Advice on custody or visitation with a newborn

[Moosmum87]

Hi ladies
My partner and I recently broke up, I ended things with him as it just wasn’t working and I didn’t feel the need to stay with someone I’m not happy with baby or no baby
So the baby isn’t even here yet I’m due in May and he’s already threatening he will take me to court for 50/50 shared custody saying he has all the same rights as me. Anyway I never said he couldn’t see the child and want him in the child’s life so when I text him that he then proceeded to say things like “I want to stay over and bond with my baby. And then when the baby is 4 weeks old I want to take it overnight”
I’m soooooo stressed I can’t even eat and I know the baby can feel the stress too. I’m so worried I don’t want to be arguing with him about these things when the baby comes along but he needs to be realistic In terms of visitation. Any advice or help on the situation would be appreciated (please no negativity as I’m stressed out enough)
Sorry for the long rant too

Hi there OP sorry you're dealing with this it's enough stress being pregnant. I don't think he would be allowed baby overnight breastfeeding or not.

Let him spend the money and waste his time taking you to court. He won't get that, probably not until baby is at least 1. Does he work? How is he planning this 50/50?

Imo let him apply to court for PR. If he is serious about being a decent df he will if he is an abusive twat will he even bother? I have never heard of a judge giving overnights under a year old... Keep all messages op... Until he gains PR he has no rights... Block him if necessary.. Your unborn dc needs a stable dm more than an abusive df.

If you are not married you could choose not to put him on the birth certificate and he would not automatically have parental rights. The father has to be married to the mother for this to be automatic. Basically he has NO rights.

There's no way a court would grant overnight access without your consent until baby is at least 6 months. As others have said unless you're married then he won't have PR unless he's on the birth certificate. If you truly believe he'll take the baby and demand overnight visits then don't put him on the birth certificate. He can either work with you to see the baby at times that suit you all or he can be a twat and he'll have to take you to court. Hopefully when the baby comes it'll knock some sense into him.

@Rtmhwales

Let him spend the money and waste his time taking you to court. He won't get that, probably not until baby is at least 1. Does he work? How is he planning this 50/50?

Yeah he works full time and also has another child that's 5 years old that he only sees once a week. Claims the mother isn't a good one yet hasn't ever fought for custody over him so not sure why he's threatening me

@Lockdownlovernotfromliverpool

Imo let him apply to court for PR. If he is serious about being a decent df he will if he is an abusive twat will he even bother? I have never heard of a judge giving overnights under a year old... Keep all messages op... Until he gains PR he has no rights... Block him if necessary.. Your unborn dc needs a stable dm more than an abusive df.

Thanks for your reply. I'm keeping all texts from him as they are completely irrational

@olympicsrock

If you are not married you could choose not to put him on the birth certificate and he would not automatically have parental rights. The father has to be married to the mother for this to be automatic. Basically he has NO rights.

That's what I'm planning is to not put him on there. After his behaviour the last two days I just don't trust him

@Bing765

There's no way a court would grant overnight access without your consent until baby is at least 6 months. As others have said unless you're married then he won't have PR unless he's on the birth certificate. If you truly believe he'll take the baby and demand overnight visits then don't put him on the birth certificate. He can either work with you to see the baby at times that suit you all or he can be a twat and he'll have to take you to court. Hopefully when the baby comes it'll knock some sense into him.

Really hoping he'll change his tune in the next 4 months as I've asked him for no contact till the baby is born so just hoping he calms down a bit

@Lockdownlovernotfromliverpool Not sure if I've read a different OP to you but where did you get 'abusive twat' from?

As I read it the OP has ended it purely because it's not working for her, and he (quite rightly) is upset/concerned/desperate that he's going to be cut off from the child he's expecting. Dads who aren't interested in seeing their kids are regularly (and rightly) lambasted here, are we now attacking Dads who are???

Like it or not he DOES have the same rights as the OP, and while overnights or custody agreements will obviously have to wait until baby is older he has every right to have contact with and bond with his baby.

IMO Leaving him off the birth certificate just because you don't want to be in a relationship with him and he has had the audacity to show interest in having contact with his own baby is a shady move. It's not that far removed from Women who use men to get pregnant and then disappear once they have what they wanted.

I would say wanting to remove a 4 week old baby from it's dm to be abusive... It surely isn't in a newborn baby's best interests...

Aside from everything else the courts are backlogged like you wouldn't believe at the moment!

Friend of mine is a barrister and is telling me only cases considered urgent in terms of personal safety are even getting looked at just now.

