What to expect father of baby to buy?

[NC195]

18 weeks pregnant, not with father of baby but on good terms and friends. We weren’t together before so we haven’t split up as such. His parents are really excited as it’s first grandchild, as are mine. My mum has already said she wants to buy the pram. As this wasn’t planned, there’s quite a bit that I do need to get. Is it reasonable for me to say ‘we need this for the baby, do you mind getting some of it?’ If I left it up to him, he’d probably say nothing - he’s very laidback. I’m thinking things like furniture which I know won’t be needed for a while yet, but just trying to pre-empt the conversation! I’ve been making a bit of a list so was hoping I could share that with him and our families so they knew what we needed - obviously not so that they can buy it, but so that if they do want to help, they know what we need. I think it would also help him to realise how much we need to get and how I can’t afford to get it all on my own. Help?

Honestly if you were never together I'd expect him to be thinking about what furniture the baby will need for his house rather than yours. Have you discussed whether you'll be BF'ing, when overnights will be appropriate, what child support he'll provide on baby's arrival etc?

@Dinosauraddict not yet, no. I’m hoping to breastfeed so I was thinking he won’t need much furniture-wise for a good while. Haven’t spoken about numbers but he has said he’ll contribute.

I would say you should divide the list of things equally between you and your friend and then each of you can see with their own families what can be gifted?
I think you should openly ask him to have a look at your list and discuss things without feeling weird. You are both parents.
Have you talked previously about finances? Support? How is it going to be shared once baby is here?

@SunnySideUp2020 yes, that sounds like a good plan. To be honest, I’ve spent most of the pregnancy worrying about something going wrong so it’s only really now that I’m starting to let myself think about buying things and how things will work once baby is here. There’s definitely still a lot to discuss!

Hmm I suppose it depends what he will be buying to keep at his, and what you will share. Obviously he won't be having the baby over night alone for a while, but then when he does he will need furniture etc aswell. Think you need to decide what you will be sharing and buying separately first, then talk about splitting shared equipment equally.

If you weren't together I wouldn't be expecting him to buy anything. Why would he. He'll be paying maintenance.

Make a list of one off items and then ongoing. The one offs you could either split the list or price up and he gives you money. The repeat/ongoing you will need to agree maintenance payments for. A big cost and one that really does need to be discussed ASAP is childcare. If you need to use nursery before any free hours kick in (2 or 3 years old dependant on benefits and hours worked) then you're looking at a minimum £50 a day.

For example

One off:
-Cot
-Moses basket
-Pram
-breast pump/bottles/steriliser
-linens for cot/Moses basket/pram

• newborn clothing

Ongoing:
-Nappies
-next size up clothing
-formula
-baby food
-dummies
-toiletries
-classes/playgroups
-childcare
-toys

• outings

I think if your in good terms it’s reasonable for him to contribute to things that will be transferred to him when he has the baby (eg pram, changing bag, clothes) but you’ll both need your own items for your own houses.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion yeah that’s a good point, I hadn’t thought much about him needing furniture too so that makes sense!

@Viviennemary yeah, he’ll be paying maintenance once baby is here. But he’s a decent guy, he’s been to all of my appointments so far and is excited so I assume he’ll want to help with things that baby will need. He’s mentioned that he’s been saving etc. I’m not saying I’m going to demand anything from him.

@HalfShrunkMoreToGo fab, that’s really good advice - thank you. Haven’t thought far enough down the line about childcare but have heard how expensive it is so will need to have a serious think about it when it comes to it!

Tbh babies need a lot less than you think.

Take it from an oldie, stash the money for when they're older. The only things I'd really spend on are a good quality cot bed and decent mattress because that will last. And obviously a good car seat. With the pram you need to think practical, so if you don't drive don't go for something the size of a bus. Equally if you do drive make sure it fits.

Things like baby furniture I wouldn't have at all, we lined one wall with kallax and it was fab for putting things away and organisation. Everything went in there from nappies to clothes and toys in labelled boxes.

