Continue pregnancy or have termination

[Mummoffonee]

Hi, I’m new to mumsnet. I’m 21 and have a 4yo daughter. I found out a few weeks ago that I am pregnant. This is my 3rd time being pregnant in the last 10 months. First time I had a miscarriage. Second time I had an ectopic resulting in my tube being removed and now this time. I am in a very stable and loving relationship. Me and my partner have a fair income and we have our own place.

I guess why I’m on here is because since finding out that I am pregnant, I have been so up and down with what to do. I am completely freaked out by the idea of having a baby even though we have been ‘trying’. By trying I mean we weren’t using contraception and just going with the flow if you will.

Part of me wants the baby and I’m worried if I go through with a termination I will regret it. But the other part of me is worried that I will regret not having a termination when baby is here. I was 17 when I had my daughter, I felt like I didn’t have much of a choice but to continue with the pregnancy as my mum really didn’t want me to have an abortion. I wouldn’t change her for the world now. She is my best friend. But all those same feelings are back, now that reality has set in, except this time I feel like I have a choice.

I feel like the worst person in the world. I wish I was over the moon about being pregnant but I’m the total opposite. What makes it worse is that it came from my tubeless side.

Sorry for the long post. I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation and what did you decide to do? And how did you feel about your decision? Please no horrible comments if you can as I already feel absolutely horrible. :( thanks for reading.

I am completely freaked out by the idea of having a baby even though we have been ‘trying’. By trying I mean we weren’t using contraception and just going with the flow if you will.

Just keep going with the flow and have the baby then.

I am pro-choice, but not using contraception and then having an abortion just sounds wrong to me.

If you have been "trying and going with the flow" then it sounds like deep down you would like another child, but you are just having a bit of a wobble. Possibly because you have had no control over the outcome of your previous pregnancies, and this way you would gain some control so to speak?

It sounds like you're affected by things that have happened in the past - both your first pregnancy and your recent ones. Speak to your GP and see whether you can have some counselling before you make a decion, assuming you have the time?

it sounds like you've gone through a lot of trauma (both with your earlier losses and when you were seventeen.) Could this be why? could you be reliving it?

I think some counselling might help maybe, sorry things are so hard.

@Mummoffonee I would definitely not terminate, you made a conscious decision not to use contraception, so this was "planned", if you had accidentally got pregnant I'd be more 50/50. Your possibly still affected by the previous 2 pregnancies but this is obviously something you wanted as it's the 3rd time.

You may be confused about choosing to conceiving a baby and then wondering if you should have an abortion, but so are most people who read your post.

Surely you had some idea of what you were doing 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Letshavesometea

If you have been "trying and going with the flow" then it sounds like deep down you would like another child, but you are just having a bit of a wobble. Possibly because you have had no control over the outcome of your previous pregnancies, and this way you would gain some control so to speak?

This ^

You have been through a lot. Now you are pregnant and maybe you at worried that something awful will happen again.
I think you need Counseling rather than an abortion. A sibling for your daughter would be a lovely thing.

It sounds like you have thought this through before getting pregnant and are just having a bit of a wobble now. I was the same when I got pregnant the second time, and was convinced I could never cope with two. I'm so glad to have them both now!

You sound like you are really mature and sensible for your age, I bet you would be a fantastic mum of two!

Whatever you decide it might be a good idea to see if you can get some counseling about your previous losses.

Have you got someone to talk to in real life to go over your pros and cons and figure out what you want to do.
You're still very young and it's a lot to deal with, so I really feel for you. You're entitled to have a termination if you choose, it's your choice alone and you don't need to justify it. I hope you've got some good friends who won't judge you and can listen.

I’m not quite sure why you’d keep getting pregnant if you aren’t sure you want a baby 😬, seems a bit odd to be on your 3rd pregnancy in 10 months and then having a “wobble”. Surely after the first time you’d have realised you needed to sort out your contraception if having another baby so young wasn’t what you wanted?