Even criminal cases have about a 3 year backlog at the moment.

So let him prattle on and waste his breath and probably his money too.

Don't let him stress you out at this time.

He's likely just lashing out because you've left him

Do all communication in writing, save it all including electronic and hard copy backups

I too have never heard of a child under 1 being expected to do overnights with the nrp, in fact I don't know any under 3! That includes my own dd who's father tried to get this when he hadn't seen or been involved in her care for months

It's not about the parents rights it's about the child's. He doesn't have rights he has responsibilities which he has to prove in his actions - and stressing out the mother of said child while pregnant with the child is the precise opposite of what he should be doing and strongly suggests to me he hasn't so much as spoken with a lawyer as they'd have told him to back off at this time

Yeah he works full time and also has another child that's 5 years old that he only sees once a week. Claims the mother isn't a good one yet hasn't ever fought for custody over him so not sure why he's threatening me

Yep, just another selfish man full of bluster who doesn't actually give a shit about the child

I'm sure you didn't end the relationship at such a time without good reason. He is all focused on him and not what's best for you and baby

Not putting him in the birth certificate would be disgraceful. You CHOSE to make a baby with him you can't just air brush from his child's life now it's no longer convenient to be in a relationship with him and you don't want to share.

He wouldn't get overnight until the child is older anyway

@Lockdownlovernotfromliverpool

Imo let him apply to court for PR. If he is serious about being a decent df he will if he is an abusive twat will he even bother? I have never heard of a judge giving overnights under a year old... Keep all messages op... Until he gains PR he has no rights... Block him if necessary.. Your unborn dc needs a stable dm more than an abusive df.

He is the father and he can get PR through court which gives the same rights at the mother.

If he threatens you speak to the police

And the court can make you put his name on the birth certificate

Give the baby your last name regardless it makes life easier on the long run

Speak to his ex see if he threatened her the same

@Treestilltwinklinghere

I would say wanting to remove a 4 week old baby from it's dm to be abusive... It surely isn't in a newborn baby's best interests...

Suggesting overnight visitation at 4 weeks is stupid, no doubt about it, but abusive? You appear to have lived quite a charmed life.

Yes this advice not to put him on birth certificate and he will have no rights is outdated and inaccurate- aside from the decency considerations.

I don’t know if this is a decent man or not, op, he may not be and you are right to be cautious if so. However, if you leave him off the birth cert he can apply for his parental rights and this would be confirmed through DNA testing. Nothing you could do to stop this, if he chooses to pursue it. Pre 2006 you could leave a man off and he had no rights whatsoever, but that has changed.

But I meant to say that I agree no court would allow overnight contact at 4 weeks in my experience, or even sit that quickly. Do you plan to breastfeed? That gives a compelling argument against time limited periods away from you. You can get a free legal consultation which may give some reassurance that helps you relax. This sounds so stressful, have you got support around?

Actually not putting him on the birth certificate does mean he has no rights but he cant take you to court demand a dna and be put on there anyway inwouod only suggest this course of action with highly abusive people and then I would say move and never claim child support sadly I know of someone who was brought back from Ireland where she fled to get away from him he got his name on the birth certificate and visitation that SHE had to supervise as he was so abusive if she hadn't returned she would have had her children removed into his custody

And you cant get free time with a solicitor they have bills like everyone else

*can take you to court

Remember your child will need to use their birth certificate throughout their life - so if it has a blank space for the father then this will always show. Personally, I think this is a bit of a kick in the teeth to the father!

What he is doing is unfair and ridiculous putting these demands in place. But at the end of the day he is the child's father and he will have rights of some sorts. I'm sure you'd expect him to pay maintenance therefore he should have rights to see the child.

I would give him space to grieve the end of the relationship and then approach the subject again. Meantime seek some legal support to know your rights as mother as well.

Sorry but you literally can't just add somebody to the birth certificate - unless you're married, the other person has to be there. If you don't feel comfortable seeing him or having him there, that's totally your decision and could be a reasonable one. As others have said there are mechanisms for him to apply for parental responsibility.

Personally I had no choice as my child's biological father did not want to appear on the birth certificate and as we are not married I was not able to just put his name on. This is perfectly legal on the father's part and my child has no right to have her biological father's name listed there. Funny, hm?

The one benefit I would mention is that it is a lot easier to travel with your child by yourselves if there is no second parent's name on the birth certificate. Some countries otherwise will ask for a signed letter from the other parent giving you permission to travel with the child and you may not be able to enter the country without it.