@WhatWouldYouDoWhatWouldJesusDo ah thank you! I am trying to keep it minimal and looking for second hand bargains where I can, except for obviously car seat/mattress etc.

Babies don’t need a lot of furniture and if he pays you a proper amount of maintenance then he is contributing to costs. But it does make sense to have a list that parents and family members can help with otherwise you might be random items or quite often far too many clothes especially in smaller sizes. Could you ask his side of the family to buy clothing only in one size and your side of the family in another size so you don’t end up with a hundred 0-3 items.
In terms of furniture you would only really need a cot (cots that turn in to cot beds are better value) and a smaller crib/Moses baskets or side by side crib for when the baby is small. Babies don’t cost as much as people think. But they cost more as they grow. Perhaps you could talk about having a joint bank account that you both put in to for nappies, and other costs but particularly for saving for costs as they get older like clubs and classes, new shoes, next size up clothing.

As PP said, any furniture he needs to buy should be furniture for his house not yours. Definitely conversations around child maintenance, how old baby needs to be before he can have overnights etc. I know you’ve said he’s a decent guy, but there’s a child maintenance calculator that’ll show you how much he should be paying as a minimum - don’t accept anything less than this. I’d also start considering boundaries for yourself, if he ends up in a relationship before baby is born it’s 100% ok to say you don’t want his partner involved. Baby doesn’t need anyone but you and him for a long time.

Also to consider, you may have a tough time with making sure your boundaries and needs are respected after baby is first born (I definitely did, I’m not trying to make assumptions about you!) so it might help to chat to your parents and make sure they’re able to advocate for what you want and need when you’re too sleep deprived, emotional and head foggy (because even decent guys can end up running roughshod over you). Best of luck

We are just starting to buy now, different situation as we are married but still 2 sets of parents etc. I would ask him if his parents are planning on contributing or not, then you know if you can deduct certain things from your own list or not. E.g my mum has bought furniture, his mum has offered to buy the pushchair (although I have said I want to buy a travel system so if that's above her budget then she can just contribute to what we buy). Then like others have said you need to discuss how this shared parenting will work, if baby will be with him some times it isn't exactly fair for him to contribute towards your stuff and have to buy his own. If he is only going to do 1 or 2 nights a week once you've finished breastfeeding, then he might get away with a travel cot at his until it needs a bed. Perhaps you could amalgimate his list and yours, then split it equally. The January sales are awesome BTW, we were looking at 2nd hand furniture but when we added on collection by courier as it would need a van plus our travel to go and view the set it didn't save much, and it had a slight amount of damage, so we got 50% off a silver cross 3 piece set! So chuffed as never thought we'd have that! Just sit down with him, discuss how he wants to do it, write it all out! Good luck

@Notnownotneverever that’s really helpful, thank you. I feel a bit cheeky making a list but it does make sense, I’d hate anyone to end up wasting money on something that someone else has already purchased. And I know both sets of parents are itching to spoil the baby already!

@ItsNotGreenItsBlue ah thank you. Furniture definitely makes sense - I kind of forgot about his house! will need to speak to him about all of that over the next few months. I actually don’t even know his income to be able to calculate the minimum but I’ll find out. And definitely good to start thinking now about boundaries etc.

If it helps OP I've found that buying stuff for baby has been much cheaper than I expected. Maybe the costs really stack up once baby is here?! A lot of things aren't essential, so you can make a minimalist list to start with. I bought almost everything 2nd hand, saved so much money! Also do either of you have any friends or relatives who have recently had a baby? You might be lucky to get hand-me-downs or borrow things? A lot of newborn items are only used for a few months then baby is too big for them. Asking family if they want to help out is a great idea too. We've hardly spent any money (yet).

Hi OP PP have given the best advice but just to let you know all I have in my house are changing matts and draws that used to be mine and are now the babys🤣 Me and DP went to look at baby furniture and it's all really flimsy, small and cheap. If you're thinking of buying full sized furniture to last for when baby is older then I would say go for it bit I haven't used those draws with the changing tables on top etc. Obviously you don't have to listen to me do as you wish but that's just how I found it.