't think I'd escape again. Which is illogical & a little unfair on my future self. I have to catch myself sometimes and stay in the present.

I'm pleased your appointment is in the morning. I much prefer morning ones so at least I can just get it done without having to build up to it all day.

Appointment went ok today, everything seems stable which I have taken away as good news. Thanks so much for writing back to me yesterday - it really does help to just speak sometimes! No more scans for me before birth, so that is one more thing checked off and I really do feel much more at ease now. A few more midwife appts but they always seem less stressful to me... getting there slowly but surely... How are you feeling today?

So pleased your scan went ok this morning. Another hurdle crossed
I agree - midwife appointments seem a little easier but for me that's because they don't scan so it feels more 'normal'.
I'm doing ok, kind of you to check in. My next appointment is in a week or so - as the day approaches I'll become far more anxious.

I hope you're doing ok and can relax a little this evening. Just remember, this too shall pass. We'll get there

Just wondering how you were getting on?
Struggling a little more again and could just use others who understand.

Hi all, my little one was born weighing 5lb14 after three days of induction ending in being rushed to theatre for a forceps and episiotomy, no delayed cord cutting as he had to be checked by a paediatrician immediately, no signs of any problems at all apart from being small, due to his small weight we stayed in hospital for three days to monitor his weight. He had an X ray of the spine a week after birth and we are waiting to hear from a consultant in March to discuss the results. He seems in all respects to be a healthy baby and there aren't any signs of any issues so far... though spinal surgery may be on the cards depending on what the consultant says.Finally feel happy after a miserable pregnancy and finding a lot of joy in having a newborn even just dressing him up in a teddy bear onesie- makes me feel if issues are found it'll still be ok and worth it.hows everyone else doing?

A delayed response from me sorry! I am so glad to hear everything is going ok for you, hope the consultant had good news. We ended up with a c section and staying in for a week but getting home was the best feeling ever. We still have a lot of appointments and consultant care but it is just so great to have baby here. There is something about having them next to you that is so reassuring compared to when you are pregnant and you have no idea what is going on in there. Still lots of unknowns but at the moment I am in a bit a a baby bubble and feel like our little one will tell us what she is capable of now she is here and with us.

I am so sorry I missed this I hope you and baby are doing OK?