Sharing pregnancy news sensitively

[EmilyDoesntKnowHerStuff]

I’m currently thrilled to be expecting my second child. So far only family and my work know. We’re due to have our 20 week scan very soon, which is when I’d like to tell our friends too.

The problem is I have 2 friends who have been struggling to conceive for a few years now, both have suffered multiple miscarriages which I feel truly awful for them. It was hard enough telling them when I was expecting DD a couple of years ago when they were quite early on in their journeys to conceive.

I’m looking for any advice on how to share our news with them without being insensitive. Other friends I’m planning to just say “we have some exciting news, we’re expecting a baby brother/sister for DD” or something like that. But I’m really dreading having to tell these friends. I feel like I don’t want to tell them but obviously they’ll know soon enough!

Any tips on how to deliver the news gently would be greatly appreciated! Especially from anyone who has been on either end of this scenario. Thank you x

Following because I would benefit from the same advice... I'm also expecting my second and have friends in the same boat.

I did once see a post on here suggesting a text message so that it could be read and reacted to in private, rather than having to put an instant brave face on in person.

It depends on their personality and your relationship. I've just had a MMC at 12 weeks and my best friend recently told me she is pregnant face to face. She said it simply, "I want to tell you that I'm pregnant". She knew I would be happy for her and she also knew she could cope with any sadness that spilled out and not be annoyed/upset at my reaction.

For others I'd think its safer to text but still not like "woohoo". More like "we wanted to let you know that we are expecting a baby". I also wouldny assume itll be negative news for them so wouldnt say anything like "I know this will be hard for you".

I would send a text, just keeping it fairly matter of fact and letting them know if you plan to put it on social media so they’re prepared for an excited announcement if you’re going to do one. I would say something like:

hi, just wanted to let you know that DH and I are expecting our second child in [month you’re due]. We’ll do a Facebook announcement in a few days but wanted to let close friends know first. I hope you’re all well, lots of love

That way they don’t have to react in real time but you’re also not making a huge deal out of letting them know in case they struggle with the news.

As a person who has been on both sides here i’d say go with a txt message. As other have said it gives them time to process the information in private x

Thank you everyone that’s really helpful. Sorry to those of you who have been in that situation. And congratulations to you Poppins!

We don’t have any social media so won’t be doing any public announcements. In fact we’re very private and last time only told close friends and family. I think a text is definitely the only way to let them know, I’ll keep it very simple. I guess it’s inevitable they’ll find the news hard to hear, as I would too in that situation, but at least it gives them time to process it and reply in their own time. It’s so hard not to feel guilty!

Don't do it on a zoom call with all other members of the family on it and then interrupt the couple who are struggling with infertility are talking about how they need ivf..

From
Personal experience

I had a similar situation, whereby my friend MC'd 18 months ago and hasn't falling pregnant since. When she MC'd I actually told her about my ectopic so we both had been in similar situations and both been TTC. I was dreading telling her, but also knew she'd be happy. I sent her something along that lines about us having our rainbow baby (even though I'm not keen on that term) to soften it. She was happy and responded quickly. But thereafter she was fine and always asks about me and bump.

Text message is the best way as they can let the message sink in and decide their response and potentially grieve in private.

We also stated away from social media announcements as you don't know what's going on behind closed doors in people's life and I know it hurt me seeing others happy news when I was adding sanitary products to my shopping basket.

Backing up telling them by text as per previous pp's. They can react however they like then.

Also I told my friends in this situation first so they didn't find out through the grapevine or via group texts etc. where someone mentions it!

I spent years trying to conceive and I agree, try to ensure they find out from you, by text message. They’ll offer you their congratulations, say how lovely it is and pleased they are for you, but also feel very sad for themselves.

I’ve been on both sides of this - and yep, a text is the way to do this, I think.

Something that lets them know but also acknowledges their position too.

“I’ll be led by you, if you want to talk about it then we can or we don’t have to either.” That way your friend can be in control and you know what you can and can’t talk about.

I agree with Terracottasaur, and yes do not write "I know it will be hard for you". I was delighted to learn friends were pregnant after I had had a MMC, it actually made me feel better that they at least were lucky. So yeah a text with a very simple message, without assuming hard feelings (or great joy) on part of the recepient, is very appropriate I believe.

I sent my friends a text to tell them as they've been trying years and I haven't heard from them since. It's sad as I dont want to push it but it's been 6 weeks now so I feel I'm not going to get any messages, they live in another town so with covid we haven't seen each other much anyway last year.
I feel like I also can't ask them about the latest with their IVF either in case they think I'm.being patronising, so it is a tricky situation!
But I agree with others, definitely don't tell them over zoom/phone. A text gives them time to react (or not)

Keep it simple and don't assume they will want to hear about your morning sickness / midwife appointments / scans even if they say they are happy for you and probably will be happy for you

You sound like a good friend

I struggled to conceive for many many years, with losses and a truly heartbreaking journey. But then I was able to have my little boy.

While I was getting miscarriages after miscarriages, almost all my friends had their babies. It hurt every single time, even if I was genuinely very happy for them and even if all were very attentive towards me and how to deliver the message.

Now that I am on the other side I can see even more how incredible careful they were around me and appreciate that even more.

My suggestion would be to tell them directly and as soon as possible. but without adding any information that they don't need to hear. Keep your emotions to yourself and avoid any reference to their stories.
After a short while I was fine with them being pregnant and thrilled when they were born. It was literally the moment when I was told the news that was sad for me. Thinking back, now that I HAVE been pregnant and birthed a child, I know they kept so much from me. I don't recall anyone sharing with me how they were feeling, practical every day things, if they were buying anything for the nursery and they were brilliant in talking to me avoiding referencing often to their pregnancies, bellies etc.

Thank you all so much, such brilliant advice here.

Sorry to hear that Flyingwiththecanons that sounds very very insensitive! I hope everything works out for you x

I’ve not told people (other than close family and work yet ) but will do after my 20 week scan (hoping all goes well)

I was definitely in the ‘ hearing other people’s news devastated me’ camp while TTC- and have been very anxious about letting people know in case I hurt someone. I swore I wasn’t going to tell people at all but realised after getting stopped by an inquisitive neighbour that bump was a bit of a give away ...

When I do tell - any one I know is struggling will be told by text, any more public announcements will be given a C/W so people can scroll on by if they feel more comfortable doing so.

I was TTCing for several years and I remember feeling incredibly sad for myself when others around me would get pregnant. It's hard.

That being said, I wouldn't be too nervous about telling your friends. Most of the time people in that position are aware their reactions are personal and their sadness is their own, they'll likely feel sad a few times a day about seeing a pregnant person on TV or seeing a celebrity advertising baby bottles or something. You're not the one making them sad.

As others have said, if you send them the news in a text they can react on their own and come to terms with it without having to put on a brave face for you and by the time they do speak to you, they'll likely have digested it and be ready to be supportive and pleased for you.

@EmilyDoesntKnowHerStuff thank you for allowing me to jump on your thread! Sounds like we're very similar (wanting to tell only close friends and family, no social media)...

Thanks everyone for all the good advice, it's really helpful. I'm sorry some of you have had such heartbreaking experiences.