Really you should have been using protection by now if your so unsure

Only you can make the decision on what you want

Hi, thanks for all your responses.

I only intended on getting pregnant once and to have a baby at the end but the first 2 times didn’t work out... I also have had pressure from family members to give my daughter a sibling as the ‘gap is only getting bigger’. There are 10 years between me and my brother and my mum said it would be a shame if it were the same for my daughter.

I really would love to have the baby. To be honest after the ectopic I didn’t think I’d get pregnant after 2 months. I was letting my body have a couple of normal cycles before going back on the pill. So I guess it was a massive shock to me finding out I was pregnant. After having 2 pregnancies that weren’t viable I guess it’s more a case of what’s wrong this time. Rather than we’re pregnant and going to have a baby.

I’m just coming up to 7 weeks. Yesterday morning I was sure a termination would be the right thing to do, fast forward 12 hours and I don’t think I could go through with a termination. I am worried it will be a horrible mistake. I guess I’m just scared as that will mean having a baby in 8 months time.

I don’t really have any friends around me. Especially with the pandemic and not being able to see anyone. I’m also not close with my mum either so it’s hard to talk to her.

I don’t think I’ll go down the termination route as I did want to have a baby and I was gutted about the previous 2 losses. I guess I am just scared. I’m also scared something will go wrong later in the pregnancy and it will be even harder to deal with. :(

Could it be a bit of self preservation? Trying to not get attached after your 2 losses?

Is it family pressure to have another one? So you kinda convinced yourself it was fine to try?
Is it the fear of something going wrong? but then again termination would not come to mind i guess...
I will be harsh and say you actually don't sound mature. Going with the flow when talking about having a baby is irresponsible.
"Giving your body a couple of cycles" after pregnancy loss by having unprotected sex isn't really how it works...
You have been pregnant 3 times in 10 months so you clearly are fertile and it's no surprise.
It sounds like you are a bit too laid back about conception/contraception and now you have to deal with the consequences. Thing is, this is about a potential life changing event.

• as you know.

I am pro choice, had a termination myself so absolutely not judging this part but you really need to take time for some work on yourself, what you really want and where you stand. Try to dig a little into your own feelings and/or fears. Perhaps what you need is some counselling to help you figure this out. 21 is young ok, but you have a family and you are a grown up. What people think or say shouldn't dictate your life. YOU are in charge. Things don't just "happen". If this is a freak out and you are anxious about something being wrong again then try to talk, even on here. Been there myself, and a lot of other women. You will find support. Termination isn't an answer to this though. Again, sorry for sounding harsh, but i would say the same to a friend.

Hi, thank you for your message...
no it’s not due to family pressure. Although it doesn’t help. I think it’s the reality of having a second baby. I think I’m more freaked out because I know what is to come with the whole baby stage. I’ve read other threads where other mums feel the same about the reality of a second baby/child.

Sorry if I have sounded immature but I’m not. I have done my best with being a single/young mum. I met my partner when dd was 2. He’s always been amazing to my dd and loves her like his own. So at the beginning of 2020 we decided to try. I have been on contraception since my dd was born.

i also wrote this thread when emotions were very high all over the place.
I really don’t think I would go through with a termination as I fear it would be a mistake.
I really appreciate you taking the time to reply, thank you.

@Mummoffonee i totally understand, 2 young children is (from what i ve heard) a lot of work for sure, but if your partner is supportive and you both want a baby there is no reason it would not work out. You have done it before too so you will be more confident prepared and organised etc...
If you feel like you would regret the termination then try to look for the positive, or what made you try in the first place last year. You will not do this alone.
Sounds like it was a freak out and you are anxious about what's to come. You want to make sure you are doing your best. Doesn't sound immature at all actually. I think i misinterpreted your first posts. Sorry.
Anyway, take the time you need to think it through and do share how you feel with your partner, you are a team. Whatever you decide.